Feeling Defeated.....???? A simple trip to the grocery store turned to a confusing moment 🧐🤨😏

[UnderstandingMyPain]

Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss contains its own seed, it’s own lesson, it’s own experience. Being able to live through it we gain an understanding of being unbreakable.

Today I went to the grocery store with my “oh so lovely” mother. I thought going to the grocery store was suppose to be “pretty simple” you enter in, get what you need, pay for it and bring it home. NOT the case with my mother. It was the most stressful thing. I noticed with my children they didn’t even notice too much bc they were just playing around and joking with each other. The same thing I used to do at my age with my brother, which made me realize another moment of my life why I never noticed my mother’s behavior (plus when your young like that, your attention is not going to focus on every single behavior of an adult). My mom complained about every item and she would tell me to pick something up, so I did. Like for instance she says pick up a head of lettuce 🥬. So I did, placed it in the cart 🛒 and she says, no not that one, takes it out and picks up another one. I didn’t say anything. Thennnnn she says pick up a bag of potatoes 🥔. Instead of me picking up the potatoes, I said no, please, you do it bc I don’t want to pick up the wrong bag like the lettuce. Her response was an EPIC narcissistic moment, “What are you talking about I was talking to Jessica!!” (My daughter)

Folks all I could do was sighhhh and walk away to another isle. Thank goodness my phone rang and I was able to just talk and get my mind out of that “head space.

[Agora1]

Breathe dear breathe xx

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Agora1]

Yeahhhh I will! Thank you 😊 I think I was more amazing with the fact like WHOA I’m seeing the behaviors clearly this time!!! But breathe it is!!

[Hidden]

Walking away was the best way to deal. I’m sorry that she made it stressful for you. As Agora said, breathe. That’s all you can do, just keep breathing. Oh, and go to Target to buy a fidget cube!!! 😉

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Hidden]

Okay Target it is!!! I’ll let you know how it works out for me! Again thank me for sharing the cube! Yes I will breathe!! ☺️

[hypercat54]

Oh dear. Open the wine and have some chocolate and you will feel better. x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Chocolate? Did someone say chocolate? Who’s got some? Send some my way pleeeeeeease.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

It's funny how that word Chocolate always seems to stand out lol xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Chocolate radar is a thing 😂

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to hypercat54]

I do loveeeee some chocolate!!!!

[All_alone]

The narcissist is never wrong. I agree with the wine and chocolate, or something stronger perhaps..?😉 🍹

[KittenMittens22]

Oh mothers...🤦🏻‍♀️ My mom is the same when I try to tell her that she did something I didn’t like or that offended me, she gets angry at me and denies what she did. Then spends all day being mad at me like I did something wrong.

My mother in law also cannot take responsibility for her actions. She never apologizes and blames the other person when she’s in the wrong.

I mean these woman are in their 60’s and still so emotionally immature. I would have thought by know they would have lived and learned. But I guess to learn one must first acknowledge, which they don’t.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to KittenMittens22]

Yes Mothers (with the biggest sigh you can imagine)…...I'm getting to the point in my life on just accepting it and realizing she is not going to change. Since I am moving towards that direction, it explains why for many years why my other family members don't want anything to do with her. My mother made me think it was them all this time. My mother's strong card is that she likes to help people financially, so in her mind if she is giving them money (relatives) and what I mean by giving them money, my mother does not drive when my father was alive he was the driver he would take her everywhere also being in NY you have unlimited transportation, now that he has passed in 2018 my other relatives would drive her, she isn't go far but will give them $40 in gas or if there is a relative who is "struggling" due to loss of a job or an unexpected expense she is the first to volunteer and help out which may be a couple of hundreds. As for me and my other siblings all my siblings went to Ivy League Schools and she has spent sooooo much money out her pocket for college expenses along with my dad, so in her mind she has justified her behavior, that since she has "helped" so many people it's okay for her to feel and think the way she does. Me personally I feel it's wonderful that she is willing to help but not wonderful that she treats people the way she does including me. Money for my mom is a control thing, she uses for people. It gives her exactly what she believes she needs, control, manipulation, a appearance that she is a compassionate person and if things don't go her way, she gets to play the victim.

Another perfect example, as soon as my children left about 45 mins ago to be with their dad for a week, I asked her what date is she leaving that I can tell my director when I will start to come into work a little later (since I have to get my daughter on the bus). Her response I don't know as yet, I need to look at the calendar and then says do I want to go a little later to the store because she needs to by my son so more long sleeve shirts for school. It comes so natural for her. She believes if I am getting something for the kids and how she is willing to spend more money on them, I can have her stay longer. NOPE sorry can't do it, she was suppose to here in for 2 weeks and that was in the first week of September 2019.

(sorry my response was so long, when I read yours it made me think of everything at once and I vented)

[KittenMittens22 in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

That is so crazy...my mother is the exact same way with helping people, especially financially! She has also helped pay for college for me and helped me to get a house which I am so grateful for, but like you said, it’s almost her way of being good or showing love without having to do what it really takes in relationships. Maybe that’s the only way my mom knows how to show care and love. When it comes to relationships though she is usually very selfish with thinking of mostly her needs and won’t see others’ point of view.

I don’t have kids yet, and after my childhood, not sure if I want to. But I am glad I am aware of the patterns as to not repeat it.

It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to KittenMittens22]

After being on this site I started to see and think, “I always thought it was just me” this site has also helped me gain insight about my relationship with my mother and others!! Yeah our mothers are just a huge factor in our lives growing up. Very impactful on us emotionally. I used to get to get very angry with her but not any longer. I just ignore her for the most part. I might say little comments here and there if she says things that are extremely rude in front of my kids and then I don’t care if she gets mad back and give the silent treatment, I just simply remind myself I am not wrong in this situation and keep it moving!!

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

Never keep it in. It’s important to release it.

[KittenMittens22 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I think so too. Which maybe is more helpful in the moment when something happens. Although my therapist said bringing up the past about how my mom made me feel as a child would do nothing but hurt her and not actually do any good. 🙄 I’m not trying to hurt her when talking about it. Just wanted her to know what it was like for me. I realize she did the best she could considering she was dealing with anxiety as well, but my feelings should still matter.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to KittenMittens22]

Wait what?!?!?! I hope you don’t take offense to this, buttttt no I disagree with your therapist. Bringing up your childhood that has played a negative effect on you should not be a negative outcome for your mother. Your therapist sounds like our mothers talking. That’s something my mom would probably say.

YES your feelings do matter. YOUR anger, resentment, sadness (not sure if you feel those things at time when you think about your mothers behavior) SHOULD matter. I believe therapy should be used as a time to uplift the client on their personal journey of growth. I was a therapist for about 6 years and yes I was dealing and still dealing with my personal emotions but at the end of the day, this should just show you how powerful and impactful a childhood by an abusive mother can happen to anyone of us. It doesn’t pick who this could happen too. I think the reason why it might be easier for me at times to get through a difficult moment is because of my profession but I still have my days, I am human. I had to give myself grace and become easy with myself.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

When we keep things inside they control us.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to KittenMittens22]

Of course they matter. Our moms can’t give what they don’t have though so we help each other. We can’t change them. We can hold hands and commiserate and give each other coping skills.

Sometimes I swear I think of my mother when I’m talking to her like I’m patting a puppy on the head. Isn’t that awful?! It works. 😳😁

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to KittenMittens22]

I’m 56. It’s because we were raised by women with absolutely no voice. They were heavy handed. It’s not lack of insight. It’s the habit of survival mode. That’s the way society was then. It’s a learned response.

I feel sorry for my mom and her sisters. Can you imagine living your entire life trying to escape punishment for things that really weren’t important? There’s so much anxiety. Their baseline is our panic.

My mother’s father reached out and slammed her brothers face to the table breaking his nose because he wore his hat to the table by mistake. That was disrespectful. He was a WWII Gunnery Sergeant.

It was the atmosphere of society. Do you think they got to yell ‘rape’? It wasn’t even a crime. We all know most women get touched improperly at least. Add this to their mix.

When I helped break the barrier into a mans world in my career I learned history. I can forgive my mom and her sisters.

I hope young women can see it from both sides and see our struggle as a whole.

Btw, I love men and I’m not fond of my mother but I’m old enough to have seen the changes.

Keep raising your children right 💛

[KittenMittens22 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I appreciate your insight NeuronerdDoaty. I guess I never thought about it that way in that they were also raised by women with no voice.

I am more forgiving now as I am older and realize more. I know now it’s how she was raised and probably won’t change. It’s just hard having a relationship with someone who you feel like you can’t be real with or resolve things with. I guess I just need to accept it for what it is and not have expectations. Just sad to me we can’t have a better relationship.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

That’s my ex. The Mother is just a perfectionist.

I always say narcissist spelled backwards is arsehole. If they can lie so can we.

I think also some mother/daughter communications have the mother on defensive unknowingly. Was she treated this way? Your only job now is being very careful not to pass it on.

My mom used to have us clean our own rooms but come back and dust mine in the middle of the night. The message was I didn’t do it right. She didn’t do my brothers. But, he paid me to do his so how was it any better.

I did not pass that down. Your awareness will help you end it. 👍

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Yeah sounds so familiar. Since I am aware, this is something I WILL NOT PASS DOWN and put on my children! I just can't. Thankfully for her behaviors towards me( if I look at it from a positive angle) it has helped me realize, this is not right! I have always had that thought in the back on my mind even as a child but when your so young it's hard to pinpoint what is going on here, but as I grew older had my own family, I see it for what it is. I don't want history to repeat itself.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

When I’m asked I tell her she was a great influence on me. I tell her friends this as well. They all smile.

What they don’t realize is it influenced me NOT to let society ruin me and my children and theirs. We can fix the future.

Sad story. My grandmothers older sisters could not be around us in their later years. My great grandfather was a pedophile and they protected all the younger sisters and females within his reach. After he died they moved very far away and were very hard mothers. They sacrificed themselves.

I wish this story was a single story. I wrote this and then travelled the country with it.

You ladies and gentlemen can continue to change our world.