Feeling like to cry, Seems there is no tears left in me.

[wanttoliveagain]

It's 12:30 AM and I'm not sure how to face tomorrow, I am not able to accept that I am a failure and my past was passed away. I am not as good as before. I don't even know what I am thinking of. I am the only reason where I am now and I am not able to accept the fact that I need to take care of my word.. Sorry lost my mind completely. I want to cry aloud , But I think these tears also left me..

[HopeforJustice]

Praise yourself, you find the right place to seek love and support. Most people have struggles, some worse than others. It is how you deal with the pain that matters most. You are an important person. You matter. Your life has value. How did this happen? What caused you to feel this way? I hear you and I am here. I care about you.

Hope is the light that shines within you that will lead you out of this darkness.

I am hope.

[wanttoliveagain in reply to HopeforJustice]

In short, I was successful and happy living with family and friends until a couple of years ago and helped lots of people. Everyone used to envy me. But things changed dramatically within a short time, helped a friend more than I can afford and unfortunately, he passed away in an accident everything came up on my head. Same time my father was in need and I could not do up to his requirements and we had a fight, after that he started drinking again due to pressure from others.. It caused liver failure and he passed away. It dragged me into a depression since I caused two deaths somehow. I don't even know when I addicted to drinks but I was into this shirt for a long time. By the time I realised I was buried in to lots of problems and a lot more debts. I started my job again recently but this financial crisis does not let me focus on anything and all of my friends and banks chasing me. I need some time to focus but I am not getting any.. I really want to stand up for my family but I'm not sure how to put these things in place..

[wanttoliveagain in reply to wanttoliveagain]

One phone call and losing my coolness on the wrong time flipped my life upside down.. It costs two lives and more. I am not able to live n not able to die. All I need is time n I am not getting that.. Spent lots of sleepless nights and I really want to live for my family and people depending on me..

[hypercat54 in reply to wanttoliveagain]

You aren't responsible for your father's death - he is so put the 'blame' where it belongs. If you were Ted Bundy then I would say you probably are but not otherwise.

I am sorry about your friend's accident. It's very sad but these things do happen unfortunately.

As for your father, again I am very sorry for your loss, but you didn't force him to drink did you? His choice. Take care. x

[HopeforJustice in reply to wanttoliveagain]

Share you pain with those who care about you and love you.

[HopeforJustice in reply to wanttoliveagain]

STOP. Breathe inhale slowly, count to 10, exhale, slowly. You are not responsible for the two lives that are no longer here. Repeat after me. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. Look yourself in the mirror, smile, breathe and tell yourself this everyday at least 10 times per day. Say it until you believe it. Say it until you mean it. Stop thinking about what you no longer have and be grateful for this: 1. You had a father whom you knew. 2. You had a friend. Some of us have neither. I never had a father and did not change my last name when I got married hoping someday he would look for me. He never did.. fast forward, 50 years later. I still have hope that he is out there and he will find me. I have to believe that he did not abandoned me completely.

Would your life have been better not knowing him? Think of it this way, could you miss a stranger you never met? I'm talking about knowing nothing about him, not a photo, not his name, as if he never existed.

How can you miss what you don't know right? I ask myself, what if my father is a serial killer and is in prison, that's the reason why he could not look for me. If I looked for him and found out he was in prison and could visit him, but this would put my life and my family's life in danger? Would I still want to know him? Would you?

It was your father's job to be a parent, not yours. Each adult is responsible for their own decisions. Accidents happen, that's why they are called accidents. Nobody plans their day with a car accident on their daily agenda. Stop looking in the rear view mirror. This is your life, honor their deaths by living for them with a better life.

I see a glimmer of hope in you because you were once successful and know you can do it again. Seek therapy. Now there is teletherapy. Find an AA program. Where do you live? If you live in the U.S. there are meetings, now online meetings everywhere. Alcohol is a waste of money, have someone else manage your money if you cannot control your spending on alcohol. Every time you want to spend money on alcohol, find your favorite charity and give it to them.

You are carrying a heavy burden and now it is time to place that burden on the shelf. You can visit it once a day and eventually put that burden in the closet and move forward. This is a temporary setback for you to do something great, this setback is a setup for your bright future.

Rediscover your passions. Take one small step today toward something good. Take a shower, dress up and show yourself, you got it.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Repeat. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.

again and again.

I believe in you. Now belief in yourself.

Hope

[mydogs in reply to HopeforJustice]

My Dear Friend you have put into words what a very expensive therapist could not say to me,and I will take your words to wanttoliveagain and put them into practice Thank you .

[Hidden]

You didn't say how old you are.i have anxiety rarely but when I do it's not good.i hear alot of failure in your post.try to find a good Dr.take one day at a time.i just wanted to say I feel for you.try to think, talk more positive thoughts.be well my friend.i will say a prayer for you.

[wanttoliveagain in reply to Hidden]

Thanks a lot for your message and prayers. I'm 37 years old and l was successful and happily living thing in this world, in couple of years became like dead thing with no life . I'm trying to handle one thing at a time, Due to this pressure from friends and others im losing my focus and back to this depression. I did solved some of these things in the last couple of months. But I am not able to get enough of time and support.. Anyway, I will try to focus on the job at hand.

[HopeforJustice in reply to wanttoliveagain]

Hello,

I just read your reply regarding "pressure" from friends. What are they doing or saying to make you feel this type of pressure? Be as specific as possible because we can then figure out why you are feeling this way? Did they harm you in any way?

I read a great book, not sure if this is the exact title "People Cannot Drive you Crazy Unless you give Them the Keys" Read this today. Only you can control what you allows others to say and do to you. When I've suffered from a bad break-up and I replay what I could of, should of done differently. I stop myself and change the channel in my brain to positive thoughts. Then I tell my rational self, "don't allow bad people to take a free parking spot in your brain" If you live in a big city, this has more meaning where parking is a premium. In translation, only allow those who are worthy to occupy your thoughts. The best thing about technology is you have the power to turn it off. Do not feel compelled to respond or answer texts/calls. There is no law in the world that states we are required to answer our friends' calls/texts. I like to add humor, but not to make light of serious situations, but laughing makes you automatically feel better. For most, it is impossible to be happy, smile, laugh loudly and be sad and cry simultaneously. Try it. Whomever is dragging you down, block their number or don't respond. The "texting police" won't come knocking on your door. If so, I'd like to know.

You are the commander of your ship. Take over the controls. There are two types of people in our lives, those who bring us down or build us up: 1. Anchors 2. Sails

1. The Anchors - they will bring us down, they stress us out, they are demanding of our time, keep us stagnant, drown us in their sorrow, takers, they borrow money and do not return it, overall negative energy, they either ignore and/or do not listen to your problems.

2. The Sails - they are loving and supportive, they are altruistic, they encourage you to follow your passions, they give you your space to accomplish your goals, they expect nothing in return, they bring you soup when you are sick, they buy you groceries, they will listen without judgment.

Which traits above are the people in your life?

Hope

[wanttoliveagain in reply to HopeforJustice]

I am not sure I borrowed money from them and I can't pay right now, I need some time to settle down and then I can pay, seems everyone is in problems they are calling me daily and asking for money even though I am asking for some time, I joined the job couple of months ago and want to focus on my work and need to be peaceful for some time. So that I can clear debts one by one.

[Kelly_xoxo]

Hi friend. Im so very sorry for your deep suffering. My heart goes out to you. ♥️

I had a very similar life situation happen as well. My entire world changed and life as I knew it was gone. My marriage, my home, my security. Also my support system. All gone. Economically and just everything I knew is now gone. Its been a year since everything ended and its been the most difficult thing Ive had to face. Especially being codependent and having to face the world without a spouse. Taking care of my world, like you said has been terrifying to do alone since I have always been in a marriage. I totally understand your fears and how your mind is feeling. I cried so much and I don't know how Im still standing. But somehow we both are. Im here if you need someone to relate to. Msg me if you need to. Im sorry for your life circumstances and I feel for you deeply friend. I get “it”.

Much love & peace. Please reach out if you need to ♥️

[wanttoliveagain in reply to Kelly_xoxo]

Thanks for sharing your experience Kelly, I want to focus more and need some air to breathe. How are you coping up with these challenges?

[HopeforJustice in reply to Kelly_xoxo]

Hello Kelly,

Read my reply as to the two types of people in our lives. What is your passion? What is something you have always wanted to do, but something or someone is holding you back? Who are the toxic people in your life now? This forum is for us to support each other in a non-judgmental way. I believe in you and you are worthy of greatness.

Tell yourself three positive things about yourself. Here is mine: today I have good health, today my legs are strong and I can get onto my stationary bike. Name three things you are most grateful: today my dog is still breathing (he has lung cancer), my future holds endless opportunities for me to make a difference, my tap dancing online class.

What are your three things?

Hope

[Hidden in reply to HopeforJustice]

Well there are thins I love :photography and my faithful companion ,photoshop. I just LOOOOVVVe it. I also love to read my NY Times and my french newspaper ( LEMONDE ).ok watching MSNBC /sometimes CNN and/ my french cable channel tv5 monde I have a roof over my head, independent etc/

My list of thins i hate somehow is a litte bit longer! Bla bla bla not tonight

[Hidden]

I can relate to no more tears left ..life has a way to punch u down with hard blows not one but several, After semi getting up with one blow...there comes another one and another one,just around the corner...I cried and cried for a year and no more water could come out. My well was dry. And after a long long time ,the raw pain is not at the surface all the time. Messing with your heart, your smile and your over-drained eyes. the hurt is still there but is blurry inside and his kindda hidden but still a background sort of noise even if it is ever-present.

[Junella]

It is uncanny but I experienced a similar situation with my father-in-law. He was a difficult person and we brought him across the country to be nearby. When he got tired of the place he accused us of using him. And threaten to get a lawyer. I lost it and argued with him. My husband got a lawyer to ask him to leave. He did and went back to drinking and died shortly. I blamed myself. I know it’s not true. He used me to leave. But I still think about it at times. You had too many things happen at once. There is much good advice from others here. It will pass. You could write a thankful letter to those you owe.money to and explain your situation and hopefully they will have sympathy It will be a tangible record. Maybe pay a little bit at a time to show your intent I am praying for you.