Low self confidence? Help

[luthien]

I'm not sure if this is a way that our anxiety plays out, if anyone can relate let me know, and how you cope.

So all my life I've been the organised one, wanting to know what's being done and when, I've lived on my own for a time - after uni so I've learnt to incorporate that into what I do. It's not obsessive, I am happy to be flexible, spontaneous, just do random stuff, but if I plan to do something like housework I'll set myself a day / time and just do it.

I've been in a relationship for years and we're married, all good, all happy Everything's great. I've learnt to share control; we'll do stuff together, and it's okay if I've planned to do something but don't feel like it, we don't get annoyed about those things. Lately though I feel like what I do doesn't get noticed even though I'm sure my hubby does notice. It'll be silly things like I've made the bed or taken the clothes off the clothes drier. So I get mixed feelings of: maybe he doesn't notice, maybe he doesn't care, maybe I'm expected to do those things. Because he doesn't say thanks, even though when I get upset he says "of course he notices and is grateful" but I don't know because he doesn't just say it and I can't mind read! Am I looking for thanks and expecting it, I'm worried I'm looking outwardly for other's appreciation and acceptance.

Like for example he'll say I'll do the vacuum soon" I used to ask when and keep asking him, so I don't anymore, it's part of my let him have some control, so sometime is whenever he's ready. But he doesn't mention it again, and I don't want to ask, also I know I don't want to just do the vacuum because he said he would. But it's always there and I'm always thinking: has he forgotten, maybe he doesn't care, maybe he's waiting for me.

See? What do I do? I know it's a me thing, how do I change the million thoughts I have in one go? It's stressing me out, upsetting me and causing my panic attacks to come back (which I've not had for over 10 years). I just want us to be happy and me to not worry about what he's thinking / feeling; I know he cares and loves me and we do talk. I feel like it's an "I need approval / acceptance", I feel like I'm lacking in self confidence.

[Hidden]

This doesn’t sound like anxiety, sounds like normal day to day married life and learning to grow together.

So what I’m seeing (I’m an experienced wife of 23 years) Is that our husbands need to do things on their own terms and timing. Nagging never works, causes resentment.

For example, If he folds towels different than you, let him. I adjusted to his ways of folding, that worked better than arguing over how to fold towels. I think you should feel quite lucky yours helps with vacuuming and any other things he does to help around the house.

As far as needing constant feedback on the little things like making the bed, cleaning up clutter does seem you need extra acceptance/approval. Ask yourself where is this constant need coming from? Are you trying to control, looking for perfection? Is he neglecting you in any way? Talk to him if he is. Can you work on being more flexible?

He cares, notices, soI leave you with this, our husbands are not going to thank us every time we launder their clothes, pick up after him or even cook a nice a meal. If he eats what we cook, he enjoyed it. You’ll work through it. 🌺

[luthien in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your help / advice

Yeah I need to adapt to his more relaxed style and just chill a little; we'll come home and chat about work, then he'd like a cuddle while we watch tv but my mind is racing over all the things we still need to do before work the next day including all the everyday stuff, whereas he just relaxes enjoys our time together and worries about that after. I need to learn to switch off like that.

The constant feedback; I'm not sure I think it stems from feeling like I'm just supposed to do all these things and never be noticed; my parents relationship (even though I've left home 20 years ago) I do see them every few months, is very much mum is expected to do everything and just does it without any thanks from dad because he doesn't know how to do the everyday cleaning etc as he's never had to. I look at that and think I don't want to be the taken for granted housewife.

I know my husband cares, can do the everyday stuff and wants to so I need to work on just letting him do things in his own time. I have the moments of panic where I suddenly have a million negative thoughts and need to work out how to silence those and just enjoy our time together.

We have a good relationship, we do everything together, chat about anything, have two dogs, and love them too! We share the same interests; walks, tv programs, films, games, food. We have our own time which we need so sports, friends. We have a healthy sex life, and it's fun. We have rare arguments; if we do it's quite often I'm annoyed at how I've reacted so I've snapped. We work through those, and talk about them.

Maybe I should take a leaf from my hubbys book; live in the now and enjoy the moment!

[Hidden in reply to luthien]

You’re not being taken for granted. This is something you feel deep seated because of you past or what you thought you witnessed at home.

Mine works, I stay home. Sometimes it might feel I’m not balancing that part of our lives because I’m not working. But I’m not, I also do a whole host of things he hates like finances, taxes, etc.

So I do house stuff, he works, we share the outdoor stuff, it balances. I cook he washes dishes.

See how it works out?

All the best. 🌺💜