Hello. Yesterday was St. Valentine's Day. My son always spends that day by himself. He is now middle-age with a job that he hates and does not have any friends. He does occasionally go out to see a movie.
He has never dated. He has almost never brought a friend to our house. When he was a child he was always solitary. He always told me that no one likes him. Even today our neighbors keep away from him. I see him depressed and unable to connect with anyone. Is there any good advice for him?
Have you ever asked him why he is solitary? Does he experience social anxiety? My adult niece was recently diagnosed cad being on the autistic spectrum which explained her confusion and anxiety. I find hobbies of any kind can help you connect with others. Maybe a movie club ?
I am sure he participates in groups on the Internet. He spends most of his time in front of the computer.
That has to be hard on him. I too isolate myself due to social anxiety and feel like some days I have no one. I hope he finds someone and can enjoy his life because it’s hard being lonely and feeling like you have no one.
There has to be an underlying cause/s for his extreme introversion. Once that can be identified, solutions can be found.
It's a long time to be alone and everyone deserves some measure of happiness.
Hi Quint.
My heart goes out to you. I worry about one of my sons too for similar reasons. I am at a loss to help also.
I hope things turn around for them but sometimes I realize he is responsible for his own life and the one who must need to or want to change.
I have to work hard at separating myself from this and not letting it upset my life because it really can have an impact on my own mental health.
Best to you.
I'm a big advocate of dogs. They really have a way of bringing people out of their shell. Fostering a dog can be fun too, if adopting is too much commitment. Volunteer work is great too. Also, if he's willing, he may want to see a therapist. Maybe there is more going on than the eye can see.
Yes. He has a cat. The two are inseparable. The cat is his baby.
I could be completely wrong, but do cats provide the same amount of socialization opportunities as dogs? I know with my dog, I've met people at the dog park, doggy training classes, on walks. My doggy has anxieties but he loves his walks and being outside so it opens up a lot of opportunities to be out and about.
He used to take our dog on long walks in the forest. We no longer have the dog here.
Can you help arrange a meeting with a therapist for him? It sounds like he needs someone to help him open up. Maybe a male therapist would work better. He might have extreme social anxiety.
Extreme social anxiety is true. He was very shy as a child. He talked to a counselor when he was at his college. He did not find it useful.
It's probably pretty hard on you as well, to see him like this. I feel empathy for someone like this, as someone who has struggled with shyness all my life. It seems like the bar needs to be set extra low initally, as far as human contact goes, so you can make things do-able for someone that isolated. Maybe something involving cats , being as he has made a strong connection to his pet? The cats can also make a nice buffer between actually human contact, if its too much at this point?
He loves the cat very much. I never heard of any events for cat lovers.
Where I live, the APL (animal protective league) holds bi-monthly cat adoptions at a local hardware store. The staff at the events are all volunteers. One of my sisters sometimes volunteers for them and helps care for the cats, feed them, clean their cages, etc. She is given a choice of duties because they are always wanting free help.
Hi. I can empathize and relate to your son. I was always isolating myself throughout the school years. Never really hung out with anyone once school was over. Didn't try hard to make friends or pay attention to what was going around me. And that kind of mentality stuck with me for a long time, even to today. I have to make an effort to go out and be around people, even if I don't talk to them. I sign up for meetups every month and I go to their discussion groups and various outings and I end up having a great time. The younger me would have never even thought about doing that. Because it's just still so easy for me to succumb to that urge to isolate and obsess over those dark compulsive thoughts that come with it.
Perhaps your son can start to get to know a few of his neighbors. I know I didn't do this for the longest time. Acknowledge them and say hi or ask them about their day. Something small that says you care and are willing to listen.
Thank you for the advice. I am glad you found a good solution to finding friends.
You’re welcome. Yeah sometimes you just have to go a little bit out of your way to initiate and get involved. All the best 
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