Childhood Trauma

[Magicdreamer]

Hello All

This morning, I woke up and had to ask my step Mom for the power cord so I could do washing.... Immediately I felt terror inside as she was in her bedroom and the door was closed so I had to knock. The emotions from the thought 'Oh no, I hate having to ask' sent me straight into a memory of a childhood Trauma. I was 5 years old and I was so thirsty that I woke myself up trying to grab hold of the illusion of a cup and saucer. My Mom was in the lounge watching Dallas. I was terrified to ask her because of the constant shouting and mental abuse and as a terrified 5 year old , O was so thirsty that I had to take a leap of faith and grab courage inside and asked my Mom if I could drink water and as usual, she screened at me with contempt telling me to hurry up. This trauma of asking someone for something has followed me through my life and now finally understand the shame (there's something bad about me for asking) and guilt (I did something wrong for asking) can now be resolved for the rest of my life. 😊 The emotions that arise are extreme defense, anxiety with hostility followed by shame and topped with guilt and contempt. Very painful cocktail indeed.

I hope this can help someone uncover their own trauma of shame and guilt and self-abuse patterns from childhood traumas.

Peace and Love 💚

[fauxartist]

I've always wondered why some people even bother to have children if they are going to abuse them. My mother should never have ... but then I wouldn't be here writing back to you and be able to tell you that your sadly not alone. Many here, including myself had an abusive parent that instilled all those negatives. It leaves many of us with scars no one else can see or feel like we do, many are the walking wounded...but at least here you are not alone. I do believe others who understand can help us heal, and nobody understands the way we do. We learn none of this was our fault, we didn't deserve it, and we need to forgive ourselves for believing it was our fault and that somehow we were the cause of why we were treated badly.

[Mrspjsmom]

Childhood emotional trauma pops up when you least expect it. Knowing what causes our feelings and reactions helps. At the very least it shortens the response. I wasn't a perfect mother, no one is, but I hope I learned from my childhood and was a decent mother. If not I did my best and even though my children are 30 and 26 now I still do my best. Thanks for sharing your insight.

[PastelPink20]

It’s startling to be flashed back to such vivid emotions.

Thank you for your post. I’m surprised it doesn’t have more replies.

I think I have a lot of behaviors I do because of that childhood trauma that I didn’t realize or understand. It’s really hard to think about them.

Even after I moved, anytime I heard the garage door and knew someone was home, I would quickly clean up any trace of me being there, turn off the tv or the lights, and run to my room. Just to hide or be safe and not get yelled at. It was a constant feeling of being uncomfortable in that home.

Today, I’m trying to go to college and I’ve got scholarships but I have to take out a small loan. Im in that general transition stage. And I’m terrified because part of me believes this is the point where I’m either gonna overcome and be who I wanted to be or continue this cycle of pain. How am I supposed to commit to paying back thousands when I don’t believe I will be satisfied or capable?

I just feel like being that young, my mom avoiding being home to work night shifts, having to be quiet all day, being yelling at, lecturing on all the bills I make my mom have to pay, him and her having screaming matches, being made fun of, being scared, being given punishments like lying under the bed in a dark room, being stuck at home where school was my escape, leaving the house at midnight because my mom’s boyfriend threatened my mom, my mom threatening to not give or do something for me when I’m “ungrateful”, facebooking my dad to come save me from my mom locking me in a room and yelling about how I don’t want to her be happy...

I hate how it broke who I grew up to be. I hate how one of my parents homes was safe and consistent and the other one I was manipulated into believing I belonged there. It’s like my own voice was sealed away from me at certain point and I’ve just been living with the shame, guilt, low-self esteem, anxiety, depression. I always thought something was wrong with me because I couldn’t ask for things (as if that came out of nowhere). And I see it now, when I get stressed out about the dishes or something - it isn’t because I care about clean dishes and taking care of things I own as much as I’ve been taught to yell and be forced to clean it right or else I’m worthless and not contributing the household. I don’t want to pass that down.

Most of my problem now is how I avoid confronting things or making decisions because I am afraid of the consequences and seeking the “perfect” option. I am afraid of the finality of the decision or the shame and judgement from others. I hate regret. I avoided a lot of pain in the past by making myself smaller, doing the “right things” or not saying anything until the fight or explosive mood was temporarily over. My therapist said perhaps my mom put her emotions on me, like they were my responsibility. Idk. Now my mom is all like “you can major in anything, you’re so smart, I’ll help you...”

I’ve been re-learning what it means to live somewhere where it’s comfortable. Where your family gives each other cute nicknames. Where you have movie nights, make dinner together, go to church, go to the park, and yelling or using bad words isn’t how we talk to each other. I’ve seen how my younger sisters get encouraged, played with, listened to, given things without strings or guilt attached, and they can sort of clean up but it’s okay if they don’t. They don’t get shouted at for an hour and then forced to hand wash and re-wash the dishes you didn’t do good enough. The house is made to be a welcoming home with like decorative pillows.

Anyways, I just wanted to write a little bit about it. It’s only been the past few months that I’ve actually talked about what happened in the past and how it hurt me. Most of my therapy in my teens was just talking about what happened during the week, learning how to manage my symptoms, and being taught how to positive self talk and love myself.

I hope you’re doing well on your journey.

Thanks again.

💕💕💕