Stress In relationship: Are my boyfriend’s issues normal/ healthy or no?

[Needcakegirl]

We’ve been seeing each other/together almost a year now. Started out as friends. I did not intend for it to go further than just platonic. One of his friends was actually hitting on me at the same time he was but he(my boyfriend) kind of stood back and was less aggressive and I liked that. I was attracted to him for a few more reasons. He seemed pretty down to earth, our conversations could go all night about anything under the sun.

Shortly, after I finally agreed to go out with him I noticed:

•he wanted to be on the phone with me ALL the time. Many times we’d be silent for long periods of time or he’d still be at work or I’d be at work and he would insist on just having me on the phone. I’m not a phone/talker person. I talk a lot for my job and in my private life I prefer texting on the phone and talking in person. I told him that and he pulled back a bit once or twice but still insists. I love that he enjoys contact but what’s the point of having me on the phone if he’s busy working or I’m trying to take a shower(yes!) or if we’re both dog tired from working? I’ve adapted a bit but I have to almost abruptly end our phone time sometimes just so that I can have some “me” time/silent time.

• he has a temper which often goes from 0-100 and his response is often not equal to /reasonable for the issue he gets upset about. His mom has even told me how she doesn’t like the way his temper is even with her and his son. She also told me how jealous he gets of me when he sees me or hears me talking to a male that I may know. He acts like it’s no big deal so why does bring stuff up later or make comments like the truth will always come out or he doesn’t know what I could be up to while he’s working and I’m not... Hu?

•he acts confident and as if things aren’t a big deal at first but blows up at a later time or brings up things that I never thought bothered him.

If he wanted to know so badly what I was doing when I’m not on the phone with him, why wouldn’t he just come out and ask? Or does he already know , meaning has he possibly gone through my phone? I have had an ex or two contact me but I have not been responsive and let them know I was now dating someone. I sometimes get a feeling that he just has all these ideas in his head and blows up at random times.

•••Are men just typically like this or is this a relationship that may cause me more stress than not?•••

Thanks for feedback.

[All_alone]

Hi. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me time. We all need it at some point. While I was reading your post a number of red flags popped up for me but it is not my relationship. Only you know how you feel and to me if you are asking this question here you may already have the answer. Remember you are worthy of love, respect and kindness. Good luck.

[Needcakegirl in reply to All_alone]

Thanks. You’re right . Several red flags. I guess I’m just trying to process things in terms of leaving or not and if so when.

[All_alone in reply to Needcakegirl]

Your welcome. Life is too short to not have a wonderful partner.

[Bobbi6 in reply to Needcakegirl]

Run! Run fast, run now. You just described my last long term relationship that nearly destroyed my mental state. Your boyfriend is controlling you and keeping you from cheating. So he thinks. His issues not yours.

[Needcakegirl in reply to Bobbi6]

Thanks Bobbi for the reply.

Do expound on how your similar situation almost destroyed your mental state? I’m not being facetious, I’m sincerely looking for DETAILED insight because right now I’m feeling like crap... even though breaking up with him(which I just did a few days ago) was me standing up for myself, in my eyes.

[Needcakegirl in reply to Bobbi6]

He day before I broke up with him he asked me if I would tell him if I cheated on him... that was something he’s never asked me before. It kinda threw me off.

So you do have a point about perhaps he’s been trying to prevent me from cheating. Although, he doesn’t know what I’m doing 24-7 so if I really wanted to doesn’t he know that I could and he’d never know?

Nevertheless, please share more of your experience. Thanks.

[Bobbi6 in reply to Needcakegirl]

His insecurities make him think you’ll cheat he may even be the cheating type so assume you will too. At any rate he’s controlling you which get very dangerous. When this happened to me it started out like infatuation. Then long phone calls for hours. Then he taped me messages that he insist I listen to when I was away from him. All things to occupy my time the ways he wanted. Eventually I threw caution to the wind and we got married anyway. He called every day from work, at this time he was having an affair. I didn’t know for a year. He wanted to know where I went, with who and what was said. Then he started telling me who I could and couldn’t go places with even my mom. He didn’t want anyone to poison my mind against him he’d say. Later he got very abusive mentally and physically. I was so controlled I no longer knew who to trust. I’m finally long gone from that relationship. It nearly killed me. Breaking it off was really hard even with how he treated me. I kept blaming myself. I see so many similarities in how you treated it haunts me. I wish you the best no matter what. Trust and communication are so important. Also if he already has a temper and can’t treat his mom right, What makes you think you’ll be any different.

[Needcakegirl in reply to Bobbi6]

Oh wow... that’s intense. I admire you for leaving and being well now after all that.

To clarify, he treats his mom fine on a day to day basis.. the thing is when there are stressful situations or when she is overbearing which she can be, that’s when I’ve heard him be rude (in my eyes). Stress(last minute issues) seems to bring out the worst in him. Thing is his family depends on him for a lot many regards so I can understand the pressure but I told him several times that I was starting to lose RESPECT for him simply because of that.

I’d hope he wasn’t cheating being how we were together all the time , but I guess people find the time do what they want if they want. At this point it’s neither here or there... I wish him the best but I’m still in pain.

[Bobbi6 in reply to Needcakegirl]

I’m sorry for your pain. Breakups hurt. I believe you’ll be better off. Please take care of yourself and hold your standards high.

[luthien]

Aww, it's a difficult one, as it's your relationship and only you know what feels okay.

In summary you need you time and that's fine. There are some people out there whom just want to feel in control, it's not about actually knowing or being interested in what you're doing but just the idea that you'd only every "report" to them. I've not experienced this directly in a relationship but have seen it in a friend whom I thought was really friendly, only to find out that wasn't the case at all, it was all about him. It's a type of behaviour; narcissism, I'm not saying this is your boyfriend, but there are ways you can cope and take his default approach away, so it avoids conflict and anger from him. I had to see a counsellor to work through my issues and figure out that type of friend I had.

In summary people don't change but we can change our actions and responses.

Answering your last question; it's not just men like this, women are like this too, I think it's just that with the pressures of society on men - matcho and ego stuff it's more acceptable for men to be that way, which isn't right, we should be equal on everything.

I hope you find a happy medium, but don't forget to always keep you as you, never lose your values and don't give in, keep hold of that thought that it could all not end well and you may need to leave if that type of relationship is toxic and no good for your mental health.

Remember even in a relationship we are still our own person; we are adults and can talk to others no matter what their gender, it's our lives and even when married we have our own separate groups of friends / interests etc, that's where trust comes into it; we learn to trust each other that we'll be honest and stay true to each other - coming from myself in a relationship

Hope you figure out what works for you. Maybe a trial period apart? To discover yourself. Difficult to do in the current climate, I know

[Needcakegirl in reply to luthien]

Thanks a lot for your reply. You’re absolutely right. The behavior isn’t ok for men either. As the other poster mentioned my bf does have some insecurities... he’s told me that he has some self esteem issues. I guess he expected me to give him a pass because of that but I won’t! I will say that his height is one thing that I’m sure is one of the issues. He’s much shorter than me. I feel like he tries compensating for it in the wrong way sometimes. He has other insecurities that we don’t get into often but I know they exist. It’s no excuse but I’m just mentioning it to give some reference.

I don’t know exactly what or when I’ll decide what I’m going to do but I know that I’m so tired of hearing him apologizing and I’ve told him. I’ve become cold at times and it’s a waste of energy because I don’t want to be that way.

Anyhoo, I’ll make a decision sooner than later. Thanks for your feedback.

[hypercat54]

Hi I got some serious red flags too. Control, jealousy, temper. I also picked up insecurity on his part. To be honest if a man behaved like this with me I would be out that door so fast you wouldn't see me for dust! It won't get any better, only worse and don't make the mistake of thinking you can change him coz you can't. x

[Needcakegirl in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks ... very true about not changing and I’m aware . This is the main reason I’m feeling a bit down because ultimately I’m sure I will leave.

I’ve been in a situation like this before and I left him. I let people show them true selves until I see that it’s a real character trait that won’t change and one that I know I can’t /won’t deal with (for my own sanity).

He knows how I feel about his temper because I have finally started talking back to him (in front of other people) which I hate to have to do but I will not be silenced. I always speak up for myself but it’s gotten to the point where I’ve had to defend other younger people in his family who don’t speak up for themselves. It saddens me during this time especially, that a breakup is something in my scope. I dread starting over ... this is a trigger for my anxiety and depression... but I think I’d feel worse if I just accepted things the way they are and end up REALLY going insane.

Thanks again

[san_ray70 in reply to Needcakegirl]

My ex. was very possessive and I stayed for 15 years, when I left he stalked me for another 8 years. I met a man and married him, this guy found our address and sent photo's my husband tore them up. I took this man to court and he was warned about leaving me alone, so far he has.

[Needcakegirl in reply to san_ray70]

Wow... did your ex have mental health issues to your knowledge? Good you moved on to a more healthy relationship.

Thanks for your response. Not sure if I’m coming or going right now. I just recently broke up with him...

[Needcakegirl in reply to hypercat54]

And yes @him having serious insecurities . We all have some. But he’s told me one or two of them.

Thing that concerns me most is that he gets frustrated over the smallest things. And he acts as if certain things are no big deal but later blows up.

Then to top it all off, he doesn’t realize it but some mornings he’ll wake up before me and watch me sleep for a minute or so rubbing my face or hair in adoration maybe. I hope it’s not about some deep angry thoughts...😳

[hypercat54 in reply to Needcakegirl]

It sounds like he does really love you, but the question is if the way he shows his love is acceptable to you or not. x

[hypercat54]

You sound really sensible so I am sure you will do what's best for you. x

[Chocochic20]

Similar to another poster, you have to decide how you want love to be shown to you by him. It’s evident that he has strong feelings/love for you. As for it being healthy, it’s kind of relative... some people like an aggressive partner while others prefer being dominant.

If you want to stay see if he’s serious about possibly getting counseling. This isn’t even about you, it’s about him getting help independently of the relationship first then perhaps you both can unpack some of the information.

Lastly, if you feel anxious and stressed when you’re with him that’s not ok... nothing is perfect but if you feel bullied or anxious all the time, that’s definitely not worth sticking around.

*at least you do speak up for yourself though. That’s a great thing... I’d just be careful to make sure things don’t get physical or verbally worse. Neither are ok you just have to decide what you’re willing to accept.

Peace

[Needcakegirl in reply to Chocochic20]

Yep... thanks for the response.

He knows how his behavior affects others and he’s embarrassed by it each time he’s done with a rant or overreaction.

It’s like , the more distant I am after an issue ... the more mild he becomes. It’s a cycle.

[Needcakegirl]

Update: i just broke up w/him and I’m unable to focus. Mixed emotions and I’m kinda down today. I feel like he may be more depressed than he already was since I’ve tried breaking up. This was my 3rd attempt to break up. Previously he acted as if he didn’t hear or realize the fact that I was trying to breakup. The difference now is that I haven’t been communicating with him. He made contact he morning after saying good morning as usual and I replied reminding him that this is it... I wasn’t angry. I told him I’d miss him but this was best. He went on saying I didn’t know how much he loves me & he can’t believe the breakup was happening . He admitted to needing help/therapy and he does for a few reasons.

Nevertheless, I miss him. Is that crazy? We would talk everyday ,several times a day. I don’t know what to do so I’ve just been in a zone trying to distract myself with stuff... as if the current state of our world isn’t enough... smh.

Feedback is appreciated... thanks

[Chocochic20 in reply to Needcakegirl]

Hope you’re coping ok . A breakup is merely that. If it’s meant for you both to reconcile then so be it and it should be organic, yet careful.

You felt the need to let him go for a reason, so don’t second guess yourself. If he reaches out it’s up to you how and if you respond. However, it may be good to keep a slight distance for a while to allow your head to be clear and to allow things to manifest that may have not, otherwise.

Be well and take care of your heart, mind and body.

[Hidden]

Hi I read your post and the one that you have broken up. Firstly, I’m sorry you broke up it’s never nice ending a relationship no matter if you knew they were not right for you. You are not crazy at all to miss him, that’s so natural. From your main post it sounds like he was very insecure with himself and quite possessive. I’ve had a couple of relationships like this and they never end well. Well done for taking the courage to end things. He needs help with his insecurities from a health professional. You can’t help him with this and it’s not your responsibility. It might be really difficult but I would suggest blocking him on all forms, phone number and all social media because you might be tempted to get back together if he makes you feel bad for breaking things off. You said this is your 3rd attempt at breaking up, I think you have to be firm and block him. I know it might seem harsh but it’s healthy for you and him. You have to look out for yourself and care about you and your needs. You may feel guilty but you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are welcome to message me anytime. Take care x

[Needcakegirl in reply to Hidden]

Star-brightxx your reply is very much appreciated. You’re very perceptive and I’m sorry you had to go through something similar to this as well... You’re right though, I have to be mindful to NOT feel guilty. My guilt comes from 2 places. On one hand I hope he doesn’t do anything to harm himself because he holds lots of his emotions in. As I mentioned earlier. He’s actually very giving of himself. However, the least little thing can set him off and make him lash out . Ive told him that he needs help several times and he’s taken some steps to find counseling services. My mind tells me his anger is displaced based on him bringing up issues far after he’s lashed out randomly and after they actually happened .On the other hand I feel guilty for not being more firm about breaking up, a long time ago. I don’t have a problem speaking up for myself and I’ve had to cuss him out a time or two because I’m fed up. I feel better about myself when I “stand up” for myself by being FIRM. He really needs help not just for our relationship but for his interactions with his family. I’ve witness his blow ups with them as well and I had to intervene. At this point I’m tired and drained.

Sorry this is so long. But my emotions are clearly mixed and I just want my pain to stop. I don’t like feeling this way. I’m already on an antidepressant from years ago but I’m still feeling pretty down .

[Bobbi6]

His insecurities make him think you’ll cheat he may even be the cheating type so assume you will too. At any rate he’s controlling you which get very dangerous. When this happened to me it started out like infatuation. Then long phone calls for hours. Then he taped me messages that he insist I listen to when I was away from him. All things to occupy my time the ways he wanted. Eventually I threw caution to the wind and we got married anyway. He called every day from work, at this time he was having an affair. I didn’t know for a year. He wanted to know where I went, with who and what was said. Then he started telling me who I could and couldn’t go places with even my mom. He didn’t want anyone to poison my mind against him he’d say. Later he got very abusive mentally and physically. I was so controlled I no longer knew who to trust. I’m finally long gone from that relationship. It nearly killed me. Breaking it off was really hard even with how he treated me. I kept blaming myself. I see so many similarities in how you treated it haunts me. I wish you the best no matter what. Trust and communication are so important. Also if he already has a temper and can’t treat his mom right, What makes you think you’ll be any different.