Overthinking

[Charliie1994]

My mother is bipolar. I am scared I will be like her , she turned to alcohol throughout my childhood so I have very bad memories and images in my head . I have a fear of death and when I think about it I have panic attacks ( about once a week ). I worry about little symptoms I have , things that everyone goes through but I always imagine the worst, every time something is physically wrong I ask people what is it for reassurance. I’m very self conscious and hate my body.not many people know about the way I feel because you can’t tell as I am a smiley happy person in general, I don’t want to worry my family and scared they won’t understand .

[fauxartist]

you have had a rough time of it for sure having a parent who is sick and self medicates. It does scar a childhood and it takes some work to help sort all that out as an adult. I wouldn't keep wondering and just get a professional diagnosis and also get some help with your 'emotional abandonment' issues from your childhood. At least by knowing for sure what's going on with you it takes the worry out and then you can focus on how and what you need to do for the healing and coping process.

[Charliie1994 in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks for your reply , it all sounds worse than it is , I have really good days , my doctor knows about how I feel and i am much better now than when it all started , i had many panic attacks a day and couldn’t go anywhere . I do feel much better but still worry way too much . I don’t want to have any kind of medication because it reminds me of my mother when she lived with us . She is better now and I talk to her about how I feel but she doesn’t like talking about the past.

[fauxartist in reply to Charliie1994]

is your doctor a therapist?....

[Charliie1994 in reply to fauxartist]

No , I’ve seen many therapists no one was right for me at the time . I think I may try again ..

[fauxartist in reply to Charliie1994]

I wouldn't give up.... it did take me a very long time to find one who understood me and my abandonment issues.... which were not very well understood for a long time in therapy.... best wishes

[Charliie1994 in reply to fauxartist]

Thankyou , Ive only just joined and already i see I’m not alone .

[fauxartist in reply to Charliie1994]

this is my healing place and I hope you find it that way too..... I have over these last months found people who understand what it's like trying to live with this disease cause they battle with it too....glad your sharing.

[Betty30]

Continuously talking to your mother is not going to change the past... there is nothing either one of you can do but accept what happened and THEN: go from there. Its great to get help for past issues... but it won't 'change' anything in the past. I wonder why you were always dissatisfied with all your other therapists? None of them will have magic answers that will make life all problem free... Sometimes what we have to hear is what we DO NOT WANT to hear... but it is the key....I can say this from my own experiences... You sound like you are very young yet... Besides therapy you need to involve yourself more with doing things you enjoy with other people..concentrate on what makes you happy Best wishes!!

[Charliie1994 in reply to Betty30]

Thankyou for your response, I’m 24 years old , my first panic attack was when I was 16 . I know that my mum was ill and i think I forgive her , but I know what she went through still has a big impact on me and the way I am today , even though I have forgiven her it’s still very strange to be around her now she is better , images come back to me . We moved to France as a family when I was 11 , my parents split when I was 14 , I still live in France with my dad and my mum is in England so I don’t see her much anyway .

I just sometimes feel so scared I will follow her footsteps it’s one of my biggest fears.

[Ajrea2]

Hi there. I am bipolar and in the past used drugs and alcohol to self medicate. I too have health anxiety and every little symptom I have or ache and pain I go into flight mode.ive been dealing with anxiety and panic for over 12 years. It can be really debilitating. In the past I would drink heavily just to get out of my own head. Now I'm 17 months sober and am in recovery for both my addiction and anxiety. I still have my hard days, but I'm not living in a state of fear everyday. Just know you are not alone and if you ever want to talk shoot me a message.

[Charliie1994 in reply to Ajrea2]

Hello thankyou for your response, I just saw what my mom went through and how it made her , violent towards us and many other things . She is better now , I just am worried about being like her , don’t be offended if you are going through the same thing as her it’s just I have anxiety because of what she did .

I hope you are well

[kvolm2016]

Pretty sure most of us who grow up with a parent with mental health issue (my dad was bipolar), spend time wondering/worrying about when and if we will discover the same in ourselves. Your thoughts/concerns are certainly not uncommon! One thing I eventually came to understand was that we all choose how we will handle our mental health condition. As you experienced with your mom, she chose alcohol but you being a different person can choose a completely different and healthy approach for your life. Make sense?

[Charliie1994 in reply to kvolm2016]

Sorry for late reply , yes this does make sense , thankyou