I love my children so much and I feel terrible writing this here even though they are not aware of this but I have to get it out. I was experiencing hypomania recently and now I’m plunging into a deep depression. I hurt all over and my mind is racing and I just want to die I’m very very unhappy and I’m just so tired and embarrassed and feeling so sick and weak. I keep thinking about death and I know I can’t take my life. I just want to be okay. I’m not okay.
I don’t want to wake up TRIGGER - Anxiety and Depre...
I don’t want to wake up TRIGGER
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Starrlight
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I am so sorry. I know how hard it is. Your kids need you. You are so important and loved. You can do it. One day, one second, at a time. You have me for support. Have you seen a therapist lately? Also, have you talked to a doctor about medicine...if it needs to be tweaked?
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you Caringrose. I talk to my psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow.
• in reply toStarrlight
Oh good. I'm here. I know it's scary. and dark. You don't know when the feeling will end. You are not alone. Could you think of a time you felt better, then when you are feeling so so bad, remind yourself that you did get better and you can get better again. Would it help to think of the hugs and kisses your children give you? I'm here, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT. (((HUG)))
Starrlight• in reply to
I am thinking of a time just days ago that I felt good but I still feel stuck. Just hugged my kids for a long time. I feel guilty but I can’t seem to help the thoughts.
• in reply toStarrlight
I hear you feel guilty. Do you want to talk about why you're feeling guilty?
• in reply toStarrlight
Do you think you are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder? If you have changed medication some drugs take 6 weeks to work and if you feel suicidal and don't want to wake up the drug may be upsetting you. Advice is to come off the drug if changed. Do hope you feel better soon.
• in reply toStarrlight
Have just read the info on Paxil and advice is people should be monitored closely on this drugs and you should contact your doctor or psychiatrist immediately if you are experiencing these thoughts. Everyone is different so what suits one person may not suit another.
drugs.com gives alphabetical drug list -really helpful to patients.
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you so much! I contacted my doc and told him. I’ve had the thoughts before I started taking Paxil though.
• in reply toStarrlight
The thoughts are increasing so pleased you phoned. Recent info explains that many patients on antidepressants may be resistant to drugs but taking up to 500 mylg of magnesium every day may help taken with medication. I take magnesium carbonate but others take magnesium citrate. Dr Schlusslers tissue salts and Weleda or Nelson's do magnesium pillules. You can find some in food but can be depleted. Hope doc helps soon.✨🌺🌷💐
Starrlight• in reply to
You are awesome...Thanks for caring... I also take magnesium
• in reply toStarrlight
So are you. You need at least 340 mg a day. Thank you for your support in your replies and posts.
Starrlight• in reply to
(((((((((Hug))))))))
• in reply toStarrlight
Can someone explain the difference between a therapist and psychiatrist? I am just now speaking up about my depression. So my doctor scheduled me appointments for both. However, I am confused on the difference between them. TIA
Starrlight• in reply to
Hi Jessica! Psychiatrists prescribe medication. Therapists listen to you and encourage you and you may work on specific problems.
Hey! Reaching out to you because I'm deeply concerned about your current mental state. I know there's not much to do to stop the dark thoughts or feelings but continue to push through and don't do this to your kids.
I've been unfortunate enough to understand the positions of someone who was suicidal and someone who lost their loved one to suicide and both damages you permanently. Bipolar sucks, depression and anxiety suck but you have to push through for them. For yourself. Whether that is finding a professional to talk to or spending more time with your kids, trying to do activities and projects, etc. My father committed suicide when I was in high school. I understand but also resented him for doing so because he missed out on so much. We have since extended our family and we are in different places now that I wish he could've been here for.
I don't encourage these thoughts but I know there not always controllable. I'm glad you're reaching out and speaking openly about it, even if it's through this online forum. I hope you will feel the peace and wish the best for you and your family.
Thank you. I know I cannot do something that will damage my kids. They are just thoughts but still scary. I love them but still can’t seem to help how I feel.I will talk with my therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow.
My heart breaks Star. Contact your Dr. I am.praying for you. Im.sending positive vibes to you that this too shall pass quicker than ever before. Be kind to yourself❤
💛❤💛❤
Sunni
Thank you. ❤️
Starrlight, so sorry. Is there any meds that will help? Maybe make a call to your therapist. I’ve been experiencing depression lately also.
Let’s feel better tomorrow
Hi Starrlight,
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know what it's like and it sounds like you're just exhausted. I don't suffer specifically but bipolar but I have anxiety and I feel that way too, when I've had a long time of feeling anxious in a row. I feel tired and like sleep is the only time I can turn my mind off and escape. You're certainly not alone, and we're here to support you.
When you get a few minutes of relief, that's when you push through. Ride it out and take steps like seeing your therapist, psychiatrist, and talking about how you're feeling. Then when you have some energy, you push through and one day you wake up and don't feel as bad as the day before. It's slow and it sucks. But always remember that the day will come when it doesn't feel so heavy.
Here to talk if you need to.
Waiting for heaviness to lift. Thanks for your understanding and suppot
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!!!! If you find your thoughts starting to focus on how bad you feel and suicidal thoughts, try to distract. Try to watch something that might make you laugh or at least smile, like a good movie or Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers, something!!! I'm singing the blues myself, I hope tomorrow you can get some help and relief. My prayers go out to you!!!💖
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you Googoodollasfan
Hi Starrlight. My heart is heavy for you and the hard things you are going through. Being a mom is one of the most amazing and most difficult things to do! I am often worn out and overwhelmed. I have my good days where I feel like I'm doing great and I am patient, attentive and involved, and days where I just want to hide in my closet and eat all the ice cream! I sometimes think of running away for a few days just to get some rest. But there is one thing that stops me and keeps me putting one foot in front of the other everyday. My Mom took her own life when I was a kid. She was bipolar and had experienced a bad breakup with my Dad during a dark time. I believe she thought dying was the only solution but I will never know. I am a strong, social, loving, loyal, silly, scarred, overprotective, angry, lost person because of it. I often wish I could just go back and tell my mom how much she is loved and how much I wish I knew her ...no matter what she was like. I wish I could tell her that I don't need her to be perfect, happy, involved, all together, brave, content. I don't need her to be anything. I just need her to be here. Please know that I am not trying to make you feel guilty in any way! I just want you to know that no matter what state you are in or how low, bad or unworthy or embarrassed or sad you feel, your children love you and need you just to be there to be their Mom. Just to be there. If just being there is all you can do right now then is is enough. Hold on until you can get help knowing that all you need to do right at this moment is be there. ❤️ I will be praying for you.
What you shared I so appreciate and it touches my heart 💜 you are amazing and I’m happy to meet you. I’m holding on.
Hello Starrlight
Hello Starlight
Don’t beat yourself up about your dark thoughts. They’re bad enough without adding to them a feeling of guilt. It’s easier said than done I realise. So give yourself a big hug and think of the positives, your children for starters!!!!!!! I’m not sure where you are in the world but if you’re UK based, get in touch with Samaritons. If not talk talk talk to family, doctor, someone you feel safe with. Love yourself !!!! Take care. There is light at the end of the tunnel and at the end of the tunnel you will be a stronger person.
I’m in US but I’m talking with my therapist and psychiatrist today.
Thanks for saying not to beat myself up over dark thoughts. I will try not to.
Get it out!
I know the feeling of being in that state and looking at your kids and knowing the deep dark secrets you bottle up.
It sucks but we are here to listen and share that horror with you❤️🙏
Starrlight• in reply to
Thanks for being here with me Pittiedad
• in reply toStarrlight
I hope that today brings a little more clarity and a different path in the old coconut....wishing you the best!!
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you! 😊 🙏
You will be ok. Talk to someone, assuming you have a therapist. Try mindfulness, deep breathing, find one positive thing a day. I tell you all this because your post could be mine. The last 3 weeks have been very difficult (deep depression, wanting to die to get out, can’t do that mother of 4 young adults) and with lots of therapy today is a better day. Here if you need to chat.
I’m sorry u r suffering also. Thanks for understanding. It means a lot to me. I’m deep breathing right now and trying to make this new day a better one than yesterday. How’s your day going so far? Let’s keep in touch! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ Thanks it’s particularly nice that you say I will be ok because when it doesn’t feel ok o wonder but it’s helping me see past the difficulty and think of times I felt okay.
Hi Starrlight, I’m am feeling for you!! I have been where you are!! Many years ago when my children were 6 and 9 years old! I had depression and anxiety! I thought they would be better off without me! I wanted to die!
Now they are 42 and 45 and I am still here!
Back then I decided ending my life would not be a good decision for them! And I fought for my life! I went to my doctor and was put on an antidepressant and I started seeing a counselor! Then I joined an anti anxiety class that taught me some skills!!
It didn’t all work like magic, it took time and work!! And there were still ups and downs!
What I’m telling you is THERE IS HOPE!! Even when you don’t feel it or see it!!! Don’t give up!
We are all here for you! And we love you!!
(((hugs)))❤️
That’s awesome JuneVas I’m not giving up,... I get these episodes where I feel I can’t cope but I end up rising again. I know my kids need me and love them more than anything with all of my heart. Thanks for understanding and I feel I’m less alone now. My kids are 8 and 12. Today is a good day. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ But I think I need to up my Paxil possibly even though I’ve gained a lot of weight ...
Hi Starrlight- I’m so sorry. Please don’t harm yourself. I have a friend who lost his dad to suicide. She was young when this happened but until now, she still remembers exactly what had happened.
How’s your check up with your therapist? I hope you are feeling a little better now. Keep sharing, we are here for each other. I hope you will find comfort here. I pray for God’s peace and strength to surround you. Take care.
Thanks. Doing a bit better. I’m going to possibly increase my Paxil. Thank you for the prayer. You too my friend.
Hello friend,
It's good to hear from you. I'm glad that you are feeling a little bit better. Please stay strong. Remember that you are not alone, we are here for each other. You are in my prayers.
I will do my best to stay strong. It’s hard to share when I’m feeling really bad but I do reach out a lot because I’m feeling in need so much of the time. I’m so tired in life. I just want it to end. I appreciate the prayers. I am saying one for you right now.
I’m so sorry friend.
Thank you for the prayers. I will always remember you in my prayers that God will be your strength💗
Hi Starrlight
I read your post today and felt so bad. I'm sure your a great Mom to your two children. I was wondering if you've ever tried a medication for just bi-polar. I've read on-line there are many many people helped that have bi-polar through medication. Keep the faith. I've read your posts before and wanted to reach out today.
Thanks for reaching out. I am on lithium. I wonder how much it’s helping as I’ve been told I’m on a low dose, 300 mg.
Do not feel guilty....those are your feelings. Don't give up......you are loved and you matter. When we are so exhausted...it makes those feelings worse. Are you seeking therapy?!
You are not alone.....I tell myself...one more day, one more day...taking one day at a time...focus on that day...find a way to get some rest....being tired exasperates... the sad, negative feelings....keep coming back....we are here....you matter...I know when you think of leaving....even though we love our children...its hard to think we can make it...simply because we have them and love them...
You have to do it for yourself...help yourself, work on yourself first...before you can even consider your children...I know...
I was there...even after I saw the aftermath of what that does to loved ones...I just lost my brother to that...it didn't stop my feelings of wanting to leave....the hopelessness and helplessness and no one understanding....along w your hurt and pain...compounded by never sleeping...feeling exhausted....you can feel better....lots of hard work....keep coming back...you are worth it!!!🤗🤗
It’s midnight and I’m up wondering if I will sleep.
I am seeing a therapist and she’s very helpful.
Your brother recently took his life? Mine did too but long ago.
Thanks for taking the time to write. Hope you are happy these days.
Sometimes a sleeping aid or supplement can help...I cant imagine trying to feel better when you're so tired...try and get rest...its hard to shut your brain off...all the what ifs and worries....but the rest helps.
I'm so happy to hear you are seeing a therapist and she is helping....that's great!!
Yes, well he is my brother in law...but family is family...and he was w our family for 26 years...it was just a year ago in june...still feels like it just happened....😞😞
You are very welcome....that's what we do here....
I am certainly getting there....finding myself....better days ...
Thank you...you can and will get there.
Take care and keep coming back!
🌞🌞
Have you tried listening to worship songs, I do that and it helps me to sleep well.
I pray that you will have a good night sleep, God bless you!
Hi Starrlight,
I'm reading your post one day later. You have many supporters here. Did you talk to your doctors today?
Starrlight• in reply to
I did. I am increasing my dose of Paxil.
That's great. Keep us informed, Starrlight. We care about you here!
Starrlight• in reply to
Thanks 🙏 😊
Not following through with a suicide is a good sign! It means that a person could truly want to live. There's a hole inside them that is filled my doubt and sorrow! Having children is a blessing and to know that such strong love for them, could be what gets that person through the day! Soooo much love for you! ❤🧡💛💚💛🧡❤
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Hi Starrlight. Just reading this thread now. I'm glad you got help and increased your Paxil. Just a head's up that it might take some time before you feel the effects. Thinking of you!😊
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you!!! ❤️
I know its been a few days, but I still wanted to reply and let you know I hope you are feeling better now.
So kind of you! I’m okay. Part of me isn’t okay but the strong part is holding the weak part up.
Starrlight, what a clever way of putting that 
xx
Thank you soooo 😊
How are you? You’ve been in my thoughts. I admire you for sharing your thoughts. That shows inner hope and strength
Thank you! I’m hanging on. How arevyou?
Hi starlight so sorry to hear this I will pray for you my friend hope you are feeling better I am here for you
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