Stuck in a loop: I was in control. I... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Stuck in a loop


I was in control. I had all the power but now I feel like I have taken steps back. My ex reached out to me. How he some has power over me. I vowed to myself I'd never go back. Instantly I found myself in that again. He broke up with his baby mama just to be with me but it doesn't change that he keeps cheating on me with her. It's a pattern. It's keep repeating itself. I'm tired of this. I was happy and now I'm back where I started with the same feelings. Of self hate. Feeling not enough. Insecurity. I know he will hurt me. I know it will hurt. I just don't know if I'll get through it. I feel bound to him. I need to break free.

20 Replies

Hi Dear, thank you for sharing the challenges you are experiencing in your current relationship. I commend your ability to recognize the things that compromise your well being while you're in this situation. What do you think are some tools you can implement to change how you feel about yourself when you are in this relationship; with the exception of leaving him. From what I understand from what you shared you leave him, feel better he finds a way of creeping back in your life and you welcome him because you feel you love him and that's a completely normal reaction when one feels that strongly about a person. But to what end? When do we start valuing ourselves? When is enough is enough? When can we start looking in the mirror and loving ourselves enough to say. "I deserve the best" You are worth more than he is giving you. Clearly, he knows you've allowed this behavior to continue so he continues to treat you with little to no respect. Take control of your life again but this time implement different tools to assist you in keeping away from him and his toxic relationship. Perhaps rediscovering yourself, learning about things you enjoyed to do which perhaps you have forgotten because you've been so wrapped in his web. Could be as simple as reading, getting dolled up or having brunch with your friends. More importantly take that time for yourself and evolving into the grand person you know you are and he has stolen from you. You can lose anything, but the one thing you can't do is lose yourself. You are loved and you need to remember that. Breathe make informed decisions not one under an emotion and put yourself first. Self care isn't selfish, it's learning to love yourself again. Warm regards.

I think you know the answer.....

Dont repeat the same mistakes expecting a different outcome...

You said it your self you felt BETTER...

Plenty of decent people out there.


I had the same thing with the love of my life, but when he cheated On me .I never went back, even when he wanted me back, and to marry me. A cheater is a cheater for life , believe me life will go on, you will find someone that will treat you the way you should be, I did❤️

I to have heard from my ex. We were married 24 years. Divorced 4 years today. Our daughter passed he went down a bad road remarried a not so nice woman. But he reached out. I was there like a fool. He had a mini stroke. I felt like I needed to be there for my kids. Who are grown. His wife should of been. Old feelings came rushing back. And of course he went back to the woman he cheated with during our daughters funeral. I feel so dumb. He’s so not the same man. I know I had to be there. But learned. I was just a fool.

Wow! Sounds like my life except I’m the baby mama. I am too old for the games these men want to play and it’s the same one he plays in a way. I know him though and he always tells the truth eventually. He’s an honest lier let’s say. Thing is I end up back with him because I like monogamy and I feel I can be monogamous with him. Other guys scare me. I’m afraid they will not stay around if I sleep with them and that I’ll find myself being used for sex by many different men. I don’t want to be intimate with many different men so I stay with my ex because I feel good about being with one person. But then I feel bad too because he’s not being with one person and I don’t get what his ex has that I don’t. Her boobs aren’t real, she has no butt, she’s older, and she seems like a ditz. He says he has amazing sex with me, and that he can’t walk away because it’s so good and that he gets mad at himself for getting sucked back in. So then why does he need her?

Why does she get to go to dinner with him and celebrate that she got a car but he couldn’t show up for me when I had our baby? I don’t get it and I just don’t get our relationship at all.

Point to telling you my story is that maybe you’ll feel like you aren’t alone in this weird place.

I feel good when he’s with me btw, I feel miserable when a few weeks go by. I miss the heck out of him and I don’t do well when he isn’t speaking to me much and I haven’t seen him. At one point I was feeling better without him but he was being very mean and I had a guy friend whom was very attractive and doing things with me that I’d been wanting in that relationship and not getting. Not sexual. Just going to dinner, talking to me, being there, going to concerts. Best boyfriend I’ve ever had who wasn’t actually a boyfriend. And I felt great without my ex, but then he came back and all I can say is that I find myself very depressed overall. We have great moments and I am hoping for more great moments to become more often someday. That’s how the depression will go away. Either that or I find someone else. Being alone doesn’t work. I’ve been without him 3 months now. I’m sad. It isn’t getting easier.

Is this similar to your story?

Destiny8277 in reply to Icare4u

It is. He calls. I say come back. Then after a few days he leaves. He says he knows he messed up. Wants us back. But always goes back. She’s mentally and physically abusive to him. Down right crazy. I’m his support he says. Well I’m tired of being used. The sec thing. I feel the same. I’m used to him. Can feel comfortable in my own skin. But I can’t let this go on. So I said 2 weeks ago. Done. Can’t do it. Not fair to me. You made your bed. Lay in it. Yes it is hard. Yes I miss the old him. But had to do it. Today is 4 years our divorce final. I hate when he says he is sorry he loves me he will fix it. He wants it all back. Then off he goes to crazy. I’m so dumb!!! I wish I could shut my heart off.

Icare4u in reply to Destiny8277

Awe! I totally get it. I think these men do love us, but they have no clue about commitment.

Destiny8277 in reply to Icare4u

I think he cares. But I need to stop ! It’s literally putting me back in deep depression. My kids have told him stop! She is going backwards to deep depression. It is true. It’s just someone I spent half my life with. Familiar. I’ve not dated because I’m scared to get hurt. But what is he doing. I just need to stop it. And I have not talked to him

For 2 weeks. I did say this isn’t good for me. It’s just hard. I don’t know why I can’t just not care.

I hear you and understand your angst. When I have felt this way, I think the underlying issue is that good old thought, what if there is no one better, what if nothing is better than the good that I had? However, some advice I had last year that I actually took was cut out the cancer. I have not looked back (well, I've of course done the Google and social media searches and I think after going back into a deep depression last week over the results, I'll stop that behavior for a looooong time. not worth it) and have not contacted and I don't think he has tried to contact me (He did early on, through someone else, about some nonsense that made no sense at all.... so I ignored it).

Cut out the cancer. (interestingly, I not only cut out my ex, but the person who gave me the advice and many other "friends"). If you know the burner is hot, don't touch it. Leave it alone. And one last thing, if you decide to give it another try, that's okay, too. We have all done that, and anyone who tries to state otherwise is lying to you. Good luck and have a wonderful day.

I agree. I said two weeks ago I can’t do this anymore. I’m going backwards. More depression. It’s hard. But it has to be done. I just need to get out of the bed. Stop sleeping so much. I feel so alone. I just need to get back to where I was before he tried to come back.

You are certainly not the only one feeling alone right now.

Any time between 2 and 5 pm I have a nice cry... I don't know how long I can be alone in my house for. I just don't know. I guess I'll clean and cook again.......

I got a dog. That way I have to get up and go outside awhile. I cry at night. I think I’m so screwed up because he says he loves me. But always runs back to her. She is mentally and physically abusive to him. He’s not the man I married long ago. He admits it’s a toxic relationship. That’s why he got ahold of me. But I feel used. I say to him, only he will know when enough is enough. I do think he knows he messed up big time cheating and he knows how bad he destroyed our family. He recently had a mini stroke. His own wife would not stay more than 15 min at the hospital and didn’t even pick him up when he was released. Why do I feel bad for him. Why??? He married her. My therapist says my heart is huge. Well I wish it wasn’t. I’m sticking to no more talking or see him. It’s been hard. I’ve done it for 4 years. So I know I can do it. Love is so hard and it shouldn’t be. I just want to feel normal. No sadness.

That is wonderful, that you now have a dog. What kind? Sadness IS a part of being "normal" (I'm not sure what that is after the last few weeks, to be honest). How does he get ahold of you if it's been four years of no talking or seeing him? He got ahold of you because he knows he has a hook in you; it has absolutely nothing to do with his "toxic" relationship. What is writing about it, knowing about his "toxic" relationship, and him saying that he loves you--what does it do for YOU and how you feel about yourself? In the past--and sometimes these days, I've had to think what am I doing to hold onto the past relationship? The "love".. you know, if people love you and they know that what they're doing is hurting you, and they do it repeatedly over years, they have deep problems and you need to stay away from them.

You feel bad for him, not because of the size of your heart, but because you are human. What do you want to do in your life, in the next year, in the next five years? What do you want to see, experience, make, etc? And what in the world does it have to do with him? If nothing, start a plan to do those things in your life. I can't promise you'll never think of him, or that instantly you'll get over him. Maybe you will. Most days, even though my hurt is deep and achy, it tend not to dwell on my most recent ex. Instead I focus on some patterns and how I might be repeating them in the people who I am "dating" or "getting to know" or .. really, just texting because we aren't supposed to do anything else......

At a certain point, you will realize that he is responsible for being in his "toxic" relationship, and you are responsible for the choices that you make and then decide what things you want to do going forward. Our Thoughts Create Our Emotions, Our Emotions Create Our Behavior. I can recommend: You Are What You Think by David Stoop as a place to start to change.. I read it last year and then gave it to a friend. Choose your words carefully. Stay healthy.

I got a Alaskan malamute. I had one for 11 years. He passed. So my new one keeps me busy. Which is good. We divorced and when he got with this woman he changed. Well changed when our daughter passed. Went down a bad road. I just never talked to him since the divorce. Last October 5 days after what would of been our 27 year anniversary. He called our son crying and drunk. He never drank. Wanting to see me. That’s when he said he messed up. He was sorry. And told me about his last 4 years of his crazy wife. And for 5 months he’s been talking to me on and off. Like I said after his mini stroke I did let him stay here a week. But sent him home. Said be with your wife. I can’t do this. I know it’s not fair to me. I have stood strong for two weeks now. Blocked him. So he can’t get ahold of me. No social

Media. Shut it off. It is hard. I want to believe him. But I don’t. He’s just a mess in his head. I can’t help him. As much as I think I can. I know I can’t.

What about you and your head? this reminds me of someone I was texting with and she kept complaining about this guy .. on and on.. and on.. and how he had confessed his love at first sight for her... and how she was creeped out, she had deleted him from FB, etc., told him off. Then she said she "accidentally" accepted his FB friend request and she kept sending me things that he had posted and how she didn't know why he was doing it. And he kept liking her posts and how creepy it was. I would try to redirect the conversation. I asked her what her husband thought about it. She said he didn't know. Now, she said she was creeped out by a person, who attends some of the same events we do (and did attend while she was telling me all of this stuff), and thinks she's being bothered by someone (who she refused to delete and block) but she never told her husband. Why tell me? What is the purpose? Only after WEEKS of me not responding to her texts about him did she ever ask me how I was doing. Then when I responded, she started talking about him again. Why? I wonder. I stopped wondering. I stopped responding. She will every two weeks ask me how I'm doing but I know now it's all so she can dump back on me. So ask yourself, what is talking about him, his head, his drinking, his "toxic" relationship, what is it doing for you? And what is it doing to the relationships that you have or could have with other people? What is it saying about you? Is it filling a void? Is it re-establishing thought patterns that you have for yourself and your worth and your interactions with people? Do you want a real healthy relationship with someone? Where they love and respect you and treat you well? Do you? If so, what is the focus on him doing for that?

Alaska malamutes are beautiful and loyal dogs. Enjoy that dog immensely!

Your so right!!! I need to focus on me!! I would like to some day meet a genuine nice guy. If any out there. But I need to focus on me!!! Your very wise and helpful. Thank you!!!

Now is a great time to let him know that you are social distancing. This crazy time has given you a solid reason not to see him. By going back and forth between houses he is risking your life, the other woman's life, and the child. Another reason he is just not good enough for you or this other woman, is your health is not top of his mind. He needs to be at his home address and stay there. If you need to cough a few times on the phone to drive the point home do it, it is to save your physical and mental health. You feel good without him, so give yourself that gift. Let the social isolation that we are all dealing with heal you. Light your candles, draw a bath, and stretch out in a space that is all yours.

Destiny8277 in reply to Vinniet

You are right!! I did tell him 2 weeks ago no more talking or coming here. It’s been hard. I’ve blocked him on everything. I just have to get back to where I was. This depression I was going good on controlling till he came back in the picture.

You got this! You know he isn't right and that you are better off. If he won't respect your space and you start feeling threatened call the police please.eAs well we have a $1000 fine where I live for quarantine violaters. Might give him more reason to leave you alone.

Vinniet in reply to Vinniet

Is the depression mostly about him or how you feel in isolation? Find all the beautiful things you can do to self love and call your therapist and talk it out. Hope you can get some help, lots of therapist are doing skype or phone (definitely not zoom though).

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