TRIGGER WARNING

[Starrlight]

On the way home from vacation last night I was suicidal. Not to the degree that I had to react to the urge and the dark way of thinking so much that I’d go through with my plans. But to the degree that I had a plan and was picturing how I’d do it to the details. I’m so sad. Today I am happy with myself for accomplishing a lot but I’m still suicidal. 😞 my mind. won’t stop. I come home to more of my sunflowers and I love my flowers but they make me sad because I am just still inside very sad something I may never get over. Everything beautiful though I love it makes me sad. You live this way of can’t believing I got through the day to another and another. I don’t know sometimes if I’ll one day give up when I’m not having the logic needed. This whole thing me planning is just crazy and I cannot seem to stop it. My kids are saving me. I know a few on here have been through it and it’s so hard to explain unless you’ve had it happen to you. It is scary as hell, yes? Sometimes not scary at all and that’s scary too. I feel like I m begging God to help and I am here waiting. I can’t wait I need for there to be help ... I just came home from crisis center a few days after went on my vacation just got back... tiiiiiiired of doc’s and meds ! No more. I am so sad. I keep crying everyday over nothing and everything. Thanks people my loves thank you it helps to be heard!

[Hidden]

I am in the same exact boat...

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Wow really? So sorry. We can lean on each other knowing there won’t be judging.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Sounds good.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

So what do you think right now is most helpful for you? So do you have only few moments when you are good or are you feeling mostly good with rough patches?

For me right now I’m struggling each moment. For me I am focusing on one moment only no expectations and it’s deep breathing. Outside of my mind I am having good focus on my kids and also needed alone time like a good balance of everything life throws.

[Sillysausage234]

Thanks for the picture star 🙂cheered me up

[Starrlight in reply to Sillysausage234]

Good I am glad it made you feel cheered up. Was something getting ya down?

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Starrlight]

Oh struggling physically hence mentally think it’s passed for now thank you ..totally agree with faux 👇☀️🌟the ideation thing I find I go over things in my mind as at the time things seem...desperate with no way out ideation gives me options 🤔the planning stuff and that is scary as your left with guilt afterwards...hope today has lots of sunflowers 🌻 well wishes star any more art work to show us?

[Starrlight in reply to Sillysausage234]

I’m glad you’re feeling better. ((((((((Healing Star hugs ⭐️ ))))))))))))) I haven’t created art in a long time except photography. Yeah I hear what you and Faux are saying. Options when the mind is too full. It’s hard to keep up and then it’s all over just like that, life is. I try to live as if this is the last of it...and I wish it all the time... life is so short but the illness makes life seem undoable for even another moment at times. But then here we are going and doing. Hope you will be doing something nice for yourself today Silly 🙃

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you for the healing star hugs 🤗💫hope you find some more good photos today ...soccer later for me so I’ll be shouting at the telly and having panic attacks 😊🌻

[Starrlight in reply to Sillysausage234]

😂 have fun with that!!! I used to play soccer it’s an awesome sport.

[Hidden]

Your kids, use that as motivation Starr, I’m not in a good place but the S word haven’t even crossed my mind, I know exactly the struggle you’re going through sweetie and sometimes it’s impossible to take it day by day but you got people who loves you here and your babies who wouldn’t be able to handle a world without you so hang on to that

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I know so true Danielle, love ❤️ to you... my babies are most important and my loves, my everything ... that’s why when I get these things happening it doesn’t match up you know and it makes me feel guilt. I’ll have to stay for them no entertaining of suicide but on the other hand when I get these large episodes of chaos overwhelm and darkness it grip so hard I fall away a bit... keep trying right?

[hypercat54]

Star my friend am sending you some big fat hugs xxx

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

😮 thank you!!! I love the fat kind hahaha! Backatchya!

[hypercat54 in reply to Starrlight]

You are welcome. Here are some more for you [[[[[[[[[[[[[Star]]]]]]]]]]]]] xx

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks beautiful it’s good to know you are around and on my side. Here 💐 happy unbirthday to you!

[hypercat54 in reply to Starrlight]

Bless you. xx

[Nom-D-Ploom]

I'm so sorry.

[Starrlight in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

((((((((((Nom-D-Ploom))))))))) great big hug

[Goldilocks11]

Oh I'm worried about you and think you should go to your Dr immediately. Ask for low dose of valium, e.g. 2mg and change your antidepressant if you're on one.

Treat yourself to a candle lit bath and play your favourite music.

Take care of yourself and remember the good times.

Xxx

[Starrlight in reply to Goldilocks11]

My doc recently prescribed a med for ocd but I never started taking them. My doc won’t give me Valium or any benzo. Thanks I think I will take extra care today and look through some recent photos. I love printing them out and I will give some to my mother in law.

Thanks are you are well Goldilocks?

[fauxartist]

do you think possibly that your also experiencing suicial ideation.....it's a constant thinking about suicide, it's kind of a rumination......part of depression for some. I am sorry your going through this, it sounds like your really struggling to stay afloat and not coming out of it. I know the down side of this disease can sometimes bring us there...and we don't see a way out when we are there....but eventually we pull out again till the next wave hits....are you ever on the up side.....if not .....I would really get some help as soon as possible. Hang in there pal....you have lots of support here as well.

[Starrlight in reply to fauxartist]

Rumination yeah maybe but mostly it’s a deep dark depression that sets in with racing layering thoughts that pressure me all the time. I do get on the upside sometimes when it lifts and goes to hypomania typically just not without a certain restlessness and anxiety it’s hard to find peace it’s either I am depressed or manic or both but with no peace. I am so grateful I have a ton of energy and motivation to get things done and it’s thanks to my kids.

How are you Faux? ❤️

[fauxartist in reply to Starrlight]

I'm doing okay lately my friend...but I am concerned for you.....Star....I don't know if you have mentioned any meds your on....I know my SSRI does smooth out the highs and lows....I still have them....but not as severe.... I know a lot of people don't want to take them, I don't know why if they help you they wouldn't, but that's a personal choice. I know some are resistant. Antidepressents 25 years ago when I first tried them, they were not as advanced as they are today, and finally they work for me pretty well. Is your diagnosis depression or something else that meds may help with the highs and lows.

[Starrlight in reply to fauxartist]

I’m glad you are okay lately. 🤗

I’d been trying out a bunch of meds including antidepressants but nothing seems to help without hurting more and I am done with trying more right now. I’m just so exhausted inside I feel like I can’t put myself through yet another med change for a while.

[fauxartist in reply to Starrlight]

I really do understand that Star.....I have been trying for 25 years to find one that actually does work, and there are no magic pills....I still have the ebbs and flows emotionally. I did try CBD oil and it did help.....there is no high, no THC in it....but you do need to look for a 5-10% purity, Hemp oil does not work, only the pure CBD. Other than that....being an herbalist....I can tell you most of everything natural takes weeks to build up in your system, and it's usually very mild.

Hopefully some day someone will figure out how to reprogram our brains to produce our own natural chemicals at the proper levels. I live in hope.

[Starrlight in reply to fauxartist]

(((((((Faux))))))) life is a blast until it isn’t ya know and it just seems to switch for no reason. I actually take hemp extract with low thc I’ve tried several types of cbd and I like what I’m taking now. It can bring some relief.

Me too, hoping. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ have the most beautiful moments I wish for you.

[fauxartist in reply to Starrlight]

thank you Star.....back at ya pal...I'm gonna sign off and get my next painting started today,....that's my sanity therapy on a daily basis.....as art for me is my positive re-enforcement.... I know you have done some work as well from your past posts, maybe it's not a bad idea to make a little time and space again for yourself kiddo.

[Starrlight in reply to fauxartist]

Beautiful painting time I wish for you.

[Hidden]

🌻 did you had a goodnight sleep, how are you feeling today

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I’m struggling

[Starrlight]

Hi!!! Glad u r doing well. I’m struggling but I have hope now that I’ve started a new med.