Another day wasted

[BippandBugs]

I am existing. I am not living. I don't have the strength, mindset or ability it takes to live right now. Wow, to myself. I just realized I truly do not have the ability, the mindset to truly live a life!

I have grandchildren. One 5 yr old that lives with my husband and me with my daughter. The other grandson, 9 lives in the neighborhood and is over 1 night a week and most wkends. I am missing out on time with them. I hate it. I hate myself for it.

I ask myself, how would you feel if you DIDN'T have a husband, your daughter and grandson living with you and your other grandson around so often. What would life be like then. It wouldn't be worth living, I know. And at the same time, I am not "living" a life, creating memories with them.

I have been in this place before. Such a familiar place for me. I will leave it for a little while but always come back. This time is different. This time I'm older, more health problems. Hips hurt so bad i can barely walk. Weight is OUT. OF. CONTROL.

Extroverted I use to be. Introvert I have become. Hiding away from the world, the life of my family going on right on the other side of this door.

Just go to sleep for a while, I keep telling myself. You'll feel better when you wake up. Truth is, go to sleep for a while. You won't have to feel the disappointment you are, again.

It's so easy to get so much more swallowed up in my darkness when know one is here. And in often wish no one was here. But I would not mentally be able to stay alive if they never came back home.

I feel more comfortable isolating, as long as I can still hear life going on.

[Buttercup9616]

I've noticed everyone has replies to their news feed except you and i. Maybe our problems are to big for others to bare. But I'll give it a shot. It sounds like you want to be there for your grandkids, but you are limited to their time, physically and mentally. I'm aired you want to be in their lives, for my mom wants nothing to do with her kids or my son. Living with people is proven to be a handful. When was the last time you took the for yourself? Like truely yourself? What is it you want? More time with the kids, or some time to do something you love so you can love your family. It's tacky and cheesy, but you have to fill your cup to pour your tea for other people

[Agora1]

BippandBugs, I understand how physically and mentally challenging it can

be as we get older to have the energy to keep up with an active family.

It makes you realize why those who have children are in the prime of their

lives. We never know what life has in store for us as the years go by.

I always thought if I could make it until my daughter was 21, I'd be doing fine.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. She is very ill with an eating disorder

which requires a lot of care and doctor visits. Am I existing and not living as she is?

I refuse to admit to that and so like Buttercup stated, we need to always find some

"me time" for ourselves or we will burn out very quickly and have nothing left to

give. xx

[NeuronerdDoaty]

The only thing good about being in this place is we can hang on and know we come out. You’re so important to those kids. You could never be a disappointment. They have no expectations. That freed me from a lot when I really soaked that in. Love is all they want and I know you have that.

Stay in touch. You are worthy. You are loved.

[itakenaps]

Hi,

I can relate to the feeling of not really living and wasting space, it is probably one of the worst feelings in life. Personally, I can tell you that there is light on the other side of these feelings. From what you said you have overcome them before and you can do that again.

I read something recently that said “ if you can’t live for yourself then live for something else. Your children, your pet, the stars, a plant...” for you it can be your grandchildren. Hold on for them and get the help that your need so you can feel alive again.

Keep fighting!

[BippandBugs in reply to itakenaps]

How ironic. I was just thinking before I read your message that I have always been able to see that light. Sometimes the tunnel narrowed more before reaching the light. Sometimes, it was just a tunnel.

This one has become the most narrow of tunnels with very little light.

I want to live for my grandchildren. And my kids. And my husband.

My mind is just so scrambled.

I drank some wine October 9th. I thought it was time to call one of my sisters that I had conflict with. The discussion got so deep. To childhood traumas. (I personally disagree with the ones that say, it was in your childhood, that was a long time ago, let that shit go.) As I said previously, I cannot get images out of my head. They scream in my brain. They are chaotic. They are relentless. I cannot get them out. I cannot find the right help yet. I've been trying for 29 years. I have gone to 2 dual diagnosis centers.

During the conversation with my sister, so many things came up. I remember her telling me "don't you do anything" "don't do it" "you have to get through this" Her comments were to help me but it just reminded me of the prescriptions I had just gotten filled that day. The last thing I remember was dropping a medicine bottle on the night stand. I woke up in the hospital with my mother in law sitting with me.

No one knows what all I took. But I knew what I had before this happened. Everyone thought i had taken "some" klonopin.

I had swallowed 60 10mg of a muscle relaxer, Baclofen and 30 2 mg of klonopin. I was truthful with the psychiatrist that came to see me in the hospital. He was doing the evaluation to see if I needed to go directly to a behaviour center or go home. I was honest with him. In my straight mind, I don't want to die. He let me come home.

I haven't had any type of alcohol since October 9th. I am however, going in the beginning of the year to a facility to help with depression and anxiety.

After these months, no one knows exactly what or how much of what I had taken.

I believe taking ones own life is selfish and cowardice.

I was not in my right state of mind before I started drinking that wine.

But after the bottle and hearing her say " don't do it," I thought I had enough.

My family has been treating me differently. Disappointed. My daughter although, has been there for me. Everyday in the hospital, painting my toe nails, bring my favorite throw etc. She herself just being sober for 3 weeks at the time. (and still is 🙏)

I apologize.

I've gone on and on.

Maybe I should send this out there. Maybe I need to....I cannot delete....I need this to fly away from me!

[itakenaps in reply to BippandBugs]

It sounds like you have good support from your family. I don’t think they are disappointed in you, probably worried and scared and they probably don’t really understand what is going on so they are confused on how to help.

I don’t know where you live, and where you can get help. Personally I just go to a psychiatrist and psychologist team and they help me manage my treatment. Is that like the center you went to?