nighttime depression

[puppy242]

can't sleep and feel down. I had a breakdown the first week of the quarantine stuff like 2 months ago.

I stay home so much now. i feel stifled. Don't even go on my walks anymore. Stay in my room to avoid interactions with my dad because I get anxious or angry inside at how he communicates with me. then I reach a boiling point and argument might start. Then I feel guilty for isolating from my dad because we have a good time when do get along.

i also do this thing where I don't let myself acknowledge feelings of sadness and frustration as valid just because they are not "life or death" issues.

Well, the feelings are impacting me. I'm sliding backward and I'm so frustrated with myself. Getting out was beneficial for me. I realize things are not safe and that's why everyone's being careful & distant. I imagine it is much harder for those who have children and actual jobs and REAL lives.

I'm just so frustrated my coping methods, distractions, things I try... it's just not working out for me to help reduce ruminating. I keep crying at least once a day. I just feel stuck. I just don't know how to go about things sometimes. I'm afraid and anxious and tired and up &down. It's going against my own mind to be nice to myself and to relax.

I just don't wan't tell anyone besides my therapist because who wants to hear about how you live at home as an adult & your dynamic with family is just like... odd sometimes?

That's why I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Nobody is physically doing something to me at home-- it's just with words. I can't sit there and tell the whole story of me... I feel very weak trying to explain myself and how i kind of get pushed into things or just plain anxious during interactions with my family. Despite trying to stay strong and watch self help videos, journal, take notes I'm still breaking down. I think it's just the result of things building up over time.

They're not terrible parents but I feel they've leaned on me more than I was ready for at times. But I guess that's what I get for being difficult with bipolar 2 ? I try to rationalize it because everyone messes up but some things that hurt me-- I am unsure if it makes a difference to my mom and dad? I will keep trying to get better. I don't like to cry everyday. There's no point to crying about the same thing over & over especially if it's mostly your fault. They took good care of me and I didn't have to worry as a child, so I am really grateful. And they're still helping now so it's not like they're unwilling. I just feel frustrated. can't always look at negatives.

[Jiwa]

Hi. Did you know that in Spain, Italy and Poland a lot of people live with their parents half of their lives? It's not easy but they simply cannot afford to move out or they don't want to. I spent 22 years in a one bedroom flat with my parents and my brother. That was the reality. Add depression and alcohol dependence and you have an unbearable cocktail.

I wonder what REAL jobs are... I don't think it matters as long as you have money to pay for your bills and put food on the table. And obviously as long as it's legal and ethical. Some people got kicked so much in their childhood that didn't manage to go to college or university and get qualified. The others don't know about it and judge them sometimes. My friends from the A level college are doctors, dentists and teachers. I worked 5 years in a warehouse. It didn't help my self confidence. I feel like a failure sometimes but because I'm on medication now I'm able to say f... It all to myself. Does it matter ? I'm here today I might die this evening so who cares ? Rumination is so bad. It's torture, but again ..it's controlled by my medication. (So which one is real me ? Does the medication change my personality or just cures the illness?)

These are just a few thoughts. I don't know your situation but I think you definitely should start going for walks again. Slowly. First time maybe a 10mins walk. It will help you. Promise

Take care

J.