How to help a loved one

[jlsc81]

This will be a long post but I’m completely lost at what to do. The girl I love and loved me has pushed me away because she’s depressed.

I live in the US and she lives in the UK. We met when she had a bf but he was really abusive. For almost the last entire year we’ve been friends and I’ve tried to give her encourage to leave (they have shared horses together and animals). She was always really worried about her animals and what would happen with them. We fell in love but have always respected one another as a person.

The past year has been very difficult for me. I had to watch someone I love, love someone else. I had to watch someone I love being mistreated and so stressed out to the point of physical health issues. The distance didn’t help. It was so hard being thousand of miles apart and I couldn’t just see her and know it was ok. We talked about me moving there. She told me she loved me. We even talked about a future. She said on her worst days I was always the light at the end of the tunnel and just knowing I existed made her get through the days. We understood each other on this level we both never had experienced. I didn’t date this past year because I was in love with her. She would always say I could and she didn’t want me to just wait and not date...that she wanted me to be happy. I told her I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t want to see anyone else. It seemed the nicer I was to her the more it made her feel like shit. She often said she felt guilty because this was a shitty situation for me to be in. I always tried to reassure her that she made me happy. She said I was too kind and too lovely and she didn’t deserve me.

They broke up late august. I even asked before they broke up didn’t she expect to need some time after the break up? She said no but once they did break up she said she just needed a little time to get her feet back on the ground. She was busy with moving her horses and work. Genuinely just pressed for time to do the basic things. I tried to give her space but sometimes she would say she could feel me pull away and I was distant. I thought it was making things worse for her. She’s the one who brought up me coming to see her. I told her I thought she needed time so that’s why I haven’t suggested but she said of course she wanted to see me. We planned for New Years but not the specifics. As it got closer I kept asking and she never initiated conversation about it. I told her to just let me know if she wasn’t ready. I ended up finally saying I wouldn’t come but let me know when she wants me to.

It’s gotten worse and she’s depressed now. It’s been hard for me because obviously this whole past year I kind of neglected my wants and needs to give her what I thought she needed and what help. It hurt to watch her not leave him and be with me. These past few weeks I started to lash out some because she wouldn’t talk to me. She said she felt empty and nothing for anyone or anything. I told her I didn’t want more time because I know she’s busy but this is all we have to communicate. I never had the luxury of just seeing her and not talking and knowing she’s ok. I told her I just wanted her to communicate with me. I started to think she just didn’t care about me. My mistake was taking it personally. While I did try to offer whatever help I could give and still let her know I care, it got to me at times. I told her she doesn’t care. I brought up how hard it was for me. I was making her feel worse and worse and I regret it.

I didn’t know it was that bad. I didn’t know how else to help. Just a few days ago we got into an argument but I feel a weight lifted off now because I see how bad it is and it makes me drop all my insecurities and worries and just focus on her. I just want to be a friend and help. She said me she cares about me and “was” in love. She said she didn’t want me to wait on her and she needs to fix herself. She said the more she saw I was sad because of this past year, she felt like shit. She felt like she was failing me and already felt like she was failing at life. She said she needs time and space and didn’t get it from me because I had expectations of how she used to be. Which is true. It hurt to see how happy we were despite the situation and now I felt her pull away and I felt helpless. She said she didn’t realize the damage from the break up was this much.

I just wanted to know if anyone has experienced this before. It’s been literally months and months of happiness with us. I looked back at messages and just at the end of august she told me she feels like she could marry me tomorrow and know we’d be ok and get through anything. Just 2 weeks ago she said she got tearful the night before and said she missed it all. How it used to be. It hurts to know if she has fallen out of love with me that it happened that quickly. It makes me angry at myself that maybe I ruined it...months and months of putting her first and honestly just trying to make her smile every day and it’s like 2 weeks of me complaining and going through all these emotions myself has pushed her that far away. It hurts me but I’m trying not to take it personally. I sent a long message about how much I cared and how she’s helped me this past year. I told her to let me know if she ever needs anything. I plan on giving space and if she hasn’t reached out, I’ll try to every 3-4 days maybe and check in and ask how she is.

It seems the more I tried to show her how amazing she was and how happy she made me, the more it made her feel like shit about herself. She always said I set a high bar for her and she didn’t deserve me and was bound to disappoint. I never expected her to be any certain way though...not until these last few weeks when it got to me. I’ve always said I loved every side. It’s like she always gave me reasons of why I’d probably leave one day but now she’s the one who left. If I’m being honest, it makes me angry. All I ever did was do things to show her she’s so worthy of everything good in life. She had someone constantly putting her down and I just wanted to be a person to lift her back up. I know she has to fix herself but I said I wanted to help. I’m not sure what to do.

Has anyone experienced this where a gf/bf pushed them away and hinted at that they weren’t in love with they got really depressed? I’m wondering how to navigate it. I’m definitely not going to reach out often and just give her space and let her reach out. I’m also worried because I can’t see her. I don’t know what she’s doing to actually try to help herself. If she needs support to go to the doctor, counseling, etc. I know of one of her good friends in the UK. I thought about reaching out to her and telling her not to say anything but I don’t want her to find out and make her upset. Her friend knows of her last relationship and the stuff she went through. I thought maybe she could check on her more or something. How do I deal with the heartbreak while also trying to be positive and supportive to her? I don’t want to get upset one night and bring it up to her and make her feel worse. She was the best thing in my life and I’m just worried for her and I wanted this to progress and show her I love her through it all but I know that’s not how depression works.

[Kkimm]

Hi

I do not think you should beat yourself up about showing that you are not perfect and have your own needs also. It has given a level of honesty that needed to come out at some point if the relationship was going to work in the long run.

She has undergone a huge break up in her life as well as suffering the impact of the abuse from her previous partner. This will have had a profound impact on her self esteem and could take many years to recover from.

Try to encourage her to seek therapy for her depression. Going to her friend behind her back may not be a wise move. The friend is very likely to tell her this happened and it is hard to predict how she may react to this.

In a sense you have kept your life on hold for her for a long time now and you have to decide whether or not you continue to do this when there is no certainty at all about whether or not this will ever become a fulfilling relationship for you both.

I think you are doing the right thing by continuing to be patient and give her time but this could be needed for a very long time and still may not result in the outcome you hope for.

My very best wishes.

Kim

[jlsc81]

Thanks for your input. She always said I was the light at the end of the tunnel and the “end goal” (us being together) is what made the bad days okay. I wanted her to know she was worth it but I feel like she’s pushed me away now because she doesn’t feel worthy. She has to herself and the more I did for her and the nicer I was, I think it was all a reminder that she isn’t worthy of it. She often would tell me that. I think now she looks at me and sees guilt and like I didn’t deserve this shitty situation and in return, it

makes her feel worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by just giving her the basics of what she deserves and also waiting to show I cared. I’m just worried about her now but I do think she needs to space and to know I’m okay and happy but thinking of her. I started to write letters to her and what I’d wish to say but I’m not sending them. I found it’s a way to get out what I want to say but I’m not bothering her