How do I heal from childhood emotional neglect/ repressed childhood trauma

[lola568]

I've been feeling stuck/ going in circles in my life for as long as I can remember. I may have recently discovered that I have repressed childhood trauma/ childhood emotional neglect issues. I am an adult & expected to behave like one but I can't cope in a lot of situations. any advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.

[Hidden]

Iola, slow & easy. Nice & smooth. You’ve come to the right ‘doctor’. This group is kind & supportive. It’s early yet; sit back & relax. Here the ‘doctor’ makes house calls. Good Luck

[lola568 in reply to Hidden]

thank you❤️

[Hidden]

Hi Iola and welcome. I think many people on here can relate.I have found this site very helpful

drjonicewebb.com/

[lola568 in reply to Hidden]

thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[Dolphin14]

I am also a survivor of childhood emotional abuse and neglect.

I have done a lot of trauma therapy and inner child work. There are also self help books and you tubes you can look up.

I have also been learning something I never heard of and it's about living in the Shadow. Catherine Ligget on Insight Timer has some great lectures on this subject. It's about how we learned to hide our own emotions and feelings because it was never allowed. Same concept as inner child and trauma work. I think the more I learn the better I'm healing.

I hope that helps a bit

🐬

[Dfnym in reply to Dolphin14]

How do you heal from childhood trauma? I feel like I never completely grew up. I feel like I have no direction for my life. I feel like a follower, like I'm just meandering through life. I feel like a scared little boy who sometimes lies to avoid "getting in trouble" or to avoid people thinking less of me. I feel like I don't measure up. I have very low self-worth and self-esteem. I was repeatedly told I was stupid and a sissy and ridiculed by my father, among other things.

How do I heal from that? There are a lot of things wrong with me, I know that. I should have tried to address these things years ago, and now I'm at risk of losing my wife and children. They're all I have. I have no friends, and no family. Everyone has abandoned me. Actually, the one friend I had my wife got rid of him because she thought he was a bad influence.

Sorry, I'm kind of desperate. I've been depressed for so long I don't even remember when it started. I was buliied in school and never had the courage to stand up for myself. Never felt worth enough to stand up for myself. In a lot of ways that's still true.

Sorry for the lenthy reply, just hoping for some understanding and some help. Am I alone? Or are there others like me? I feel like I'm alone.

[lola568 in reply to Dfnym]

im so sorry you've been going through the most pretty much your whole life. I understand the feeling & just trying to be normal but you can't just be normal, you've been through hell. You are not alone. Please hang in there & get professional help if possible. I hope things work out for you.

[Dfnym in reply to lola568]

Thanks Lola. I'm looking into professional help.

[lola568 in reply to Dfnym]

Well done! Love to hear it 👏🏾

[Dolphin14 in reply to Dfnym]

I have healed. Not 100% but I am so much better than I was.I never did anything right, I was belittled and picked apart. I was told to " stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" I was told to " knock it off if I was upset or expressing myself"

I had zero self worth. I walked on eggshells every day.

I became a perfectionist. If I did everything right I wouldn't be targeted. I stayed as far under the radar as possible

This way of growing up effects relationships. We have no idea how we are supposed to act etc.

I'm sure this sounds familiar.

I have come a long way with extensive therapy. It can be done. It it be done and there are others here that have over come childhood trauma

🐬

[Dfnym in reply to Dolphin14]

Thanks for the response. There is so much more, but it's probably best that I talk about that with a therapist. I am under so much stress. My life is up in the air. I don't know for sure where I will be two months from now. I have so much I need to get off my chest. I am holding so much in, and I have no one I can talk to. No one. My wife doesn't listen to me. I feel like a sissy just writing that. All she talks about is how I'm not an alpha male and that I'm a beta male. I'm not going to lie, I've made mistakes and done stupid things, but I've tried to make changes and I've tried to improve, but whenever I try to establish a boundary and say no, I don't want to do something, or that I want to do something a certain way, she says I'm ungrateful for what she does for me and that she's the hurt party and etc. etc. That kind of stuff definitely does not help my sense of self-worth. It just makes me feel castrated, defeated, and hopeless. I'll never be good enough. I'll never have any value to anyone. What's most depressing is that I'm almost 40 years old and I have grown up. All this seems childish and sissy stuff. She's right, it's not real man stuff, but any time I try to stand my ground, she beats me into submission again. I need help. Lots of help. I don't even know where to start. Many times I feel hopeless. There is no joy in life. None.

[lola568 in reply to Dfnym]

You're in a difficult position. I understand you. Being an adult does make it worse. The expectations. I am trying to recover while living under the roof of my parents who pretty much are aloof when it comes to emotions, all my life. I try to act normal so that noone questions me, but sometimes it's just all too much and I just curl up and stay silent, literally. I can't speak and I hide in my room. I want to leave but I can't even afford to support myself. I've never really figured out what I want or kept a steady job despite having a degree I got 5 years ago. I just want to go and feel my feelings in peace without having to keep up appearances. I sometimes wish there was an off button that would let us check out of life or hibernate. Or that we should have had a choice in whether we wanted to exist in the first place. I question why people have children if they can't do the emotional stuff who's supposed to do it? Anyway I digress. I may not be in your exact situation but know you're not alone. I am rooting for you to get better and be able to give your kids everything you needed but were never given as a child. Please don't give up. ❤️

[Dolphin14 in reply to Dfnym]

She is not right..,. This is real stuff.... this is part of who we are and how we were damaged. It doesn't make me any less of a woman and it doesn't make you any less of a man.

We all make mistakes, we are human. Some of our mistakes are responses directly related to our wounds.

My honest opinion, based on what I have learned, is we can't just scratch the surface to heal. We have to go much deeper than that. In order to set boundaries and stick to them we need to be in a place of deep understanding of where we have been.

I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up. This is not a lost cause. We can heal. Im here for you if you want to chat.

🐬

[Dfnym in reply to Dolphin14]

How do I not let it affect me? How do I prevent it from bringing me down to the depths of depression?

[Itsjust in reply to Dfnym]

I think the first times we set boundaries we hope for validation bcs its like a programming we have in our minds so we need reinforcement. The first times you will feel like everyone will abandon you, and that you are the most horrible person in the world, and that no one will like you, and that all that has been said through your childhood and life is confirmed, but the price of being submissive will have you stuck in that depression. It can be triggering when you ve been like this your whole life, to act differently, and the work is sometimes to trust yourself blindly and think something like this: the ones that matter dont mind, and the ones who mind don't matter. Sometimes when we ve been a person for too long people will try to put us back to that persona (in your case, you not sticking up for yourself) because people work like this, it's not bcs she is a bad person, but she will try to dissuade you bcs she wants you the same, people don't like uncertanty and search for certanty and in the sense you talk, she is projecting male roles which do not correspond to the true nature of being human, so she in my opinion is not right, and it seems like you know she is not right and stick to that value of yours choose yourself and try to reinforce that new behavior of yours, for exemple here, belive in the people here that tell you there is nothing wrong with you you don't have to go back to being submissive, just don't go, you don't deserve to live life in misery and belive me, your wife has probably also said what she wanted throughout her life, so if she claims you can't she is just hypocrite sorry to be this blunt but it is what it is, you don't have to feel bad about yourself, and you actually i belive needed her validation and support right now bcs its a new behavior of yours your mind will try to go back to other behaviors but in the long term, self validation is central in your life, and then meeting people who share that vision, as you see people here understand completly where you come from, it's not hard to understand you, i know when i say this your mind will go oh but they don't know the wwhole story maybe i am the wrong and my wife is right, that's actually your mind playing the trauma where you have to prove your truth. Let me just leave by saing this. The way you are now, submissive and beliving tou need to be, is a trauma response, not your real you. Belive in yourself like a hero, does the hero does what he feels good but knows it's not the right thing, or does he do the right thing regardless bcs he knows inside although it could cost love and praise, will get him to the thing he knows he should do? This means although it's super hard to be you right now due to trauma and abuse, it's the only way to freedom. Start gradual exposure to your fears like going to a coffee and choosing what you really like, saying no when someone asks you a favor, little things that say, i choose me, and the repercussions of that can't be that harmfull, bcs other people also choose themeselves, i should have relashionships where its possible to have both but i have to start with myself, the rest will follow, we have a natural wisdom, it just seems like there is an unbalance within you due to conditioning

Responda (0)

[lola568 in reply to Dolphin14]

That's encouraging. And yes this sounds so familiar. I am glad you've come a long way.

[Dolphin14 in reply to lola568]

You can do it! It's hard but very possible

🐬

[Itsjust in reply to Dfnym]

I think the first times we set boundaries we hope for validation bcs its like a programming we have in our minds so we need reinforcement. The first times you will feel like everyone will abandon you, and that you are the most horrible person in the world, and that no one will like you, and that all that has been said through your childhood and life is confirmed, but the price of being submissive will have you stuck in that depression. It can be triggering when you ve been like this your whole life, to act differently, and the work is sometimes to trust yourself blindly and think something like this: the ones that matter dont mind, and the ones who mind don't matter. Sometimes when we ve been a person for too long people will try to put us back to that persona (in your case, you not sticking up for yourself) because people work like this, it's not bcs she is a bad person, but she will try to dissuade you bcs she wants you the same, people don't like uncertanty and search for certanty and in the sense you talk, she is projecting male roles which do not correspond to the true nature of being human, so she in my opinion is not right, and it seems like you know she is not right and stick to that value of yours choose yourself and try to reinforce that new behavior of yours, for exemple here, belive in the people here that tell you there is nothing wrong with you you don't have to go back to being submissive, just don't go, you don't deserve to live life in misery and belive me, your wife has probably also said what she wanted throughout her life, so if she claims you can't she is just hypocrite sorry to be this blunt but it is what it is, you don't have to feel bad about yourself, and you actually i belive needed her validation and support right now bcs its a new behavior of yours your mind will try to go back to other behaviors but in the long term, self validation is central in your life, and then meeting people who share that vision, as you see people here understand completly where you come from, it's not hard to understand you, i know when i say this your mind will go oh but they don't know the wwhole story maybe i am the wrong and my wife is right, that's actually your mind playing the trauma where you have to prove your truth. Let me just leave by saing this. The way you are now, submissive and beliving tou need to be, is a trauma response, not your real you. Belive in yourself like a hero, does the hero does what he feels good but knows it's not the right thing, or does he do the right thing regardless bcs he knows inside although it could cost love and praise, will get him to the thing he knows he should do? This means although it's super hard to be you right now due to trauma and abuse, it's the only way to freedom. Start gradual exposure to your fears like going to a coffee and choosing what you really like, saying no when someone asks you a favor, little things that say, i choose me, and the repercussions of that can't be that harmfull, bcs other people also choose themeselves, i should have relashionships where its possible to have both but i have to start with myself, the rest will follow, we have a natural wisdom, it just seems like there is an unbalance within you due to conditioning

[Itsjust in reply to Dfnym]

I think the first times we set boundaries we hope for validation bcs its like a programming we have in our minds so we need reinforcement. The first times you will feel like everyone will abandon you, and that you are the most horrible person in the world, and that no one will like you, and that all that has been said through your childhood and life is confirmed, but the price of being submissive will have you stuck in that depression. It can be triggering when you ve been like this your whole life, to act differently, and the work is sometimes to trust yourself blindly and think something like this: the ones that matter dont mind, and the ones who mind don't matter. Sometimes when we ve been a person for too long people will try to put us back to that persona (in your case, you not sticking up for yourself) because people work like this, it's not bcs she is a bad person, but she will try to dissuade you bcs she wants you the same, people don't like uncertanty and search for certanty and in the sense you talk, she is projecting male roles which do not correspond to the true nature of being human, so she in my opinion is not right, and it seems like you know she is not right and stick to that value of yours choose yourself and try to reinforce that new behavior of yours, for exemple here, belive in the people here that tell you there is nothing wrong with you you don't have to go back to being submissive, just don't go, you don't deserve to live life in misery and belive me, your wife has probably also said what she wanted throughout her life, so if she claims you can't she is just hypocrite sorry to be this blunt but it is what it is, you don't have to feel bad about yourself, and you actually i belive needed her validation and support right now bcs its a new behavior of yours your mind will try to go back to other behaviors but in the long term, self validation is central in your life, and then meeting people who share that vision, as you see people here understand completly where you come from, it's not hard to understand you, i know when i say this your mind will go oh but they don't know the wwhole story maybe i am the wrong and my wife is right, that's actually your mind playing the trauma where you have to prove your truth. Let me just leave by saing this. The way you are now, submissive and beliving tou need to be, is a trauma response, not your real you. Belive in yourself like a hero, does the hero does what he feels good but knows it's not the right thing, or does he do the right thing regardless bcs he knows inside although it could cost love and praise, will get him to the thing he knows he should do? This means although it's super hard to be you right now due to trauma and abuse, it's the only way to freedom. Start gradual exposure to your fears like going to a coffee and choosing what you really like, saying no when someone asks you a favor, little things that say, i choose me, and the repercussions of that can't be that harmfull, bcs other people also choose themeselves, i should have relashionships where its possible to have both but i have to start with myself, the rest will follow, we have a natural wisdom, it just seems like there is an unbalance within you due to conditioning

Responda (0)

[lola568 in reply to Dolphin14]

thanks for the tips. I will definitely look up some self help books. ❤️

[Itsjust in reply to lola568]

I think the first times we set boundaries we hope for validation bcs its like a programming we have in our minds so we need reinforcement. The first times you will feel like everyone will abandon you, and that you are the most horrible person in the world, and that no one will like you, and that all that has been said through your childhood and life is confirmed, but the price of being submissive will have you stuck in that depression. It can be triggering when you ve been like this your whole life, to act differently, and the work is sometimes to trust yourself blindly and think something like this: the ones that matter dont mind, and the ones who mind don't matter. Sometimes when we ve been a person for too long people will try to put us back to that persona (in your case, you not sticking up for yourself) because people work like this, it's not bcs she is a bad person, but she will try to dissuade you bcs she wants you the same, people don't like uncertanty and search for certanty and in the sense you talk, she is projecting male roles which do not correspond to the true nature of being human, so she in my opinion is not right, and it seems like you know she is not right and stick to that value of yours choose yourself and try to reinforce that new behavior of yours, for exemple here, belive in the people here that tell you there is nothing wrong with you you don't have to go back to being submissive, just don't go, you don't deserve to live life in misery and belive me, your wife has probably also said what she wanted throughout her life, so if she claims you can't she is just hypocrite sorry to be this blunt but it is what it is, you don't have to feel bad about yourself, and you actually i belive needed her validation and support right now bcs its a new behavior of yours your mind will try to go back to other behaviors but in the long term, self validation is central in your life, and then meeting people who share that vision, as you see people here understand completly where you come from, it's not hard to understand you, i know when i say this your mind will go oh but they don't know the wwhole story maybe i am the wrong and my wife is right, that's actually your mind playing the trauma where you have to prove your truth. Let me just leave by saing this. The way you are now, submissive and beliving tou need to be, is a trauma response, not your real you. Belive in yourself like a hero, does the hero does what he feels good but knows it's not the right thing, or does he do the right thing regardless bcs he knows inside although it could cost love and praise, will get him to the thing he knows he should do? This means although it's super hard to be you right now due to trauma and abuse, it's the only way to freedom. Start gradual exposure to your fears like going to a coffee and choosing what you really like, saying no when someone asks you a favor, little things that say, i choose me, and the repercussions of that can't be that harmfull, bcs other people also choose themeselves, i should have relashionships where its possible to have both but i have to start with myself, the rest will follow, we have a natural wisdom, it just seems like there is an unbalance within you due to conditioning

[bowJim]

I was introduced to a book called 'The body keeps the score' by bessell kolk, it changed my preseption of myself and let me understand why I am the person I am. It is an incredible account and gave me most of the answers, you can listen to the book as an audio, I found this easier to digest, I could replay sections. Hope this helps you.