Just one more for the road.

[Selador]

i have begun to cross into dangerous territory. And this forum does not help. My inability to connect with others directly hampers all attempts i've made to bring myself closer to the light. And so i find myself in a void where i want to choose to heap it all unto the world.

i will delete my profile within the next 24 hours.

By doing so i will let go of one more anchor to the corporeal world, not that it means very much.

This community is for people who are not like myself.

Yes i am in pain. And this pain i have makes life unbearable, so that i wish for death. i just need a bit more courage to pull the blade one last time.

But the thing that distances me from perhaps everyone else is this fault i have with me, where i cannot feel the connection between myself and others.

if you read this, know that i tried. i failed. thats ok. sometimes we fail. we're supposed to find something to help us get back up again and carry on. But isn't depression the inability to find that thing that allows one to get back up?

over that last several years i have been getting worse. the scars are accumulating. and i have concluded that by trying to connect with others, a strategy that should help with this, i just end up with less wherewithal for myself in these darkest of times.

i won't leave you with hope. i expect this post to fade.

and all the troubles of this beautiful world, and all the pain we heap, and all the misery we share does not matter.

it just does not matter.

time moves on

the earth still revolves around the sun.

and this pale blue dot is no more significant than anything else in this o wide world.

i have stopped overestimating the value of life, and you, you should too.

[Corchi]

Do you have someone you can speak to who is a professional in this field? Perhaps you feel worse connecting with everyday people because they can not feel your pain? A professional would!

[blackcat64013]

Hi Selador, When will the pain end? That is the biggest question of all that no-one else except you can answer. We forum members cannot fix the ailments but can lend an ear in times of need and encourage you to call a local helpline for up to date advice. Our members are from various countries so we are here for you 24/7. We can give each other a BIG e-hug at any time. I am sending mine 💚 from Australia tonight

[Selador in reply to blackcat64013]

i don't care for your words. They are like smoke soon to fade away.

i am not so naïve to believe that my ailments can be fixed by a few posts, replies, and e-hugs.

this platform is like a trick. one that muddles actual connection with a virtual one.

so i am leaving. i will trudge on.

Because the truth is i don't believe i want the pain to end.

and whatever it is i do with this life that's left of mine, there is not a thing you can do about it.

[blackcat64013 in reply to Selador]

I am not trying to prove anything to you. I just wanted to let you know there are 2 people, Corchi and me, in the world who sincerely cares about everyone else. There are others in the forum who have not yet replied! If you truly cannot find anything good in the world you are entitled to an opinion and do what you like. I will be respect your choice. I may not understand but that's 👌

[Hidden in reply to Selador]

I’ve read your threads you’ve posted here. You’re a very deep thinker, articulate writer.

I won’t blow smoke screens, I won’t display some sort of virtual trickery. Bottomline, this is a written online platform with whom genuine people share very private thoughts and details of their lives in order to get support and provide support. This platform either can help or not. You are free to express yourself to the extent you are willing.

In closing, I won’t give advice as that is not what is being requested. Using your words...Trudge on, continue down the paths you choose, as life is about choices. Choices we make could lead to solutions and answers or choices we make can keep us stopped in our tracks. Wishing the best out come for you (this isn’t trickery, a genuine sentiment).

[Hidden]

I have felt that way, kind of cynical about this site. In fact, I even sent a reply to a member's post which was soliciting friends, saying, essentially: why bother ? These aren't real friendships.

Part of my response was influenced by depression, of course; but part of it was I felt left out and wanted in on the community but felt like I was on the outside.

Maybe you will stop coming here, but if you don't delete your account, drop back in sometime, anytime.

(Actually, even if you delete your account you can return )

[Hidden]

Selador

What are your expectations in life, you are very low and that needs to be addressed by Mental Care. I went through something similar when younger where I felt life was a chore and life had nothing to offer me, I became angry and even more depressed I went through a time of attempting suicide, all I know I was brought back by a very tired Doctor in Accident and Emergency. I went through extensive treatment, However I feel you will be surprised the attitude of those who looked after me after the attempt.

Depression and Anxiety dependent on cause can be angry like you are now, we cannot do anything to say our help you. Sad to say there is no access to your feeling because you are so unhappy you have closed all access where people can talk to you. So believe me when I say sorry I know why you feel the way you do. You are spitting out sadness and you need to control that and move on

Talk to your GP you need to spit out your concerns and be able to heal in your own way, you are not alone here however you need to calm and listen to people who wish to help.

BOB