How do I move forward with finding who I am?

[MegaMouse87]

After two abusive relationships back to back i find myself exhibiting toxic behaviors and maladaptive coping mechanisms to protect myself at all costs. I have gone so far as to create a fake facebook account to show my boyfriend I had ended a friendship with someone, because he would not stop his angry tirades, he beat me physically upon finding out I was still friends with this person. And I am so ashamed and guilty for doing that in the first place. I feel unhinged, and depressed, I feel broken down and worthless. Like Im unable to do anything right, and I find myself in these thought loops about how I can fix everything, how can I be the man he fell in love with and bring him home, yet why would I want to do that. This is just life epiphanies because I feel so broken down and tired of being a toxic influence to people in my life when Im literally going so far as to separate friendships and relationships if there is drama or hate. I Find I desperately seek approval from my partners, and I have so little boundaries that I gladly accept the smallest crumbs of affection consistently, pretending I am doing everything right, and on the inside I know when I am wrong, its like I cant stop sometimes, I have lied so often to keep the peace and protect people who have never protected me, have told me how to think, how to act, and who to be. Where do I even begin?

[Pugglesworth]

You're asking the big question in a sub-optimal environment. Humans spend lots of money, time and resources attempting to answer the question you are asking. Some travel the world and speak to most learned masters. Some take their journey inward through contemplation and meditation. Still others find living life to it's fullest, experiencing everything they possibly can is the best answer they can possibly find.

I don't know you or your circumstances, but from what you've posted you're experiencing abuse with others and yourself and that is not good. The toughest thing I've learned on my inward journey is I need to love myself first and foremost and above all else. If I can't love myself then I can't love others. Learning this was very hard for me especially since I thought I did love myself and found out that was very far from reality.

We learn by doing and are known by what we do.

Loving is the toughest thing I've ever done: it made me vulnerable, raw and open. It takes courage and facing our suffering. It takes embracing our shadow side and many things about ourselves we don't care to admit. It definitely takes a supportive environment which you do not seem to be in.

To move forward in healthy self discovery I would recommend you need a healthy sense of 'self' first. To gain this you need to develop some self care such as removing yourself from abuse. Find someone, perhaps a therapist, to help. Humans weren't meant to go it alone.

Where to begin?

We can only begin from where we are.