I am an elderely male, good standard of living, physically reasonabl for age, but don't really want to wake up in the morning as see no point in life.
I have cardiac problems but managing this ok, I have neuropathic pain in legs, feet, and ankles which is constant but no cure and this lowers my mood.
My wive has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, and to see her suffer is breaking my heart, and being selfish her behaviour is breaking my spirit, there is no future for us life can only get worse. both lonely in our own way, just a day to day existence. The cold hand of the NHS can offer no releif to our situation, and charities try to help but cannot be all things to all people as much as they try.
My wife is not depressed, just mentally impaired and no memory, but I am severeley anxious and depressed, my hands shake with pent up emotion, and I long for someone to talk and share things with, but strangely many friends have drifted away.
There is so much more but pointless me winging on, and I know there must be others in a similar or worse situation, and I would appreciate any advice or crumbs of comfort from anyone who copes with a similar situation.
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svenson
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It’s hard to watch parents going through ill health. Both heart patients and mum with hip fracture. But we managed to get things ready for son’s birthday in Care Home. He is low functioning and nonverbal or can’t talk. Life is tough
Well, I am also very down, although the reasons are different. My husband died several years ago. It was a long marriage and I am having a very difficult time "moving on." I have moved to be closer to my son, but that is a mixed bag, as I miss my friends and am homesick.
I can give you suggestions, but I suspect you may already have thought of them. The first would obviously be seeing a psychiatrist. If you can afford it I would do this privately and do it on an ongoing basis for "talk therapy." This can really be a lifeline. Next is antidepressants, and they can help and it is worth trying them. Exercise - walking is good, and as much as you can. It does release endorphins and also, it is difficult to be depressed while you are actually walking. Swimming, bike riding, etc are equally good, although you should check with your cardiologist before starting an exercise program.
You should obviously also try to meet a few people and hopefully forge a friendship. I cannot give much advice on how to do this, as I am struggling also with this in my new city and badly miss my "home friends." Joining a church does occur to me, and you do not need to be religious to do this. I think it can bring some comfort. Also, the congregation usually skews older and members often have various difficulties themselves, so it may be easier for you to feel "at home." It is a way to be among people which, in and of itself, is helpful. There are also often various small events during the week.
You also want to be thinking about longer term care for your wife, as well as assistance now if you feel it is needed so that you can be out of the house.
I am in the US, but you are welcome to PM me if you wish.
PS If you are physically able have you thought about a pet?-- perhaps a kitten.
Alzheimer's is truly heartbreaking for those close to the sufferer, my sympathies.
Like with so many others, I would recommend small steps. Take things one at a time, you sound so overwhelmed! Maybe make a list or if you don't have a journal, start one of those to help you organize your thoughts (good and bad alike).
Finding kindred souls you can talk to about your own health concerns and your wife's Alzheimer's might help you carry this tremendous burden. I'm sorry, I can't relate but I do wish you the best in finding the right people- keep reaching out!
So sorry for what’s happening with you right now, you feeling there is no point to life is very sad also. Like you say, not only are you coping with your own mental/physical issues but your wife through no one’s fault is affecting both your lives, as you knew it, with one of the cruelest conditions.
You say friends have dropped contact (probably just they don’t know what to say or how to help but sad they took that route.
D you have family eg children albeit grown up, grandchildren or friends who have remained loyal - could you maybe contact them to say could they join you for a cup of tea in the first instance - maybe say you know they have busy lives and don’t wish to intrude but you feel you could really value a little company!
There is a charity who are specifically there for the carers - that would be you -
They do a multitude of things that will assist someone who cares for someone, even sometimes sitting with your loved one while you do something for you
Have you contacted your GP to get social services on board to look into things that will help make life a little easier
Sometimes there are Respite Facilities - whereby your wife could go in to a temporary residence, sometimes just for a few days to help you out
Helping hands 0333 060 9670 offer care in the home
Please don’t feel alone and I know sometimes fighting to get assistance is draining - try to look at it as though, if you’ve had years of happiness with your wife, try to do the things you would have done together but unfortunately she will miss that part, maybe if she likes looking at photos, put some of you in a book doing something and then show her the book and talk her through a day you’ve had
These are only suggestions that may or may not be possible depending on her current capabilities - your life is worth it honestly - you just need a little more support from somewhere - Good luck I hope some of this helps
My Mom has dementia but still is having some normal conversations and showing good spirits once in awhile. She is sweet but a totally different person than I used to know and it makes me very sad. The confusion, the repetitive questions, And all the help she needs with the house. My mom was neat as a pin with her housekeeping in earlier times but that’s gone away and I know she can’t help it. It’s okay. That perfection thing used to drive me nuts anyway. But it went from “Oh we can’t sit here and we can’t sit there” to the house is a mini disaster. My Dad is 91, sharp but really slowing down. I am very close to them. They need me. I think I am already starting to grieve their eventual passing. I have no social life. Barely any. Divorced, no children, parent caretaker- not a group everyone is running to join! It used to be so different. Life was never fabulous but acceptable. Fun, sometimes.
My mom fell last night in the middle of the night. I think she got lightheaded and blacked out for a second. As she fell she hit her head really hard on the side of the tub in the bathroom. Her face is black and theblue, back is badly bruised, in a lot of pain and after being checked out at ER was sent home with the order of 1 extra strength Tylenol for the remainder of the night. We all know that doesn’t do crap. Would not allow any stronger pain killers. She’s 88 what do they expect her to do!!!😖☹️…..Anyway, she doesn’t remember any of it and keeps asking what happened. Trying to do all I can for her…it’s just so hard!! I know what you are going through! What if this is it? The future looks a bit bleak. When they are gone, how am I supposed to pick up all the pieces and move on? There is no one I know who can help me. And believe me no one wants to hear your depressing story. Especially more than once. Yes, things could be worse. I am grateful for many things and try to put on the happy face. I too just wish I could meet a few really great people to befriend and socialize with ya know? Mainly for down the road. So sorry you are in a tough position. I am sorry I wrote a book! Right in the middle of this and the words just flow.
Your story sounds just like mine. I am sorry you are going through this as well. It is exhausting being a caregiver, but I am so blessed to be spending this time with my mom and dad. I have no spouse or children and worry about significant loneliness when they pass…but one day at a time is all I can do for now.
I totally agree with you dutchgirl71! Thank you for the validation! As svensen said, “ You long for someone to talk to… and feel friends drifting away…” It’s tough!
So much of what you have typed resonates profoundly with me extremely correctly so. Almost mirroring my life and the lives of my parents and how I am feeling. My Mum has dementia, recently she has become significantly worse, but does still know my name and I hope she still knows who I am to here. 😔 I am grieving deeply despite both my parents thankfully still being here. When they are not, I feel my life will be over, know that with certainty because I love them both so so very deeply beyond words, and yes I'm using the word deeply a lot, it is deeply fitting. I am deeply deeply profoundly achingly sad, heartbroken, devastated, lost, lonely and hurting empty inside to the point that I don't want to live anymore as really no point. I'm alone, my parents are my LIFE and LIFE without either or both of them is unbareable. Can't take my Mum anywhere nice to spend some alone time with her as I don't drive, and don't have money spare for taxis, my mum can get rather verbally aggressive or rather verbally nasty and spiteful. Mum was not like that before dementia took hold, she was loving, gave hugs, but was always a bit stuffy and pompous, but never pushed anyone away from giving her a kiss on her cheek and a hug, and she was very kind hearted and caring and gave hugs, understood and dried tears and listened understanding and cooked the best meals and cakes etc, all that is gone, my Mum often pushes me away, gets angry with me, says hurtful things about me and to me under her breath. I still have my Mum somewhat on her better days where she will let me hug her and kiss her on the cheek of her but in spilt seconds she can become angry and unkind. I am often verbally abused by her and treated scornfully as if I'm a monster and everything I do is wrong. It destroys me, moreso because of growing up with present day aged 48 being ridiculed and bullied and verbally abused by other people and with me battling depression my Mum's behavur towards me on top of everything else destys me, leaves me feeling empty, useless and broken, heartbroken hurting so so very painfully deeply. My dad older than mum and he is her fulltime carer doing it all alone and .taking himself often ill, he is depressed too, and has a lot more than most people born in 1946 to physically and mentally do. Big house to take lone care of, big gardens, cleaner in now once a week, but nothing else, dad has his own significant health issues, but he is strong and healthy fit for his age, but his health issues mean if something happened to him and I or my older teenager were not there or the cleaner wasn't there he will be doomed as Mum will not be able to help him she freezes and she will not know what to do to save him. Mum now struggles to operate a phone to make outgoing calls, and does t know when something is an emergency. I worry constantly and have my own health issues that mean my visits to them due to not driving are not as often as I want them to be and that they need to be. And that also beats me down making me feel like a failure, and then feeling that way and when do see them I'm verbally abused most often by my Mum and my dad due to his hearing problems somehow rarely ever hears her being horrible to me. It seems convenient to me he somehow rarely ever hears but hears me alright if I defend myself rightly against them both actually and I don't mean physically or verbally shouting and raging, but me sticking up for myself as no partner to say hey that's enough now to either of them. They both do it because they know there is nobody with me to tell them they are out of order and behaving like bullies. Nobody there for me to turn to for any support of any sort, and I do need it. Nobody understands what allf this is like, nobody cares. I could die and nobody would know. My parents used to care a lot, now Mum doesn't remember that she ever did, and dad is to wrapped up in the care of mum and the billion other things he's always busy with to avoid doing things with mum or with me because he is heartbroken, depressed, overwhelm and a not ok!
I am nearly there with you, svenson. My partner (81)is not diagnosed but I fear he is in one of the lower stages of dementia. Life is very difficult. He is T1 diabetic and I must now go out, though not ready, to do a quick shop. He came out of a four week stay in hospital on Christmas Eve and doesn't remember where anything is. He used to make the bread but I have to now go out and buy some.
When they get out of the hospital it’s always worse. He’ll improve some when he’s at home.
Look into dietary advice (not orthodox advice) about dementia. There are definitely foods and supplements that can halt the thing. And activities. One of the best things is intermittent fasting, but even beside that there is stuff you can do. Don’t sit back and see your partner deteriorate.
Depends if he has diabetes 1 or 2. Most people with diabetes 2 can go off insulin if they radically change their diet. Not all, though.
Some researchers call dementia “diabetes 3”. Some of the same etiology.
A subset of diabetes sufferers improve on coconut oil or, better still, MCT oil. These deliver energy to the brain from fatty acids rather than sugar. Absolutely worth a try.
Type 1 and not straightforward apparently. Has to have lots of carbs to prevent BS dropping dangerously. The fact that it rose off the scale five weeks ago is extraordinary - not that it hasn't happened before, but he hasn't actually been rushed to hospital in a coma before. They weren't sure whether he had suffered brain damage but they did a scan and said his brain was "clear" which was a pleasant surprise, but I still have doubts.
My home help just arrived and he didn't remember her at all for quite some time. He hasn't seen any soaps for six weeks, and doesn't recognise a lot of the characters, but I think that would be the case for anyone after six weeks.
It's interesting what you say about Diabetes 3; I haven't heard of that before. I would cook in coconut oil but he has started to prepare his own food and it is all boiled and steamed. I don't want to rock the boat but I will suffer from food boredom soon. In the first week I cooked delicious food every day.😞 Problem is, I have things to do that aren't to do with keeping house and cooking and I think he realised that yesterday and gave me time to do it - ordering prescriptions etc.
I’m not sure I have all that much to offer re life’s shittiness, if you will.
I know quite a few elderly people who are widowed or whose spouses have dementia, and most of them have quite a bit of depression. I could say “look on the bright side, join a club” etc, but who am I kidding, life isn’t always remediable, much of it, especially toward the end as you lose people and health, is far from great.
That said, if I look at that group of people, one of them, a 89 year old childless widower is not depressed at all. He doesn’t like coming home to an empty house, but he does a heck of a lot of social things, and on the whole likes his life.
Is he happier because he was sensible and undertook social activities etc? Or is he by nature a person without tendencies toward depression and therefore finds it much easier to join clubs and hang out with people? Everyone will have their own answer to that. But yes, it is true that getting among people is important - the less your brain has to focus on beside your own thoughts, the worse depression will be.
Anyway…just a remark on the neuropathy. It seems that many people find benefit by taking a particular form of vitamin B1 called benfothiamine. Perhaps you could try that. Other B1 supplements won’t work. Use a good brand, not something cheap with questionable background (Amazon supplements can no longer be trusted to be genuine and not fake; iHerb is still good, I hear.)
Hello dear so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I know what it is like to be just existing . Just here but not wanting to be. I would love to be able to talk to you more. I know too what the loneliness feels like. But don’t give up hope things will get better. I will prayer for and you can talk to Jesus He is really there trust me. And He can make a difference can’t hurt to talk to Him. Just call His name and start talking. It works. You have nothing to lose.
Thank you all for your replies, and for sharing with me, as well as advice and condolences, it helps to know you are not alone, and I am trying to survive for my wifes sake as if I collapse what will happen to her? We lost our pet cat recently, it was her 'child' that she loved and cared for and it hit her hard, but she now has a variety of dolls and cuddly toys which she thinks are alive and puts to bed , talks to them and is concerned they are not eating. It is surreal, I am the outsider if I try and explain they are toys., What next? Sorry.. I am going on, but it helps me cope. Bless you all.
I’m in a similar situation.Lost my profession after a head injury.Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed.Deptession, anxiety, headaches, ADHD just too mention a few. I live with my sister whom is “lounge chair ridden”.Her mind is starting to go. What has kept me going are my “furry ones”and my sister. Also, I subscribed to “Audible” and I have found some comfort listening to historical books as well as biographies. I was a practicing Veterinarian before head injury. If and when you feel up to it? Let me know if you are on any antidepressants? Also your thoughts on the NHS and Monarchy? Sending healing thoughts. Carmella
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