can't sleep and feel down. I had a breakdown the first week of the quarantine stuff like 2 months ago.
I stay home so much now. i feel stifled. Don't even go on my walks anymore. Stay in my room to avoid interactions with my dad because I get anxious or angry inside at how he communicates with me. then I reach a boiling point and argument might start. Then I feel guilty for isolating from my dad because we have a good time when do get along.
i also do this thing where I don't let myself acknowledge feelings of sadness and frustration as valid just because they are not "life or death" issues.
Well, the feelings are impacting me. I'm sliding backward and I'm so frustrated with myself. Getting out was beneficial for me. I realize things are not safe and that's why everyone's being careful & distant. I imagine it is much harder for those who have children and actual jobs and REAL lives.
I'm just so frustrated my coping methods, distractions, things I try... it's just not working out for me to help reduce ruminating. I keep crying at least once a day. I just feel stuck. I just don't know how to go about things sometimes. I'm afraid and anxious and tired and up &down. It's going against my own mind to be nice to myself and to relax.
I just don't wan't tell anyone besides my therapist because who wants to hear about how you live at home as an adult & your dynamic with family is just like... odd sometimes?
That's why I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Nobody is physically doing something to me at home-- it's just with words. I can't sit there and tell the whole story of me... I feel very weak trying to explain myself and how i kind of get pushed into things or just plain anxious during interactions with my family. Despite trying to stay strong and watch self help videos, journal, take notes I'm still breaking down. I think it's just the result of things building up over time.
They're not terrible parents but I feel they've leaned on me more than I was ready for at times. But I guess that's what I get for being difficult with bipolar 2 ? I try to rationalize it because everyone messes up but some things that hurt me-- I am unsure if it makes a difference to my mom and dad? I will keep trying to get better. I don't like to cry everyday. There's no point to crying about the same thing over & over especially if it's mostly your fault. They took good care of me and I didn't have to worry as a child, so I am really grateful. And they're still helping now so it's not like they're unwilling. I just feel frustrated. can't always look at negatives.