Hurt depressed terrified can't stand it anymore

[Nothing_but_books]

Nothing helps. The prescription for depression and anxiety does nothing. Putting myself in a mental hospital did nothing. Putting myself in a day-care mental hospital did nothing. I HURT. I am terrified. I wake at 4 a.m. terrified. I am terrified all day and night. I can't face any part of my horrible life. I beg. I cry. I post on HU. I want to die. I want to die. Why can't there be a button and it's over? All the best advice of the nurses, policemen, social workers... I can't fit -- round peg square hole. A different system would know that YOU know when nothing works. Why does society believe people must be forced to live unbearable lives? I need to die. I hate my life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have better. I hurt so much.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you hurt. What is it that we can help you with or say to make it a better (or just more bearable)?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

I don't know.

[Hidden]

You will come out of this stronger. Don't give up, and don't give into the pain. I was exactly where you are for three years. I am proof, it doesn't last forever. I know that's probably not very encouraging, but to me it's truth. I've lived it.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

It is more than I have alone. Thank you.

[Hidden]

I also want to say, I feel as though you were probably bawling your eyes out writing this. And I know it hurts because there is unfortunately no one on this earth who can take that pain away. You have to find your inner strength and believe that it HAS to get better. Literally take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, and then day by day. Sometimes it's literally easier to let yourself just "be" moment to moment. Day to day can be overwhelming. I used to just sit and cry in the shower until the water ran cold. Sometimes it helped sometimes it didn't. I would go crazy on the punching bag when I got angry because I couldn't understand the reason for the pain. I would space out for what seemed like hours, but during that time I felt peace. I had to cry. And cry. And cry some more. In hopes that my tears were not in vain. And I prayed. This is my personal preference. Some people might not like that I even said that. Oh well. I had to accept the broken hot mess I became. And that I walked around looking like death. It was horrible. There are positives to this. You will see once you're through the darkness, who truly loves you, because they stayed, and hurt with you. You will see how strong you truly are, and you will be able to grow into the person you were meant to be. You still have purpose, or you wouldn't be here. I strongly believe that.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

" I walked around looking like death..." That is where I live. I see your avatar, but I don't understand it. Is it laughing at the horror?

The horror steals all my hope. Am I a parasite, living on others hopes? I can't create my own. Your words tell me you know more than the degreed useless practioners will ever have a clue about.

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

No my avatar is funny to me because it's describing what it's like to feel dead on the inside, but still run around trying to bring others hope and happiness. Fear is not of God. My mom told me that, and it always gave me peace. You are not a parasite. You're a hurt human who is trying to figure things out. I am not going to sit here and say things go back to how they were before this began for you because that would be a lie. The best way I can describe what it feels like to come out on the other side of this is, everyday is a struggle. And it's still not "easy" but it does get easier once you come to terms with the fact that the mental health industry for the most part, sucks. They can and have done more damage, been there too. And that you are allowed to feel what you're feeling. Just don't take up residence there. It's easy to stay where you feel familiar. It was much easier for me to stay depressed than to find reasons to live I guess is what I'm getting at. I've attempted suicide 4 times since the age of 16. The most recent two were within the last 4 years. I regret it. It's started affecting my health, and the damage I did to my heart the last time. Let me put it this way. I took almost 200 sleeping pills. My heart released whatever it is, when you have a heart attack. It was at a critical level. I had hallucinations, I lost a chunk of time where I don't know what happened. And now I am going to the doctor to see what's going on with my heart. All because I felt exactly how you're feeling in this moment. Life doesn't become perfect, but it does become more bearable and eventually the pain lessens. It doesn't ever truly disappear. But you will one day be able to smile again, and actually feel a little bit of happiness behind it.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

I wanted to find a way to save every word. (I couldn't.) Especially:

" it does get easier once you come to terms with the fact that the mental health industry for the most part, sucks"

It isn't me? Something wrong with me that I can't do it right? So many stories of evil therapists injuring me. Incompetent doctors hurting and mistreating and sexually abusing me. I never hear that it isn't only me.

Thank you.

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

You're welcome, I had a horrifying experience while hospitalized. So I can completely relate to that

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

I am so sorry. Me too. I actually sat in the psychiatrist's office (while I was hospitalized) and watched my therapist and the psychiatrist I was assigned -- she was a witch with a capital B -- go at each other. Watched and listened.

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Hello👋

They are degreed useless practitioners. Welcome to the horror show pull up a seat....I’ll share my gummy bears with you and itsash

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

What is it? " itsash" I googled it and it looks like Indian videos...

No thanks on the gummy bears. Yuck. Raisinets?

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

ItsAsh is the person who commented before.

Lots of pain sharing on here let it out

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

Oh, no caps confused me. Thanks.

[Agora1]

Dear Nothing but pain, we hear you. "Nothing helps" because as long as you feel trapped

in an unbearable situation, the pain continues. There is no magic pill but there is a way to

escape from your pain. It's through one of the most powerful organs in our body...The Mind.

No one is ever out of reach for help. But we have to be willing and ready to change and adapt to the situation. "When life gives us lemons, we make lemonade" Kind of a frivolous

saying to a serious issue but it makes sense. The feeling of being trapped and having no where to run brings on anxiety and depression 10 fold. We need an escape and many

times it is not possible to do physically.

And so we turn to our mind, escape is possible for even moments at a time when life is at it's

worst. Accepting that this too shall pass when the time is right. I've lived your pain, different situation, but same intense pain. I never gave up. I wasn't going to allow someone

or something to take away the gift of my life.

After 30 years in being on a small (0.25 mg) of Xanax once a day, it became evident that this

was leading no where to a recovery. Tons of therapy, in patient hospitalization was a start

but the key to change had to come from within me. Emotional abuse was no longer going to

hurt me. Once I was able to escape in my mind, my physical pain came down. It may have not been the "perfect life" but it was a life that I made out of the lemons I was handed.

Never give up hope. Sometimes we need to wait and see how the scenario plays out.

I'm glad you are here with us. Please don't give up on the wisdom of the essential workers

trying to help you. Work with them and they will help you "fit in".. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I also used this technique to get me through. My brain took me places that, at the moment, were so much better, than the reality I was living.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

I know it can Ash, that is once we get over the anger xx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

Example please?

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Like just close your eyes and imagine being somewhere with someone or even by yourself, and let your imagination run wild for a little bit. For me I know this probably sounds dumb, but I would imagine being up in the sky, in like a maze, and the only foundation I had to walk or run on was a brick pathway. It worked. It got me through alot of hard situations that I mentally in that moment I couldn't handle. Or you can always pretend to be on some talkshow or something sharing your story with the world, the beauty in that situation is one you won't have the harsh criticizing depending on what's going on in your life and two no one can judge you UNLESS YOU allow it. In your mind you are limitless, powerful, and can make it anything you want it to be.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

okay.

[HisDaughter]

I am very sorry about all your pain! it's a very good thing that you are writing here. I have suffered from depression for more than 30 years and there have been times when I thought that life was an earthly version of hell. There have been years when I was hurting so much every waking hour. I am very sorry about your pain! Please don't give up! Seek help all your life. There are doctors and therapists who help a lot. I have tried almost all the medications that are available and almost all of them have had no effect on me. But different combinations of different medications can help. I prayed for you. Don't give up! Your life is very valuable and you are an important human being. We are not the only ones who suffer. There are other people who have painful realities in their lives too. You are a strong person. I wish you healing, peace, contentment and happiness.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to HisDaughter]

I don't have words to say, but I thank you for being here.

[HisDaughter]

I hope that you feel much better very soon. May God help us all!

[Thistooshall]

Have you tried ECT. Please look into it. It will reset your brain.

[Dibbles56 in reply to Thistooshall]

iv had ECT and it’s not good it takes away memories

[Thistooshall in reply to Dibbles56]

Did it at least help you for a few months? I’ve had it and it helped me. Because if it helps you temporarily during that time you can get a breather and create new habits.

[Dibbles56 in reply to Thistooshall]

Hi thistooshall,I must admit it was about 27 years ago now and no it didn’t work I lost a lot of childhood memories but not the horrors I inflicted in my childhood. I also forgot and still forget to this day holidays iv been on, my children when they were born and when they were little and lots of other parts of my life, i find it quite sad the memories iv lost. A friend of mine had ECT around the same time as me and ended up being epileptic. ECT is bad news but everyone is entitled to there own opinions. I guess it must work like antidepressants different ones work for some people but not others

[Thistooshall in reply to Dibbles56]

Yes. I guess it’s different for everyone. Keep the faith. Things will get better.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you hurt, idk if there's anything anyone can say to make N it better, but if you want someone to vent to, message me I'm here. I feel like you sometimes I just want to die. But I found a reason to keep fighting, my pets. Everytime I want to die, I think about how they won't understand why I'm gone, I can't bear the thought that they'll be split up or worse sit in a kennel until they're murdered to make room for new unloved pets. So maybe if you focus on the one thing that makes you happy, it might ease some of the pain. Love and irie vibrations to you.