What to do and not get yelled at

[EmJay210]

My son has depression. I was told by his old therapist, major depression. He is only 22, and it’s debilitating enough that he is not finishing college. We just want him happy and to be able to open up to us. When we noticed he gets angry at something, we locks himself in his room. I try to ask him what’s wrong and he will bite my head off. I am st my wits end. We spend to spend time with him, having a meal out every weekend, we run a business that keeps us busy nearly 60 hours per week. Rver since his suicide attempt a couple of years back, it’s like ere walking on egg shells. I think we need to talk to his therapist and see what we can do to help him or support him. He doesn’t open up to us enough for us to think of how to help or support him. Any ideas from those who have major depression or those who have loved ones with major depression? Please help!

[BeachBumBabe]

Remember you are not a therapist yourself, so don't try to fix him if he won't let you. I'm just concerned your getting the brunt of all this and hurting yourself and marriage in the process. Before you help someone else, make sure your ok and you can do it, because it takes a toll on someone who's helping another with depression.

Why can't he open up and speak? How long has he been depressed? Is he or was he ever close to you guys? If he isn't or never was close to you guys, don't expect him to tell you anything. Is he fearing of being judged, not heard or ridiculed? Think of how you dealt with personal touchy subjects with him before, how has he handled, responded and reacted? How have you responded and reacted? Does he want you but not your husband to know or vice versa? Is he ashamed? Reassure him.

Don't be surprised if it is none of this. Don't be surprised if you don't find out. It could be something that's totally unrelated to you, most likely. You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped. How long have you invested in him opening up to you? Stop chasing him. He's an adult now and if he wants to talk to you he knows where to find you. Just leave your arms opens, and every once in awhile, once a week, briefly tell him your there when ever he wants. Don't nag or pressure him. That could make it worse just back off, he could feel smothered. Are you constantly involved in his life, to point we're something did happen but he just shut you out just to get some space? Ask him when he calms down.

I've noticed you said he yells and you feel like walking on eggshells, just because he has depression doesn't mean he could treat you and talk to you any kind away. In Turn you will become depressed then it's no good for no one. This is your home, you have the right to feel safe, remember he's grown. Does he have his own money saved up?What's stopping him from getting his own therapist? If you are willing to pay for it, at least he could go out and search for one and book his own appointments,

[EmJay210 in reply to BeachBumBabe]

Thank you BeachBumBabe! Reading your post gave me a little insight. We were all close when my son and his brother were young. I thin things changed sometime after my mother, who li ved with us, died. He was 16 at the time ad I think he expected she would be able to come home as she did in the past. She had suffered a severe heart attack. He was greatly affected by her death. He does have his own money but not a regular job. It’s very costly we’re we live. We found him a therapist he likes a couple of years ago but since he was over 18, we don’t hear of how he is progressing. We are thinking of just asking his theory if he is doing well and or what we can do to help or support him. I worry about him and perhaps he feels I smother him. I am trying to have one on one time with him, dinner out just the two of us or walking our dog. I was hoping he would open up and feel closer to me like when he was little. It’s hard not knowing when to ask or when to back off. He explodes and then I try to ask him if he’s ok or wants to talk. That’s when he bites my head off. He’s the same with his father and older brother. Tank you for your insight, it helps and I feel a little relieved. Thanks for replying back, needed someone to talk to.

[BeachBumBabe in reply to EmJay210]

I'm here for ya. Maybe back off for a week, then go out twice or three time without asking him, so he'll feel at ease and automatically think "oh no get comes the questions"- be unpredictable. Then take him out on something he likes, know what he likes it's important todo what he wants to ease his problem, if not ask, if no reply say we're do xyz on this day. Then on that day make him laugh, to ease his anxiety, then after a few conversations, you gotta be smooth don't jump into kinda make him open up, say son I just want to let you know I'm here for you and I'm not going to judge you, I just want to know what's been going on through your mind lately? Or relate by saying, son I know this age is rough I've been there before... Or smoothly save I miss grandma dearly, never a day I don't think about her, then think of a fond memory of her and say it or a good memory he had with her and say it, to get him thinking. As you say the memory look at his face and body language, is he sad or uncomfortable, this could be the issue. Then ask, son what's your memory you live of grandma? Remember watch and listen try to cue in on his issues, then ask hey son is this what's been bothering you? Or always slip a letter under his door and say he could write you back. Thanks I try to see what is going on. Don't worry if it doesn't work, he knows your there so he can't say you weren't. In the meantime just focus on you, don't let him bring you down or speak abusively to you. Gas get everything gad communication issues? How about social issues? Is he socially awkward or inept?

[EmJay210 in reply to BeachBumBabe]

Thank you for the suggestions! Will try it out. We don’t always ask him what’s going on every time we get out. Hoping things will come together this year for him. I don’t think he’s socially inept. He has friends but the closest ones are away for college.

[anajay]

I definitely have treated my own parents in this way, as I have depression myself. I think for me, I just felt ashamed of myself and I didn’t want them to see me so hurt. And when they asked me what made me so sad and why I felt the need to shut myself away from them, I honestly had no explanation. It was hard because I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did. I just knew I sick and broken. There was no true reason or event or whatever it could’ve been to make me feel the way I did. And because I could never explain it, never had a reason, it was extremely confusing and exhausting when my parents continued to ask. Going out into the world and interacting with others gave my nothing. There was no pleasure or joy. Spending time with the people I love felt more like a chore, and the days became tedious. I didn’t want to go out anymore because of this, and locking myself in my room felt like my only option. I’m not sure if this gives you any sort of insight, and I apologize if it didn’t. But I thought maybe it would help to understand from another perspective. Isolation is a symptom of depression, and it is hard. I am sure I hurt my parents a few times in the past because of this. But with patience and many months of treatment, I began to reconnect with my friends and family. Just continue to support him and his recovery, and know this won’t last forever. I hope this brought you something. Best of luck

[EmJay210 in reply to anajay]

Thank you Anajay. It does help to see what he maybe thinking or feeling. Thank you for opening up some windows for me. Hope you are doing well and that you have the support you need.