I hadn’t heard of the term “toxic positivity” before. Is it real? Can anyone relate to experiencing this?
I know I’ve felt the effects of someone speaking this way to me when I just wanted to be heard and seen where I stand. But.. idk. There is a time and place for having a positive mindset. It can be difficult for individuals to know how to comfort someone in grief or with depression.
Toxic Positivity is using simple phrases to keep someone else’s problems at an arms length. It reduces the severity of their issues by offering one dimensional solutions. It cuts the conversation short and refuses to acknowledge the bad. It occurs because of unawareness and discomfort in the person commenting because they don’t want to sit in the negative with you. It’s easy to do... because this positivity comes from wanting to move the person forward or direct the conversation onto good things. It can be a quick response. It can be from someone who can’t help, doesn’t understand, or is impatient due to the circumstances.
I personally feel like we all deserve and need moments where we can sit in the aftermath of what’s happened and feel whatever we’re feeling. But, I also believe that having a negative mindset is so harmful to yourself and others. I think that, for me, learning to change my perspective and building a mindset that helps keep me safe has been hard hard work. So, positivity itself isn’t bad; but, the timing and intent of it can be toxic?
**I just wanted to share this! Can we lift each other up without doing this? If so, how?**
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Interesting. I can see how some people's positive remarks can come off superficial and empty. I personally appreciate positivity that is solution based or encouraging. I appreciate when others share testimony of what they have been through and how they overcame the obstacle. But when someone just says "be happy," or "cheer up," it kind of feels dismissive.
I absolutely can relate. And when you say that it can be difficult for people to know how to comfort someone in grief, depression etc...100% right.
Toxic Positivity, what I understand, is just a series of one liners thrown out without care, full of fear, and confusion.
We have a saying we’re I volunteer. “There is a reason why God gave us 1 mouth, but 2 ears” Listening is far more important. And listening is a skill.
Sometimes people genuinely want to help. But advising, or trying to fix the problem to them, is greater than actually hearing what the person is saying.
Sometimes people just want to say anything to get it over with, because they feel so uncomfortable. What the person is trying to say hits home and is scary. So their advice is to let’s think happy thoughts and.....move on quickly.
When a person sits in front of you. Or on the telephone. The only thing that you should do, is listen.
If you try to preempt, and figure out how you can fix them whilst they are talking, then you literally miss the majority of what is being said to you.
People in crisis just need to be heard. Need to tell their story. Share their thoughts, and feel safe to do so.
Positivity is crucial. And can help give strength and courage.
We can also help by affirming that there will be better, brighter days. That everything changes, and nothing, even bad times, stay forever.
Uplifting and encouraging a person AFTER they have talked is a good way forward.
I have heard of this before and think it is so harmful. No one is positive all the time. The idea of emotions is that they come and go and change. For example a parents die, it would been seen as a mental health problems is the child DIDN'T get upset. I have definitely experienced this. I think listening and refecting back is more helpful, also sticking by a person through hard things and emotions. As for lifting people up, using specific compliments (I was proud of you when you washed the dishes, I really like those trousers on you they make you look lovely ect. ) also letting people know if your own hard stuff, with out telling them you know what they are going through because that's just untrue. If you have to give advice say take it or leave it, so no pressure is out on.
Good Morning. I had that experience with my daughter. I thought the same. But, I found that people actually do process loss in different ways. Doctors said it was healthy my daughter’s response. It can be as you say the person is repressing grief. But not always. My daughter was in third grade. When I asked her if she missed dad, she actually said, “You can’t miss someone who is dead.” I took it hard. But kids actually can bounce back much quicker.
They might bounce back quicker but that doesn't mean it doesn't effect that. By saying she bounced back quicker that suggests she was upset to start with an I right?
It was pretty weird. She wasn’t. There is actually a lot of research out there. Some people don’t grieve much at all. It doesn’t do any good to worry why. And of course this is a sensitive topic for me. But I really thought the same as you. But, no. She never showed grief and therapist at hospice said it is normal. And my own therapist too. They said it doesn’t mean it’s not a loss. But everyone is different
Part of the reason I said what I did was that from the outside it would seem like I got over particularly the last 5 family deaths really quickly (I didn't cry at all for the last 4 and only a tiny bit for the once that's 5), in reality I just havent processes it yet and don't know when I will be able to. I also have a fairly pragmatic attitude towards dealth and don't see it as such a big deal (over 10 people in my family and a few outside have die in my lifetime and I'm in my late teens). I don't get upset when people talk about it ect. I just know that the processing of that hasn't been done, this comes from a long journey and a ridiculous amount of self awareness.
Interesting. Positivity is a hard won battle for me. So that’s why those blanket statements are useless. I do think gratitude, helping, and compassion for self and others increase mental health. But, it’s also true that we all have negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Self acceptance and accepting others as they are includes accepting all parts. I have grown healthier and I do believe in taking responsibility for helping myself be more positive. But, this is most definitely a learned skill. Blanket statements don’t help teach it. But, sometimes they can encourage me. 💙💜❤️ Thank you for the interesting post
You’re so right! Taking responsibility for your attitude and positivity is a learned skill. You have to be in a position where you can take care of yourself to learn it.
Thank you for your words!! I am glad I was able to share it.
💕💕💕
The image, not so much, the words on the right, sure. The way you explain it, hell yer. It’s not how I respond well at all to hearing and not something I would give as advice. Thank you for naming it for me.
Thanks for sharing! It’s true that we all have our own journey... and we all reach a point where we let go of the expectations that we should do what others do or what’s worked for them should work for us. It’s nice to have that acceptance I think.
Having shared struggles, we can support each other through it.
I don't think there is one without the other. Kinda like no hell without heaven.
I believe it is very easy to create within ourselves.
Also that you can love someone who puts you on top of the world, but also has their own demons, and when they come out, it's toxic for you both. Sometimes more toxic than what you do to yourself.
I can understand perfectly how short, bouncy replies are the wrong way to go at times. People need to have their negative feelings validated when they reach out for help. They may need to work through those feelings before they can draw the positive from them. I think people are well-intentioned in their advice most of the time, but perhaps look at things from their own perspective rather than that of the person they are trying to advise. I think we need to choose our words and phrases carefully.
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