Feeling low

[Pagesofwords]

I am feeling low today. Dwelling on shame from the past. Shame that says I'm not good enough to be a regular person. Feeling abandoned by the love and nurture that I need. I give it out a lot. Why won't it come back to me? Make me feel worthwhile? A gray day. Rain, irrationality, failure. I have to be gentle with myself and kind. Shame is a lifelong sentence. Shame is embedded deep. Back to bed. Long for sleep. This, too, shall pass.

[hopefullyhappytoday]

Your words helped me so much the other day and I am so grateful!

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way today. Even though we are strangers, you mean something to me.

I send you love and positive vibes. You will pull through!

[Pagesofwords in reply to hopefullyhappytoday]

Thank you, hopefullyhappytoday. I felt humiliated because I couldn't get my camera to work on me for a Zoom meeting that I had looked forward to so much. So, I was only in the meeting for 15 minutes and couldn't talk or show my face to the other people. It made me feel suddenly 5 years old again and that I wasn't "good enough" to wear a ponytail to school. It's not rational. But the feelings overpowered me and I cried and cried. Today I've had low energy and slept a lot. I felt I disappoint everyone and have made too many mistakes. My strong self is usually here, as I wrote to you the other day. But sometimes something happens that triggers my shameful feelings. I've heard we have familiar pathways in our brains where we can go. The depressed pathway is well known to me--and sometimes I fall off my strong pathway. I understand intellectually how this reaction is not based on logical reality. A few days ago I was chatting with my nieces and nephew and trying to get them to see my viewpoint which was to be kind. They were argumentative with me. I think this exchange also pushed me into the depressed neuropathway. I WILL get through this. It just hurts when it's here. Thank you for caring. I hope you are well.

[hypercat54]

Save some of the love and nurture you need for yourself instead of giving it all away.

[Pagesofwords in reply to hypercat54]

You are absolutely right. My husband gives me love too. He understands how hard it is to shake off shame. It's not reasonable to feel ashamed. I will feel better pretty soon. I know I need to love myself. Thank you for caring.

[Agora1]

Pagesofwords, Shame does not have to be a lifelong sentence. We cannot change

what we did or how we behaved in the past. I was reading over your posts from

several years back. Does this shame have to do with your sister's condition?

We do what we can in life and sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. We give and

give until there is nothing left to give. We are then spent, feel alone, can feel

worthless and as you say carry this shame around on your back. It may be deeply

embedded in your thoughts but you need to release that emotional pain you are feeling.

Not by a pill, not by retreating to bed. That accomplishes nothing but allowing your

life to pass you by, by just existing.

Working out this emotion with a therapist should be the first step in going forward.

Shame only begets Shame and you get no where. It's time for you to be loved. You

so deserve that. Always best to start with yourself. We're here for you because we

care. xx

[Pagesofwords in reply to Agora1]

No, it's not about sister though I do miss her every day and when I'm sad or depressed she will pop into my mind; she died July 19, 2018.

I feel my shame is not related to my behavior or what I did or didn't do. I think I have always had it since I was small (like age 3). I think my parents had a hard time providing the love that I needed. I know now that both of them had the deaths of their fathers within 2 years of each other by the time I was 4. Grief overwhelms people and they don't always know how to help preschool age people. I work with preschoolers. I am sensitive.

Thank you for caring enough about me to read my old posts. Thank you for your thoughtful reply to me. I know I'll feel better soon. I have had a lot of therapy over the years. Therapy has helped me a lot. I know many healthy coping skills but sometimes I fall down.

I feel a little stronger already, having read what people wrote and having written back. Take care.

[Agora1 in reply to Pagesofwords]

Dearest Pages, I am so truly sorry for the loss of your sister.

You sound like a very caring and sensitive person. I'm glad that you

are here with us. I hope you feel the love and caring each one of has

for each other. Wishing you well new friend. xx

[Pagesofwords in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your kind words. I’m feeling a little better this evening.

[Hidden]

Dear Pagesofwords, I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. Your post made me cry as I was reading it bc I feel that way too often. Like, I’m a burden to others just by being who I am and because of my mental illness. I feel weak and that makes the shame worse, especially when I think about everything else I went through in life and then I can’t beat this depression. I feel ashamed for whom I love, what I like, how I dress and present myself. I often have anxiety after work when I think about something I said that maybe was a little off. I am lacking support from family and friends and general acceptance as I work on trying to beat this. I like that you said that this too shall pass, and I will try to remind myself of that the next time I feel shame.

[Pagesofwords in reply to Hidden]

Dear RedMissX—

Thank you for writing to me. It helps me know I am not alone. I am feeling a little better this evening. I am sorry that you also get crippled by shame. We shouldn’t have to feel bad or have to apologize for who we are. I recognize it’s a lie but sometimes cannot fight it off very well. Tomorrow will be better. I wish you well. Thanks again.

[DJB74]

Very sad but profound words. I completely feel you

[Palmo]

Hi Pages, I don't really have anything will help you, but I can totally relate to feelings of not being good enough from an early age. It does still have the effect of knocking me right back, I'm in my mid fifties now but can go back to my early years (4+) of just wanting to win approval.

From reading your replies it sounds like you know your strengths and that these times will pass. I send heartfelt best wishes to you. Xx

[Pagesofwords in reply to Palmo]

Thank you, Palmo. I am feeling a lot stronger today. Best wishes to you, too.

[Island2]

Hi pagesofwords this shall pass yes,but might come back to knock you down.Each time you are gonna fight to bounce back.You are stronger than you thought .It is so tiring to live with that feeling right? But it doesn't have to be like that."Feeling Good" by Dr.David Burns suggested by my doctor is a very helpful source to get help.It teaches CBT cognitive behavioral therapy ,there is even one section that teaches how to overcome the feelings you are experiencing.I am sure if you read the book it will help.Take care

[Pagesofwords]

Thank you, Island2. I actually own that book but have never read it. I can give it a try!

[utep99]

You do not need to feel bad about your past. Jesus died on the cross for all your sins. If you ask him to forgive you he will do it. I struggled with so many sins even you would say to me. There is no way you can be forgiven! But in God's word he sent his son Jesus to die for all our sins past, present and future. After you ask God's forgiveness and bring him into your life you only need to say forgive me Father and it is done. Satan uses our past against us and this helps keep us down. But God says look forward and forgive yourself as I have forgiven you! You get the bonus of spending eternity in Heaven. It is a win, win. Ask God to come into your life and forgive you. Accept the fact that Christ went to the cross for your sins and ask he to become Lord of your life, In a very short time you will feel much better. If you choose to not to believe in God. I only have one question. Why were 12 people (11 original disciples and the one who replaced Judas) willingly go to death? If it were not true somebody at one point would have said ":Hey it is all made up!" They didn't instead they went to their deaths praising God because they knew they were spending eternity with God! Think about it. I hope this helps. I know it did more that I can ever repay for me!

[Pagesofwords in reply to utep99]

Thank you, utep99. I am a follower of Jesus. I get low because my brain is trained to take me there. Usually I can resist going there but when I am overwhelmed by something, I get to feeling too sad, and my brain takes me there. I believe Jesus is with me everywhere, loves me, cares for me tenderly, forgives me, and accompanies me at all times. I believe Jesus speaks through other people to help me hold onto his love, forgiveness, hope, and other promises. Thank you for sharing your faith with me. I actually am feeling so much better today. It just took a little time for me to come around to my healthy self again. I did the Zoom meeting successfully today and got to see all my precious students and be part of a bingo game. This uplifted my heart. I hope you will be well.