Losing hope

[gilded_masquerade]

This past week has been pretty hard on me mentally. I haven’t been in the mood to really talk to anyone besides my parents and boyfriend, one of my best friends and I got into an argument with our other best friend a week or two ago because she’s been a negative and comparative about virtually everything and I’m feeling like there’s no way I can fix everything I’ve fucked up since 2013 (sorry for the language).

I’ll be 25 in September and I’ve dropped out of college 3 times, first time because my ex fucked up our living situation (financially) and we had to move back in with his mom. The second time the college screwed me when it came to get clearance for placement (literally, the last day to get it done was when they told us to get it done and there was a wait list) and the third time I only went because I thought it would come easy to me when it was really a tough thing to do mentally that would also likely end in burn-out.

I have no tuition money left and I don’t want to take out a student loan because I already suck with money (clearly) and would take forever it pay it back but even if I did go back, I have no idea what the hell I’d take. College REALLY stressed me out, to the point where my panic attacks were so bad that I’d sometimes have to leave campus. And I have no idea what to do for work that doesn’t require a college diploma, I’ve looked it up but a lot of the jobs sounds physically demanding (which I have to be careful of because my wrists are really screwed up, thanks carpal tunnel) or they sound like things I don’t think I’d ever have interest in let alone understand.

Yeah I know; there’s no time limit or I’m sounding like a big baby. I overthink way more than I should, with everything that’s going on I’ve been at home stewing in my redundant thinking/self-sabotaging patterns and failing with self-care or trying to break out of them.

If you knew me I’m constantly stuck in the past or worrying about my future. I struggle with living in the present although I’m slowly making some progress.

But this past week I’ve just been thinking that I’d be better off “offing” myself (NO I’m not actually gonna do it, it’s just a thought, I promise!) because my life is in shambles and I’m halfway to 30 with nothing to show for it. Like there’s no coming back from all this irreparable damage. Oh, if you haven’t noticed; I have SUPER HIGH expectations of myself.

I feel like I’ve failed as a human being.

Sorry for this post, just wanted to talk to the void and get this (pardon my language again) shit out of my head.

[Jfb007]

We all crew up financially in some point; I’m like you almost in my 30’s and don’t have a degree yet... working on it right know do. Sometimes people need more time to get on track. I changed major more than 3 times... I have student loans, but you don’t pay it until you graduate if you keep studying. I have panic attacks disorder as well... but with college you just have to be organized. Din’t give up... achievements are not the same for everyone and theres not really a specific time to achieve it; take your time and you will succeed.

[blackcat64013]

Hi, if you want to try again, do so with the help of student assistance office. The staff there are trained to help making study more manageable and everything said there is confidential. Just asking for help can be the hardest thing. If you are doing the best you can, that's all anyone should ask. I believe in you 👌

[ChubbaGiz]

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I think everyone screws up at some point in their lives; I was not always the best at keeping financially on track. As for your degree, have you considered online courses? Maybe they wouldn't be so stressful because many of them are based on your schedule, as long as you get the work done. Don't give up and don't put so much pressure on yourself. I didn't go back to get my degree until I was 40 years old. There is no shame in taking time to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Because it is exactly that... YOUR life.

[anaoli1]

I am really sorry to hear this. First of all, please don't lose hope. Everything will be fine as well. One day or other we all have gone through this, the difference is the way of handling the situation at that odd time. My cousin was in the same situation and in the financial crisis he had to take loans from maybeloan.com/payday-loans/fl to run his house. But he worked hard and now everything is fine with him.