Progress?

[Racheezy]

Hello everyone!

I’ve actually been doing well. I’m enjoying self quarantine. My favorite bands have been dropping music so I’m okay. Most of my day is spent cooking, cleaning, word search and music. Plus, delivery margaritas! It’s been a long emotional journey though and it felt like a good time to share. I stopped taking my Lexapro this year. I haven’t taken it since January.

I had a lot of issues at work in November that triggered me so much. It was horrible. I would wake up with crippling anxiety and would call in sick to work. It would take me hours to calm down & for winter break I did not get out of bed for like two weeks. I thought maybe I need to see my doctor. So I did, she prescribed me some Xanax to take as needed. I have never been on a controlled substance medication at all and I never took it. I did get a dosage increase in my meds. But again, I just didn’t want to take anything anymore I guess.

I had been afraid of taking meds in the first place so idk. I just stopped. I didn’t even think about it. I also stopped taking my birth control. Like, I just didn’t want to be taking pills everyday anymore.

Then I went to a work conference and I started to get anxiety again. I was around tons of strangers in an environment where I had to be super professional. This was not my element. Ya know? So I would get anxiety especially around dinner. For some reason, when I get it, my tummy hurts and I can’t get myself to eat. But like, I just reminded myself that I was okay and that I was strong. & idk things just clicked.

I’ve been able to do the things that I wasn’t able to before. My doctor did tell me that I would feel a good difference after being on Lexapro for a whole year (which I was). I’m not sure if it was the meds that helped or the fact that I started being nicer to myself for a change. Now when I get sad, I don’t spiral or dig myself in a deep, dark hole. I’m focusing on myself more and I think I value myself a lot more too.

Before things were good, they were bad. I cut people out of my life that I knew we’re holding me back before. Like, I had kept in touch with the guy that I fell in love with for the first time ever. He had been around for 10 years. I let him go. I let go of the things people used to say about me and accepted that as part of my past. At first I felt a bit guilty for hurting so many people that I was cutting out but it felt right.

To top things off, someone that I liked/crushed on made a comment about my weight and it hurt bc I was bullied in the past for it. So, when ppl talk about how small I am, it makes me uncomfortable. He poked fun at me for it and it made me so sad. & I realized, I don’t need to deal w that. Like, if he was going to be making me feel bad about my body and poking fun at it then why bother? Maybe that triggered me too but he also hasn’t apologized for it or even reached out to me. I haven’t talked to him and he hasn’t gotten the hint. He compared my body to someone else’s and it was not fun. Even if he would apologize idk how I would feel about allowing him back in my life. Maybe I’m wrong but it just did not sit well with me. Normally, I would run back and explain to him why I got upset but it seems like he didn’t even care enough to begin with.

I’m not afraid to face life alone anymore. I feel confident for like the first time ever. I hope it’s not like a high that I’m riding before hitting a major rock bottom. I hadn’t really talked about everything and it feels good to get it off my chest finally. ❤️

[Racheezy]

Also, for the people who gave me grounding tips a while ago on here, thank you! They helped me soooo much. I still use them when I start to feel like I’m getting nervous.

[Agora1 in reply to Racheezy]

Racheezy, you've reached that point where everything is coming together.

All the things you went through as well as learned about anxiety are now becoming

a part of the past. Understanding what you were dealing with is a big step forward.

Being self sufficient and in control of your life is an amazing feeling.

Do not allow any doubts or what ifs enter your mind. You've come this far

and nothing is going to stop you now. Congratulations Racheezy. It was your

time to heal xx

[MRawPR]

Rachery I am so happy for you. Even when my family wanted me not to take Xanax, I didn’t stop. My doctor finally understood that giving me antidepressants to treat anxiety was a mistake—at least in my case. He just wanted me not to depend on Xanax. Well I don’t depend on it but I trust that when I’m getting to a point where I can recognize the symptoms of a panic attack I take it and it avoids the blow. He gave ne 1 mg a day as needed but sometimes I wake up like you, anxious with no direction so I take it and my life becomes normal. I also take camomile tea at night to help me sleep. So I know how feeling GOOD is and I congratulate you for not giving up! Life id beautiful even though. We were born to enjoy it by taking a grip on it and giving others a hand when they need it.

Be safe! Hugs M

[Racheezy in reply to MRawPR]

Oh yeah. I was on Lexapro for a whole year. I think I just got scared bc I worked at a hospital so I would see how people would misuse it at times. My doctor didn’t want me to take it either but she gave it to me as precaution incase I would get panic attacks like that. She did give me a small dosage of them but still. I think I was just tired of being on pills. Like, I think I’m going to try a different method of birth control too but no more pills. I couldn’t recognize when I would get panic attacks. They would just happen sometimes more intense than others so for me, I just didn’t know if it was going to be bad. I know they weren’t bad I was just afraid. Hope you’re doing well in all this craziness. Be safe too! ❤️