So, I struggled with depression for a while and I never would have said that I was suicidal.. I honestly didn't think I was. But looking back, I guess I was in a way. I wouldn't ever want to necessarily kill myself but I would pray for God to take me away or that I would get a terminal illness or be in a car accident. I just nonchalantly wanted to die if that makes sense. I just wanted to stop existing. I don't know if that counts as suicidal thoughts. I really didn't know they were for a while. I've always thought like that ever since I was bullied in 4th grade. I would never act on it though. But I was able to get past the worst of depression and would honestly say that I am happy now, but sometimes I still have those dark invading thoughts about the best way to die or car crashes. Stuff like that. I feel crazy now that I'm actually reading what I've been thinking. Does anyone else experience this?? Again, I would never act on these thoughts. I have a good life. I can honestly say that and believe that for the first time in a long time but I still have those thoughts sometimes.
*possible trigger warning* dark thoug... - Anxiety and Depre...
*possible trigger warning* dark thoughts
I feel the same way sometimes. I have depression but not feeling suicidal. But if a bullet came my way, I wouldn’t necessarily dodge it. Hang in there. It’s going to get better. I am new but hopeful.
I have been in this very same place countless time over many years. I started praying that I would not have to wake up the following morning on a regular basis by the time I was in the 1st grade. I *may* have prayed this way earlier as well, particularly when there were 3 specific events that REALLY screwed my head up, but praying this prayer on a *regular* basis was definately happening by age 7.
This is called, "suicidal ideation," and most everyone considers suicide at one time or another in their lives without following through with it, but some of us struggle with suicidal thoughts quite a lot more than others, and this is a clear sign that, yeah, we are definately more prone to suicide, but I think more importantly, that we are grossly UNHAPPY.
[rant] [sorry for the rant alert] :/
For what it's worth, I don't buy into this *trigger warning* stuff, and let me be clear, I am making a general statement here Annielane, not a comment directed at you. Titling your post *Possible Trigger Alert," is just what the latest social trends have taught you.
I'm 49 years old and have danced with these awful feelings so many times . . . to the point of having really extensively studied the subject including methods, success rates of various methods, success rates of men vs women, (roughly 80% of all successful suicides are males), and so forth. Believe me, if I were in a place to want to kill myself tonight, there is no WAY it could have *ANYTHING* to do with you talking about your feelings. In fact, when I HAVE been in such a dark place, it has been others sharing about their same feelings of dispair that have helped me to hang on for one more day.
There is no-one here that could make me end myself by something they posted. BELIEVE THAT. I was beaten as a child, and was hated by my student body. I have lost everyone who I loved in the last 5 years and am a family man that no longer has any family left at all, so, believe me, someone mentioning suicide is the last thing that coild possibly, "trigger" me to suddenly decide to end my life. The actual events I have suffered through COULD have pushed me that far, *maybe* still could one day - but people are actually being led to believe that them TALKING about having suicidal thoughts will make me kill myself? MORE than loosing everything and everyone worthwhile in my life like having the rug yanked out from under me? That suggestion is RIDICULOUS and SOCIALLY IR-RESPONSIBLE!
So, obviously I have made it this far and I'm still above ground, and have a total of zero suicide attempts. If anyone thinks my reading about the awful crap they too have endured is going to cause me to suffer more deeply than the stuff I actually went through when *I* was the one feeling alone and filled with pain . . . sigh . . . I think I've made my point.
Please, don't ever feel you can not talk about this stuff. People who bottle it all up are in WAY more trouble. No-one is going to read about your struggles and find that so much worse than their own, that they are going to be "triggered" to sudenly run right out and kill themselves because of something you shared about. That is a stinky old crock of schiznit, and I refuse to call it ice cream and sit here eating it with a big smile pretending it's yummy and wonderful. It's POOP! YUCK! OKAY? DO NOT EAT THE YUCKY POOPIE POOPOO!
[/rant] [/sorry for the rant alert]
I guess the reason this learned language about "trigger alert" non-sense gets me so furious is because it seems this b.s. media driven pop psychiatry garbage language every so subtlety suggests to our youth that if they TALK about their feelings, including - feeling of wishing they were dead, had never been born, or, "had the guts to go through with suicide," - they will cause a bunch of other people to die. This is the biggest crock of horse schnit I have ever heard in my life, and I wonder how many young people have died as a result of feeling like it was SO WRONG to TALK about their feelings, so instead . . .
. . . they acted on them because they were given no other outlet.
Over 85% of males who attempt suicide "succeed" the 1st time they try. I hope it is obvious why I put "succeed" in quotes. I don't feel that killing myself would actually be a measure if success, but rather a final and ultimate FAILURE. I do not want my life to end that way.I would just as soon pass away quietly in my sleep, a very happy and contented . . . *VERY* OLD man, if I can do that and actually have some quality of life better than what I have had in recent years.
Young, old, or in between, please, *TALK* about your real feelings in safe places such as this place. You are *NOT* going to cause someone to commit suicide because you are having a bad day. Promise.
Thank you for explaining all of that. As someone who is pretty against the media I never really thought about me saying that being a learned behavior from it. I think in my head it's more about respecting others hurts and not wanting people to read stuff about suicide if they haven't thought about it in a while? Which I guess doesn't make much sense on a website such as this especially in this community. I'm so sorry to hear about the things you've been through, I'm really glad you haven't killed yourself. I hope you wake up tomorrow and have the best day.
Fair enough it wouldn't trigger you but a post talking about suicide could trigger someone else, ok not to do it maybe but could start them thinking about it. I think it is better to be safe than sorry and I agree with the trigger warning on posts like this.
All it means is those who might be especially susceptical or maybe very young could avoid them.
I agree it's great to be able to talk about all feelings and this is what we should be doing. We don't get anywhere by bottling feelings up after all. x
I have multiple scenarios in my head, I pray to die of a natural death early, I do everything you just mentioned, but deep down I know I won’t act on them. I guess it is in a way an out that we have planned in our head to give us the illusion that we have control, because ppl with anxiety need control.
***Trigger Warning*** Suicidal 
TRIGGER WARNING VERY DARK - DID IT - 
Dark place, dark thoughts.
Struggling with obsessive thoughts (might be a trigger)
