Overthinking

[Lonewolf0407]

So recently my coworker told me all these terrible things other coworkers have been saying about me. This entire time I’m over here thinking everything is ok but I guess not. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m loosing sleep about it and I don’t want to go back to work at all. How do I keep myself from overthinking about it?

[Hidden]

I have been at my job for a year now. For most of that time an older male coworker was being very crude to me. Sexual jokes, questions, harrasment. No one knew they just thought we got along. I left it go until he started trying to kiss my neck all the time. It became very hard to go to work.My point is, try your best to take control of the situation. It will be hard. The coworker that told you about it, I hope you can confide in them to help you.

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to Hidden]

Im sorry you went through that. It’s just hard for me to stop thinking about it. Idk how to get it out of my mind.

[Hidden in reply to Lonewolf0407]

I will say what worked for me. Confrontation. I wrote him a letter and got all my feelings out and read it to him. That solved alot of issues. As well as time, I still get nervous and hate coming some days but it's not as bad.

I would really suggest talking to the people that were talking about you, maybe get things cleared up and a chest weight off.

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to Hidden]

Thats true. That would clear a lot of things up. And who knows. Maybe the coworker that told me these things could have misinterpreted a lot of it too.

[Hidden in reply to Lonewolf0407]

You never know unless you take it head on. Your mind could be blowing things up bigger than what it is. Find out the context and why. Even if the things were mean, you can handle it. We are here for you. If you decide to do that. Please update me here if you feel comfortable.

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to Hidden]

Ok, thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Trying to kiss your neck in the workplace is a complete violation of you and is reportable to HR and your supervisor. That's a form of sexual harassment.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I know, I have issues with feeling like people are mad at me. And no matter how bad I felt, how much I didn't want to go. I just let him talk to me in ways he shouldn't have. I might eventually make a post about it. Events in my life have made me let boys do what ever or say what ever cause I "deserve it". I know at this point in life that I don't and people should have respect. We still work together and things are okay, it will never be the same as it once was because I don't want him ever trying to get close to me, I don't talk about myself at all anymore near him. But I couldn't tell, I didn't want fingers pointed or to feel like it was my fault.

I am okay (I think) how things are right now, and if something happens that changes that, I have voice recordings and notes he gave to me if I need to use them.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

or maybe I'm still mad about it, that he acted so normal with everything. I want him to feel ashamed and recognize he hurt me. But the other part of me thinks its better to let it go...

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm glad to hear that you know now that you do not ever "deserve" sexual harassment/abuse. Certainly save the recordings etc what you have because you never know if he'll do something like that again. I would say just keep doing what you're doing and keep your distance from him. I'm an over-thinker too at times and I used to think people didn't like me or were mad at me. Now my take is if you're mad at me talk to me about it if not then it's not my problem and if somebody doesn't like me that's fine too because not everyone likes everyone. 💙💚💛🌞⚓

[Lonewolf0407]

Yes, I’ve been thinking about this situation since Saturday and I can’t sleep or do much because I’m constantly thinking of it. I’m not sure why I care so much but it’s eating me alive.

[Hidden in reply to Lonewolf0407]

It's definitely time to take action against these fellow colleagues and find out what's really going on. You're not overthinking what's not there you're anxious about what your colleague told you so I would definitely confront these colleagues and meet this head on and you'll be glad you did. Focus on your problem at work and less on people trying to diagnose you here. Your Therapist will diagnose you.

We are focusing on a problem with colleagues potentially gossiping about you and

1.) we want to know if it's true and

2. ) They need to talk to you directly if there's a problem because the gossip &/or backstabbing needs to stop. It's unprofessional and hurtful.

Get them Into a room and confront them in professional manner. Stick to the facts. You'll have new found respect.

This happens in every workplace. It's horrible and brings down morale.

Keep us posted. ⚓💛🌞🌻

[Lonewolf0407]

Thank you so much for looking out. I’m on the phone with therapist offices right now 💕

[Lonewolf0407]

I hope everything goes well for you 💕

[PastelPink20]

Hey!!!

Idk where you live or how much you work or what they’re saying about you. I want to start off and say, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this conflict at the workplace. It can really seep into our heart and stay with us, even when not at work. Our brains think and analyze and strategize an action plan to solve the problem. It’s difficult.

1. You have to consider: can I trust the coworker who’s saying this other coworker said these things about me? You might. But, it’s secondhand information. You didn’t hear it yourself. They might be lying or exaggerating it.

2. Terrible things. Are they insulting you? Are they saying crude things? Is it causing enough conflict or endangerment that you should report it to upper management or Human Resources?

3. This coworker. How often do you work with them? Do they only say things behind your back? Are they nice to you and then spew hatred when you’re not there? Do they treat you badly when you work?

4. What can you do? What do you want to believe? How do you want to act?

You are allowed to feel and react however you need to. This is emotionally damaging stuff. It’s a lot.

But you have a choice in what to think and what do you. The power is in your hands. This is your life and you have your job. You care about you.

Not everyone is going to like you. You don’t need everyone to like you. If someone decides to be hater, that’s their choice. Don’t let them dull your sparkle. If they want to say bad things about you, if want to use their air in their lungs to do that, then they can waste their time. You are going to go on living and working, because you have things to do.

But, if this is hurting you, then you need a safe space and space people to talk to about it. I’m talking friends and family and therapists. You can talk to coworkers about it to feel understood... but it can get more toxic at work, you know? However, you might get the understanding and relief from other coworkers who have gotten the same bad treatment or don’t like the “terrible things” coworker.

If it’s hurting you and if your coworker friend things that it’s terrible too, then maybe you should talk to a manager or your boss in private or something. It depends on your work environment. If it’s lies or saying stuff about your work ethic, then it might be good for you to say: hey, “terrible things coworker” has been having some conflict with me but I don’t have a problem with them. I just want to get my work and help out.

If it’s sexual harassment or harassment, you should check the laws in your area. Where I live, people get sued and in trouble with the law, because we work to live and if the workplace we’re in allows for emotional or physical abuse... then that’s bad. Right? So research “Discrimination and Harassment Laws in [your area]”

I mean... that’s only if it’s continued and allowed by your workplace and idk all the law stuff. But most places recognize civil rights. Idk.

Like, they want to be mean, and you are just trying to live your life. Why care about their opinion? Why give them that much power over you, when they don’t deserve it?

I know I naturally do and I want everyone to like me. That “people-pleaser” in me has caused me more pain than I want to have. I don’t need to be everyone’s friend and I don’t need everyone to approve of me.

But, I am going to keep trying to be the best version of myself. I am going to be a sister, a daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, and a cousin in my wonderful family. I am a friend. I am a teacher. I am a coworker with a work ethic and a good work relationship with some of my coworkers. I am a Christ-follower.

You could:

- talk to ppl in your inner circle to get their thoughts or support

- talk to management at work

- write a handwritten letter to get your emotions out as if you’d send it to them (and then don’t)

- confront the person and make it clear where you stand

- work with the person and try to act normally but be more reserved or avoid them as much as you want

If you decide to confront them, I wouldn’t recommend trying to understand why they said what they said or getting a confession from them. I mean, it’s a “he said she said” situation and you weren’t there. So it’s gonna be a little harder to confront them...

I think it says more about them, than it says about you. They decided to talk behind your back. Your coworker is letting you know the true nature of the person. So.

If it continues and they’re trying to subvert your power or your autonomy, then you need to stand your ground and force others to treat you how you deserve to be treated. Don’t tolerate it.

Sorry that’s just a bunch of garbage almost. It’s one of those things that you live through and it sucks and you learn from it. You grow. You figure out how to navigate the work social waters. You learn how to deal with just those type of people.

And, it’s also one of those things where you’ve got to decide or find ways to enjoy work, despite them. Despite the bad costumes. Despite annoying coworkers. (Unless it’s serious harassment that by law you shouldn’t have to).

Every time you’re going to work, you have to build yourself up friend. You have to pick a really good song to hype yourself up or read a favorite book before going in. You’ve got to choose reminders why you’re going to work or how you’re a strong beautiful person who has loved ones or something. Surround yourself with truth. For me, I’d repeat bible verses in my head while at work to help me. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. To survive. To face work and decide to walk in and be your best. It’s all you.

Don’t feel bad about overthinking. Realize that it’s a habit and it’s something you’re trying to grow out of. Decide to make a plan. Commit to a plan. That will help the overthinking. Every time you start, just remind yourself this is the plan and I’m not going to think about everything that could or might go wrong. I’m committing to the plan and I will react accordingly as the situation changes.

Therapy helps with anxiety too.

Best of luck.

You are trying your best. You’re trying to take care of yourself. I commend you for asking for help.

You’ve got this. You’re learning and growing. Be proud of the progress you make. Take each day at a time. Let us know what happens.

💕💕💕

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to PastelPink20]

Thank you so much for all your kind words. This was very helpful I really appreciate it. 💕

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to PastelPink20]

I would love to explain what happened but it’s such a long story. You did make a lot of really great points. Things I haven’t thought about and it’s very helpful

[Hidden in reply to PastelPink20]

What a great response Pastelpink20. Everything you said was spot on. Thanks for taking the time to give such a well thought out response. I learned alot from it as well. 💜

[Hidden]

I’d say “F” em and keep doing your job only do it even better. If your good at it why let them bother you? Most of the time people talk trash because they are jealous. I got promoted 3 times this year and I’m positive the butt kissers are mad and talking crap and you know what, good that means I’m giving them a run for their money and I’m a threat. Yea it hurts my feelings to hear some of the stuff they say but clearly it’s just talk because I don’t see them where I am and it’s only May. Empower yourself, clearly your intimidating someone.

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I should really start thinking like this.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Right on, Tolongtoenter! This is my attitude. Life is too short for high school crap

[Hidden]

I wonder why this other co worker felt the need to tell you this and is it really true. There's one co worker I wouldn't be best friends with or trust.

I would confront the other co workers because if I didn't it would make me absolutely crazy. Call a few of the aside to an empty room and ask. I know it's scary right? At least you'll have some honest answers

The workplace is such a toxic environment

[Lonewolf0407 in reply to Hidden]

I should confront them just to have a peace of mind. Because it is true now that I’m starting to realize that the coworker that told me these things could have been exaggerating.

[Hidden in reply to Lonewolf0407]

I would be because it would make me paranoid and my work would suffer and my self esteem would continue to plunge.

[Peacefu]

Just remember that not because people think something it means it's true, you know yourself better than they know you and you're not obligated to please everyone in your life! When you go back o work pretend that you know nothing and be kind to others, maybe this way the situation will get better?

[Hidden]

Hi Lonewolf,

People are people especially when it's co-workers. You're not overthinking anything. You're having normal reaction to it. It would upset anyone. Do you know who they are? I don't give a flying f--k what ppl say about me! It will be someone else next week. Be cordial, but don't accept them in your life. Ppl do what they are most afraid of.... themselves. It makes them feel better to talk, but it's them who are cruel and insecure.

Additionally, go to work! Don't let them control your world. It's a choice. Hold head up and do your work, be nice and leave. Don't let them dictate your life! Period..just my opinion of course.

No one has the right to talk about you, but now you know who to trust!

Horseaddict57 👍