My heart hurts

[Teatime08]

My heart is heavy. There is a lot of pain and sadness I'm hiding. Work is still a challenge so is homework. But the worst is that I don't have my husband in my corner. I'm still sure he is cheating or at least plans to leave. He offers no support. No connection. No love. No intimacy. I am alone. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want to be lonely. And I don't want to fight this battle. Unfortunately I have no one to be self with. I have to pretend everything is fine. I am not fine. I feel utterly shattered. I find myself wanting to hurt myself again. Because it distracts from the emotional pain. I find myself praying for sort of relief. It's so hard to have all these demons in my mind. Everything is so heavy. I can't hold on to the weight much longer, I am going to fall.

[Gingerjuju]

I am so sorry that you are hurting this way, stay strong and this will pass as things always do. You are not alone, there are so many of us that are hurting and just need to know someone out there understands and cares. I care ((hugs))

[Hidden]

Im sorry you're going through such a hard time,is there any family members you can talk to someone trustworthy and understanding that can be with you

[Teatime08 in reply to Hidden]

I have no one. Both parents are dead and I have no other family. I dont have friends

[SunIsShining]

I don’t have any advice for you but I do offer a kinship. I have no one too, not even someone I once felt a connection with. It’s always been me by myself. There have been people in my life and they play their parts but no love or connection despite my trying to understand

[Teatime08 in reply to SunIsShining]

Ah, Shakespeare..

I hold the world but as the world,

A stage where every man must play a part,

And mine a sad one.

I have lived by this verse since I was a child. And throught my lifespan, though not long, my roles have all been sad. The only good role I have yet to play is "mom" I am alive because of my daughter. But as much as I wish it could mend the broken bits of me, it hasn't.

[SunIsShining in reply to Teatime08]

No one else can fill the holes that leave you feeling empty, but having a reason to strive for mental health is a definite plus

[new-baby]

Your writing, which is very eloquent, echoes a lot of what I'm feeling too. I find communication is a minefield. You describe a similar scenario to mine with the lack of love, intimacy. Feel vaguely sick most of the time and get headaches every few weeks, one was coming this morning but I managed to stave it off by lying down. Have you seen those colouring books where you colour in pages of designs? I recommend Johanna Basford's Secret Garden with a pack of felt tip pens, it keeps your mind off things, Take care