Is it ok to not want to be ok ? - Anxiety and Depre...

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Is it ok to not want to be ok ?

bitterdregs profile image
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Hi, I’m new.

13 years ago, I was so far down the rabbit hole of PTSD and severe chronic anxiety that I could barely function. I lived in my basement because I was so afraid of people. The phone. So many things. My panic attacks were severe. As in shaking like I had palsy curling up on the floor and wetting myself severe.

I knew I had to function and return to the world, it took 13 years to accomplish that through cognitive therapy I performed on myself for lack of access to a psychiatrist.

Now, the anxiety is back. It’s not covid that caused it. Friends and family as well as excessive paperwork and hoop jumping due to poverty caused it. Last night was the last straw for me. I turned off my phone. Left fb and messenger. I have not gotten my mail in weeks.

The difference between now and last time is that last time...I wanted to get better. This time I don’t. I don’t have much longer to live anyway and I’d rather be in a safe and free environment, alone where paper and hoops and people can’t hurt me. I can’t keep going through these panic attacks. I only get 30 Valium every 5 months. I’m having more attacks than that allows. Plus with a heart condition and MS, the attacks are seriously reducing my life expectancy. I’m happier as a hermit. I can no longer drive. A friend drops food and medication on my porch and takes out my garbage. I’m not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I’m content when I have no contact with people. People are wild cards. They effect my life.

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bitterdregs
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Kat_21 profile image
Kat_21

I have an autoimmune disease. It's aHUS. It can flare up at any time, due to stress, or getting sick, and I could be back in the hospital again on life support and barely making it. I can't drive either, I'm home all the time. I know how you feel. What's the point anyways if I'm just going to die soon? The one thing that keeps me going, is my family. My husband and son. Even if you don't have that, you may have a dog, or a cat, or a friend who you would destroy if you gave up. I know it's tough but I believe that it's worth it to keep going forward. Even if it isn't okay now, it's like a bow with an arrow. You have to get pulled back so you can shoot forward. I'm always here if you want to talk. Please stay strong.

JCPrague profile image
JCPrague

It's great if you can feel content with no contact with people. Panic attacks are terrible. I get them also. They are really the worst.

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