Boundaries

[Lil_Bo_Peep]

My spouse experiences bursts of anger with his depression + anxiety that is often directed at me. I struggle to respond to this behavior in a constructive way, staying calm, setting boundaries and not taking it personally. I need some words and tools I can use in the heat of it all to help me remain calm and constructive while my spouse works through the anger.

[LiveandLetLive42]

I would take that so personally! That’s verbal spousal abuse. That’s not ok! I don’t think he should be taking it out on you. I get that we can’t help how we feel sometimes but we can control how we act. You should seriously consider having a talk with him. All the best!

[Lil_Bo_Peep in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

I'm not sure how to talk about it constructively. Any thoughts on an open and loving approach that gets the results I need from someone who is behaving irradically and irrationally?

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Lil_Bo_Peep]

I would approach it the way you did with us. Just say “I don’t know if you notice but sometimes you take your anger out on me and it hurts.” Start with something like that.

[Billsfriend in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

I like the suggestion of talking to him when he's calm. It may even be helpful to ask him how you can help him. If he is not receptive to talking about it, you may need to get away from him when he starts up and not be present with him until he is back in control. That sends a powerful message!

[Lil_Bo_Peep in reply to Billsfriend]

I definitely find it's easier to talk to him when he's calm.

[Billsfriend in reply to Lil_Bo_Peep]

I think that it's admirable that you are willing to work with him.

Don't be too concerned about how you approach him.

He either wants to get better or not. If he does, then he will be receptive immediately, feel genuine remorse, and take immediate action to change. I know you will pay attention to what he does, not what he says.

Of course these are my thoughts and opinions based on my own experience.

You are Very Brave to face up to the problem.

Please keep us posted on your progress!

[Billsfriend in reply to Lil_Bo_Peep]

Once I get lost in my anger and frustration it is too late for talk. I think you just need to get away until he calms down.

[Lil_Bo_Peep in reply to Billsfriend]

I see that alking away could also help me stay calm and respond more constructively. Thank you.

[BetaTogetha]

There’s a really good book that has words and phrases, “What to do when he won’t change” by Jack Ito this book was super helpful for me, I’ve reread it several times. The author really breaks down situations and gives a good guide to work/move forward. The author has another book I really got help from and that’s “connecting through the power of yes” I highly recommend getting them both. Available on kindle and paper back 💗💗

[Lil_Bo_Peep in reply to BetaTogetha]

This sounds like it could be really helpful. I find that if I borrow words and practice responses when I'm calm they come to mind easier when I'm stressed. Thank you.

[Hidden]

He is a sociopath. He does need you but in his own way. Find out how he will use and manipulate so as to be prepared to notice the signs. Tell him, show him all he does and how it fits and your relationship cannot continue as is. Once he knows that you know he will back down, deny, attempt to shift blame. Do not accept it and tell him you know what he is doing and it will not work. He must work to change the manner in which he interacts with you because his current manners are unacceptable. If you must take those hard, difficult steps to separate yourself from that which is not a positive in your life. And stay strong. Weakness is just that and will be preyed upon. Do not give in. Fight for you.

[Billsfriend in reply to Hidden]

Sorry, but I disagree. He may be a sociopath, but he may have learned this by example while growing up.

I did, and I am working hard to change. I'm getting better too. There was a time when I had no awareness of my behavior. I'm lucky to have woke up and am trying to make it up toy wife.

So of course, I believe he deserves a chance.

[Hidden in reply to Billsfriend]

I understand. But if you know it takes one to know one, then you know what I have said is true. And learning that behavior while growing is the main difference between a sociopath being nurture while a psychopath is nature; born that way, perhaps a genetic mutation. I understand why and how my upbringing made me the way I am: Borderline personality disorder cluster B anti-social personality. And quite the sociopath. I believe he may change, whether for real or surreptitiously, for the sake of maintaining the status quo. That's what I would do. Maybe he deserves a chance and maybe not, that is for her to decide if she wants to put up with him anymore or not. I just know from personal experience when she confronts him with his ways and/or suggests he may be a sociopath he will attempt to divert the conversation, to the get the pressure off himself. I'm a master at shifting attention off me, to shift blame, to claim total innocence while completely guilty. He will do the same. I did not tell her to leave him outright. Give him a reasonable chance but beware his ulterior motives. There will be some though he may choose to change if he sees he's being carefully monitored and this time it's for real.

Change can occur, though it's difficult to change a lifetime of learned behavior(s).

[Billsfriend in reply to Hidden]

I do come from a totally different place. For example Once I became self aware I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me.

I do agree strongly that if he's not receptive to change, that it's time to get out.

[Lil_Bo_Peep in reply to Hidden]

This is an interesting perspective. Thank you for your input.

[MrZee]

Perhaps try attending Codependents Anonymous meeting(s). There’s many of them out there. I did those years ago when I was in an unfulfilling relationship. I did everything I could do to “fix” it when he had no desire to change.

I found being at the meetings listening to others share and what I had to share that I was very much not alone.

Plus it helped me learn what healthy and unhealthy boundaries are.

I hope you both find the peace your looking for in your relationship.

Best,

-MZi

[sweetiepye]

Hello Bo, If I might , I suggest you treat your spouse like a spouse. Reassure him of your love and support. Depression makes one feel so alone and lost. You don't need to have the right words, just caring words. Listening to someone is a gift to them, we all want to be heard. The anger expressed is really toward the situation and not to you, you happen to be a safe person to express it to. It is a difficult situation for both of you but if you can be patient with each other you may end up with a stronger than ever relationship. That being said, if harsh words or blame enters into the conversation then you must get away. You can be there for support, but not as a target. You know your spouse ,as none of us here do, you must trust yourself.