Trigger warning: my thoughts on depression/ suicide

[admirablesloth]

Hey all. I haven’t been on here in a while, I’m sorry. I usually do that a lot.

There have been a lot of life changes for me going on, and the biggest one recently being a new, huge but temporary job change. Because I’ve been doing really good, this job change involves me being on stage in front of a lot of important people that work for the company, being interviewed, and having a whole different team.

Did I mention I suffer from excruciating social anxiety and haven’t taken any medication for it recently?

Without going into too much detail, these interviews I’m selected for can be seen by everybody. This involves studying company information and basically being able to answer any question about the company.. in different states..... in front of hundreds. It’s a lot, to say the least.

Have you ever been almost suicidal? I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s this feeling of feeling worthless and wanting to die, but not wanting to be the one to end it. Almost like wishing something would kill you, just so you don’t have to think about your loved ones not only being hurt by your death, but hurting even more by not feeling like they were good enough. But as much as you love them, as amazing and supportive as they are, nothing can take away that pain of feeling like you will never not be a failure. You hear the voices over and over again. When someone brings up one of your fuck ups, you basically want to kill yourself over it, no matter how small. And you wonder how you can continue life like that, forever. Like if I feel like this now, how about when I have kids? How about when I feel it’s time to take the next step, after tripping and falling down a flight of stairs on the first? I feel like it’s getting really hard to live with myself. Really fucking hard. It makes me sick.

And you know what the worst part is? Aside from my fuck ups, I have a lot of good contributions to this. I’ve gotten a lot of praise... and some mocking critique. But no matter how good I am, I’m still starting to hate myself. I’m genuinely sorry for the depressing story, I think I’m just looking to vent. Maybe hear some stories, maybe feel heard, who knows.

[Hidden]

I understand. I can give people advice, but on that same note I can't take my own advice. I understand the part about being partially suicidal. I am like that too. I have been known for taking a bunch of pills at one time. I am here if you ever need to talk. I know it helps me whenever someone wants to talk to me.

[admirablesloth in reply to Hidden]

I do the same thing, it’s hard enough for me to take my own advice no matter how helpful. I’m sorry you feel the same way, it’s such a trapping feeling but thank you. Same goes here if you ever needed to talk 💕

[Poodie in reply to admirablesloth]

Hi admirablesloth.

Yes ,I have had those exact feelings about myself and re my family just recently. It was frightening for me to realize how hopeless I had become.

I’d never before thought about loved ones being left feeling “not good enough” ,but of course they would feel that way.. Thanks for mentioning that .

I too know what I should do re advise, but having depression, knowing and following it are often miles apart.

I have been exposed to a lot of trauma from early on. I think too much stress effects our brain’s ability to make the right chemicals and that is why the meds along w therapy can help so many people. My ability to cope well is diminished and worn down. I have to anticipate when my depression may begin to take hold.. I have to be more careful about voicing my needs and I have to do more to take care of myself to avoid feeling overwhelmed. But as you know, once our illness starts in, it becomes more difficult to do anything.

This site has helped me begin to move ahead. I am still depressed but not to that extent now. You are not alone with your feelings. Plenty of people are here to try to help, so the more of us hanging in there, the better. Sometimes we need others advice to remind us .

Recently I knew that a situation would be difficult, I did not take this seriously enough and kept thinking I could cope. Yet i could feel the depression coming on. I felt in a bind and felt I had no control over the situation which was somewhat true, so I did not communicate my needs even to myself. I need to pay more attention to what I know will overwhelmed me. I think that is one goal I can take from what happened recently to me, to anticipate what will overload me and do something that could help before I get so terribly depressed.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

[admirablesloth in reply to Poodie]

Thanks for the response Poodie, it’s bitter sweet knowing you relate because while it feels so much less lonely knowing someone else understands, it’s still sad knowing you also share that pain that I know can sometimes be unbearable. I have felt like my past and how my mind has handled these issues has since haunted me and has creating its own coping mechanism that only makes things worst.. which is why I’m here, and have read so many stories from so many wonderful people such as yourself. It sounds like you’re making a lot of progress, accepting the feelings as they come but doing what you can with the control we’re always tricked into thinking we don’t have and that in itself is really encouraging ❤️ thanks so much for sharing

[Poodie in reply to admirablesloth]

I appreciate your thoughtful response.

Thank you.