It seems so random... but is it, really?

[ChubbaGiz]

I don't understand how depression can hit with no warning. Or maybe I still just don't know the warning signs.

I have been dealing with depression basically my entire life. It took many years for me to realize I was depressed and I got a handle on it, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me. Friday and Saturday I was happy, laughing with family and friends. Then, bam, Sunday I woke up with no desires to do anything. I laid in bed or on the couch and did nothing but cry. I have come to work the past couple of days and I'm not able to focus. I find myself drifting off, staring into space.

In the past few years I have tried to figure out patterns to my depression. Some of them "make sense". You know, the anniversaries of the passing of loved ones, spending major holidays alone because everyone else has someone else more important than me. And although there is a holiday coming up here, it's not one of my major ones that I would hate to spend alone so I know that's not it.

I think I know. It does have to do with the passing of a loved one. Not a family member, not a friend... but the passing of a part of me. My birthday is coming up soon and the last couple of years were not completely good ones and they have changed me.

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 3 years. Two years ago, he did what he could for me on my birthday; made me dinner, got me a cake, spent the day with me... and then he broke up with me because he didn't think he was good enough for me. We stayed in regular contact and last year, 2 weeks before my birthday, he said I was the one and we got back together. But then the day before my birthday, he admitted to me that he had slept with someone else and that he got an STD. We worked through that... well, that's a lie... I forgave him enough to stay but I'm still struggling because I never really got to work through it. So now that my birthday is so close again, I keep wondering what shoe will drop this time.

I talked to my friend and she said it was like I have birthday PTSD, but she also just wants to tell me to not let it bother me. She doesn't understand that it's not a choice I can make... it just happens. Depression still hits out of the blue sometimes, but I guess it doesn't always have to be so random. I'm new to this online support, and I guess I'm hoping that by getting this out to others who might understand, that I can start to heal better.

[blackcat64013]

The best metaphor I that describes this thing depression is that it is like a black dog that runs away from home but somehow finds its way home into your brain. The question is what to about this? I spent a lot of time putting together my wellness recovery action plan or WRAP for short. This means I know what happens when I am well, recovering from an episode or what action to take when in the middle of a episode. Dr Google can provide lots of info about to craft a plan for you. It's time well spent.

[ChubbaGiz in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you! I will definitely look into WRAP! It would be nice to have a plan and an understanding.

[kc702 in reply to blackcat64013]

Just got it last week myself. I have not had it much in life, but I do right now for some reason. Cannot explain it. I will look up the wrap to, thank you!