I'm full of insecurity and self hatred

[IamnotAvery]

I'm currently a 20 year old college student in the Philippines, I found this site while searching on ways to deal with self hatred and I find it comforting that I can have my thoughts be shared and heard while I remain anonymous.

I honestly feel ashamed that I'm like this. I know that there are other people who have it worse than me, but I feel like this is the only way I can share my feelings without feeling like a nuisance. Mental Health is something that isn't openly talked about here in my country, a lot of people are still clueless about it.

But anyways, please allow me to share my story. It all started a year and a half ago, my favorite aunt has like a little memory problem and she really forgets things a lot more now. So whenever she messes up and say mean things without realizing it, my whole family would give her a pass. But she and the rest of my family (father side) were encouraging me to lose weight even when I was only 9 at 45kg (still 5ft tall), by saying that I was still the fattest amongst my cousins.

So for the past 9 years, all I've been hearing was "Avery lose more weight." "You'd be prettier if you lost a little more weight." "Why can't you be like her?" and all of it slowly got to me until a year and a half ago. I was overweight (Now I'm probably obese, I'm 5ft and I weigh around 90kg) and I am the fattest amongst my relatives. I was okay with that. I never had body issues and there were times where I even felt beautiful and confident.

It all changed while I was supposed to accompany my aunt to her doctor's appointment, I was busy with some school stuff and decided to eat lunch when I finished everything, so I ate at around 3, my FAVORITE aunt who saw me eating probably thought that I was having chicken and rice as a snack, told me that I'm a pig and I'm the ugliest amongst my generation and I will stay ugly unless I lost weight and I should finish faster because we were getting late for her appointment. Normally, I would laugh it off.

But... everything was building up you know? It wasn't the first time anybody said something like that to me, but it hurt me more because she was my favorite aunt. I had so many childhood memories with her that I loved. But now I can't even stand talking with her. I ran to the bathroom without finishing my meal and cried inside. I called my dad and told him that I want to go home and I could no longer accompany his sister because of what happened and he told me that it's ok and dropped the call. I stepped out of the bathroom and saw my aunt having 0 remorse on her face. A few minutes later my dad arrived and gave me a hug and scolded his sister for saying those things and told her to ask for my forgiveness, apparently after dropping the call he drove as fast as he could to get to where I was.

So that's what started my problem, after that day, my mind started to become more and more negative and I started to stay at home more.

But, it only got worse when I got to college. Around my freshman year, there was a girl who was raped and murdered nearby my dorm and I immediately felt scared for my friends' safety. Yes. My friends' safety, not mine. I thought that since I'm fat and ugly, no man would ever dare to rape me.

The murder went viral on facebook and I decided to share the article to one of the group chats with my group of friends in high school and I told them that I'm scared for them. One of them misunderstood, because they thought I was scared for myself. He told me "Don't worry, nobody would kidnap you since you're too heavy and nobody would rape you since you're too fat." It sucks to have your thoughts be confirmed like that. I couldn't even reply to what he said. I felt like shit afterwards.

So now, here I am, it's like 6 am, and I started writing this because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I had a hard time sleeping and I usually daydream about going on adventures filled with fantasy and magic and my crush. But all of the sudden, my thoughts whispered "Stop this fantasy, you'll never have a chance with him. You'll only stay as a friend that's it. He's dated an actress and he's only nice to you because you've been close ever since you were children. You're too fat for him." and then it started to spiral on there. "You're fat and ugly. Nobody is ever going to date you." "you'll never be good enough." and so on and so forth. It got to the point where I wanted to harm myself. I wanted to talk to my sister or a friend about it, but I didn't want to bother them with this problem since our finals are coming up. I don't want to be another thing that they have to constantly worry about. Maybe I'll tell them over christmas break.

But anyways that's it. I do hope nobody who knows me realises who I am by putting two and two together. I'm sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, I just wanted to share this to distract myself from hurting myself.

[NWGal]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You've had a lifetime of emotional abuse surrounding your appearance - and it become a vicious cycle, resulting in you feeling guilt and shame - and self hatred. That being said, what can we do about it? First - set personal boundaries. No longer will you tolerate the abusive behavior of those around you. Do positive activities to show that you love yourself. And positive self talk. Write down your positive attributes and read them everyday. Do you have access to mental health therapy in the Phillipines? I'd really suggest you start therapy to aid you in repairing all the damage done by others. These folks around you have done enough damage and it's time to take control of your life and not allow it anymore. This 64 year old has put up with that for years and finally said - enough is enough. I look forward to hearing more of your recovery journey!

[IamnotAvery in reply to NWGal]

Thank you for reading my story and making me feel better! I didn't think anyone would read it. We do have mental health therapy here in thw Philippines, but it's not very good and it's mostly limited to the capital of the country, where I'm far from.

Since we're a very religious country, depression and anxiety is mostly looked down upon on as well. They told me that it's because I don't pray hard enough or I don't have faith in God's plans and that I should pray more to be happy again.

Here in the Philippines, respecting your elders is everything, and the moment you try to explain your side, you're already talking back and considered to be disrespectful. That's what happened to me. I tried telling them that what they're saying to me is hurtful and painful. But they got mad and told me that they're only doing it for my own good, they're worried for my health, and they don't want others bullying me. But no one else is really bullying me... it's just them.

[AuraAethyr]

Some things I perceive from your story:

1) You are blessed to have a supportive dad who will not allow his sister to mistreat you.

2) Your country seems quite hung up on weight. If you could move to the US, especially Wisconsin, you would not be considered obese probably.

3) You're a beautiful person because you don't seem vengeful or bitter, even towards those who spew hatred and ugliness upon you over something shallow.

In my opinion, our bodies are merely the vehicles of our souls. It's important to take care of them so we can enjoy our lives more. However, it's no one else's business what you look like except your own. I hope you can distance yourself from people who are judgmental and negative. Go be your beautiful self and be happy! You deserve it!

[IamnotAvery in reply to AuraAethyr]

Thank you for reading it! I do want to be healthier and lose weight, but I want to do it in my own time. I'm doing it, slowly by taking one step at a time by reducing what I eat and I started walking more.

In regards to your points:

1. I love my dad a lot and I know he loves me too. He works hard everyday so I can go to college be comfortable and have everything that I could possibly need. Never has he commented on my weight or appearance and it's probably because he understand how I feels. My dad is pretty big too and since he's the eldest son of his family, he was the one left in charge of taking care of his older sister and I know that he gets ridiculed everyday and he never talks back against her. He follows the Filipino value of respecting your elders by heart. Seeing him yell at his older sister like that probably meant that it was the line for him. He didnt even get mad at her for making fun of his appearance, rather he got mad that she was making fun of mine.

2. Sadly, I don't have any plans in moving to US, but I do enjoy travelling to your country! The first time I genuinely felt beautiful was in your country when I was 9 years old! The two most beautiful girls I've seen in my whole life told me that they liked my tan skin and I looked pretty and gave me a rose! I could never forget that day.

3. Thank you! I don't want anybody else to feel what I feel, even if it were the people who said it to me.