Changes

[Koga]

Sometimes I feel like the depression isn’t going to show up for a whole day, and I really do my best to make it that way. I’ll feel OK for most of the day, but something little will happen like getting my sock a little wet or dropping something like a paper clip, and I just lose it. It’s gotten to where I’ll cry over something as insignificant as that, and I don’t know why. I can’t seem to stop and think about how unimportant whatever happened is, and how in two minutes when I fix the problem it won’t even affect anyone, including myself. I really just feel like I’m so sensitive now, more than I was before the depression.

A lot has happened in the last two years, some good but mostly bad things. Before it all happened, I was so energetic and bubbly, I made people laugh and I didn’t question the fact that people wanted to be around me. I’ve heard from most of the people I used to be friends with right before I moved away about how I really helped them get through tough times. I feel like I really made people happy, but now I can’t even make myself happy. I feel like after each obstacle, I lost a part of who I was.

In the beginning of the problems I felt pretty upset, but I thought I’d get through it. As things got worse I started losing energy, friends, sleep, reasons to get up in the morning, reasons to go to school, etc. I now have no clue who I am as a person, and have lost insight as to how other people perceive me. It really bothers me and I’ve no clue how to get back into being myself, or if I’m even able to do so. I feel bad for my one friend that’s stayed with me through the changes, for my old friends that don’t understand, and for my family that expects me to not have changed.

I don’t know what I expect to come out of posting this, maybe just venting.