Borderline Advice

[Solidrain]

So my brother has borderline personality disorder and it’s been really hard on my family. I’ve done my research and I try my best to be supportive, but recently I’ve been struggling because of what my brother has done.

My brother is in the middle of his transitioning (fTm) and wants to legally change his name. To do this in Canada, you need to pay around $160 with a Visa card. My brother doesn’t have a visa and so asked to use mine (and pay me back of course). I happily gave him permission and my Visa card details.

However, what he didn’t tell me at the time is that he wanted to change his last name too. And by doing so, cut himself off from my family. My parents have not been very supportive of the transition (for numerous reasons, a main one being the borderline and my brothers tendencies to copy whatever his friends are doing - a few of them are transitioning too), and my brother confessed to me that he now wants nothing to do with them. It makes me sad, I love my parents very much and it’s hard to see them painted in such a bad light. Also my other siblings are all very hurt too (I have three other sisters). They all say that if he goes through with the name change they will just pretend like my brother doesn’t exist.

They all want me to revoke my permission to use my visa to change his name. I personally don’t agree with the last name change, as that hurts me deeply too, but I don’t want to ruin my brother’s chance at completing another step in his transition. Part of me wonders if this is a part of the borderline, a sort of unintentional manipulation, but I’m not sure. I really don’t know what to do here, and I’m going home for the holidays soon and it’s making me very anxious. Any advice?

[NWGal]

Well my friend, my 64 years of experience tells me to revoke permission to use your Visa - for no other reason than you're on the hook if he runs the balance up and doesn't pay you back. I'd be up front about it with him. You can still support his decisions but can simply say it makes you very uncomfortable and anxious that someone else is able to use your card. It sounds like Christmas might be very contentious this year. Be sure to set boundaries and graciously retreat if things get upsetting for you. You might get lucky and no one will want to talk about the issue with your brother. Hope this helps!

[Solidrain in reply to NWGal]

You’re totally right, thanks for the advice! I hope Christmas is okay but sometimes you never know.

[sweetiepye]

Some thoughts I have about your situation. Use what is useful to you. You may be in a dammed if you do , dammed if you don't situation. If you give a gift , you have no right to a say in how it is used. In future make sure to list your restrictions. The name change will be hurtful to your parents but I doubt it will be permanent. Is it an in your face kind of action ? You should voice your opinion and nothing more. You all will be hurting so tread carefully. I hope all of you can treat each other with love and kindness. Being punative and angry will only alienate every one.