I’m on the slippery slope to the dark place...

[Puzzled57]

I have discovered this week how debilitating depression is to employment, family, and being a horrible place to be. I don’t want to be in the dark place anymore and I am really struggling this time to hold it together and bounce back. It is so self absorbing and takes so much energy but as hard as I try to bring myself into the light I get pushed back down! I know what my trigger is but I can’t do anything about it. I know I have choices but the consequences for confronting the trigger outweigh this horrible feeling at this time. I feel stuck!!!

[Puzzled57]

I feel like I have failed my family. I used to work at a state job using my education (that I’m still paying for) and specific training. I lost that job because I was needed elsewhere which proved not to be a good thing. I was able to get another job many months later that was a step down and a $6000/yr pay cut. My family moved for my husbands job and the commute was way too long to continue in that job. I have since been working in a fast food restaurant making 12,000/yr less than last position. I am having serious difficulties getting another job for some reason. My confidence is gone.

[Eagle12]

I know what you mean. I have been dealing with anxiety all my life and lately it has been exhausting especially because of work. I had been doing well for years but a flair up lately is bringing me too my knees.

[Puzzled57 in reply to Eagle12]

This too shall pass. I wish for both of our sakes it would hurry and pass!!

[mitch404]

Hello. The two best pieces of advice I can offer based on my own (similar) experience: 1) Be open to the idea of anti depressant medication to help you feel unstuck and 2) your value as a human being and devoted family member is far far greater than any job or job title. You are fundamentally the same person when you were earning more money and salaries can go down or up quickly. Believe in yourself and take small steps each day. Good luck!

[Puzzled57 in reply to mitch404]

I do take anti depressants and have been fighting this battle for 26 years that I know of. Most days I fight the good fight and remain balanced. I’ve fallen and I’m trying to climb back out. Thank you for your support.

[Hidden]

Push yourself as hard as you can, that’s what I do you’ll get though the dark tunnel.❤️

[Puzzled57]

I am constantly on the lookout. I have used my references so much that I feel I am taking advantage of them and becoming a nuisance. They are probably wondering why I can’t get a job either.

I take escitalopram but can’t afford therapy right now.

[JumpingFrog]

You've not let anyone down. Society expects us to have a certain jobs and income, but really they aren't important. There are so many positives in the world. If you take time to mindfully see what you have you can retrain your thoughts, if you have debt you can pay a little at a time. Rich or poor you can find joy in simple things. You won't feel great straight away because the neural pathways you've formed in your mind have led to a certain way of thinking. Good things will come you just need to see them. Hope you start to feel better soon.

[c-mac]

Last summer I lost a job, I think mostly due to depression. My boss had told us we could work from home, and apparently I just can' do that without getting depressed. I'm on medicines for bipolar disorder, so the depression only lasts four or five hours, but that's enough to wreck your professional life.

But working from home is so nice! I actually (theoretically) have time to exercise! I can do housework during breaks! I can watch a tv show at lunch!

No matter, I never actually exercise, and the rest of the day I'm listless and in a low level anxiety all day.

I have to face this, because my current job encourages us to work from home anytime we want. I did Friday, and spent a grand total of zero hours working. Stayed busy screwing around on the 'net, telling myself it was useful stuff I was doing, but itwasn't nearly as useful as STAYING EMPLOYED.

So, I'm glad you wrote this, because I see that being home alone all day makes me feel abandoned, I guess, and my avoidant behaviors kick in, and I'm largely debilitated. And when I'm depressed, my family suffers, the good people at work who depend on me suffer, and most importantly, I suffer from pain and guilt.

So, yeah, I hear you. Having a disability is a bitch. But having a disability and letting it destroy your life is much worse.

[Puzzled57]

You are right. I’m sorry you are struggling. I hope you find balance. It will come, just takes time. Balance is important for us to get a grip and survive. We will survive!!