Hello everyone!
I’ve actually been doing well. I’m enjoying self quarantine. My favorite bands have been dropping music so I’m okay. Most of my day is spent cooking, cleaning, word search and music. Plus, delivery margaritas! It’s been a long emotional journey though and it felt like a good time to share. I stopped taking my Lexapro this year. I haven’t taken it since January.
I had a lot of issues at work in November that triggered me so much. It was horrible. I would wake up with crippling anxiety and would call in sick to work. It would take me hours to calm down & for winter break I did not get out of bed for like two weeks. I thought maybe I need to see my doctor. So I did, she prescribed me some Xanax to take as needed. I have never been on a controlled substance medication at all and I never took it. I did get a dosage increase in my meds. But again, I just didn’t want to take anything anymore I guess.
I had been afraid of taking meds in the first place so idk. I just stopped. I didn’t even think about it. I also stopped taking my birth control. Like, I just didn’t want to be taking pills everyday anymore.
Then I went to a work conference and I started to get anxiety again. I was around tons of strangers in an environment where I had to be super professional. This was not my element. Ya know? So I would get anxiety especially around dinner. For some reason, when I get it, my tummy hurts and I can’t get myself to eat. But like, I just reminded myself that I was okay and that I was strong. & idk things just clicked.
I’ve been able to do the things that I wasn’t able to before. My doctor did tell me that I would feel a good difference after being on Lexapro for a whole year (which I was). I’m not sure if it was the meds that helped or the fact that I started being nicer to myself for a change. Now when I get sad, I don’t spiral or dig myself in a deep, dark hole. I’m focusing on myself more and I think I value myself a lot more too.
Before things were good, they were bad. I cut people out of my life that I knew we’re holding me back before. Like, I had kept in touch with the guy that I fell in love with for the first time ever. He had been around for 10 years. I let him go. I let go of the things people used to say about me and accepted that as part of my past. At first I felt a bit guilty for hurting so many people that I was cutting out but it felt right.
To top things off, someone that I liked/crushed on made a comment about my weight and it hurt bc I was bullied in the past for it. So, when ppl talk about how small I am, it makes me uncomfortable. He poked fun at me for it and it made me so sad. & I realized, I don’t need to deal w that. Like, if he was going to be making me feel bad about my body and poking fun at it then why bother? Maybe that triggered me too but he also hasn’t apologized for it or even reached out to me. I haven’t talked to him and he hasn’t gotten the hint. He compared my body to someone else’s and it was not fun. Even if he would apologize idk how I would feel about allowing him back in my life. Maybe I’m wrong but it just did not sit well with me. Normally, I would run back and explain to him why I got upset but it seems like he didn’t even care enough to begin with.
I’m not afraid to face life alone anymore. I feel confident for like the first time ever. I hope it’s not like a high that I’m riding before hitting a major rock bottom. I hadn’t really talked about everything and it feels good to get it off my chest finally. ❤️