Just when I think I can fix me (or) # more stressers (or) Add one pandemic and stir...My current mental health status began about 3 yearsago

[Makingitthru]

At 60ish I began to experience groin pain during work, or physical activity on my feet. Increasing to the point of intolerable when I was diagnosed with arthritis of the hips, already at end stage. It meant the end of my job, and I progressed from cane, to walker, to wheelchair in about a year. Trying to figure out how to be relevant was my primary goal. The world seemed to still be there, but my "self" was gone. I raised up 5 kids, many pets, had a busy pet grooming business, and I was very active in my church. I survived an abusive childhood of chaos with PTSD, including panic disorder. (Another whole story ending with finding my way to mental health)

But, back to the present... My new reality was quiet, and I am disabled and unable to find a reason to be alive. I was suddenly my own opposite... Oh... I also have COPD which becomes an issue with the arrival of COVID19. I also was hit with some autoimmune disorder flare that put me in bed for months, inflammation in my joints and covered with psoriasis from head to toe. My shoulders froze. My ability to even care for myself nearly gone. But, the flare passed and with physical therapy my body began to move again. But it left me with arthritis in the shoulders and knees , 2nd to 3rd stage. Still trying to find a spot for me in weird world three... Spent a week in hospital with flu. Got an electric wheelchair. Swimming laps 3 times a week with my youngest daughter. Then a couple months prepandemic we had to make the decision to end the misery of our beloved cat, Schmitty, who was 16 and seizing many times a day and blind. Months we spent trying everything until the only answer was to make that impossible, deviating choice for him.

My quiet world became miserable when the virus came to America. I had to isolate, not just from the world, but from my family. I have not hugged any of my children since March 13, when I cancelled my birthday party on the 15th. Break time for sure...