Help. How do I do this?: My boyfriend... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Help. How do I do this?


My boyfriend lost a very close relative to him just this past Sunday. He went MIA an entire day before he finally responded to me and told me what happened. Now that I know that this close relative was murdered, I’m trying really hard to be there for him. But he is not ready to talk to me or let me in. I want so badly to respect his wishes and give him time. But it’s hard not to take it personal because Im being pushed away, or to feel helpless when I know he’s hurting. He did tell me he appreciates me and knows Im there for him, but he’s not ready to talk to me. Thats the part that hurts. I thought I was a source of comfort. How do I put these feelings aside? How do I give space and not take it personal, and avoid feeling resentful about being shut out once he’s ready to talk? Has anyone been shut out by a grieving S.O.?

11 Replies

Remember this isn’t about you.It’s about your SO . He will grieve for a while and you will have plenty of time to comfort him. You can do this for him.We do these things for those. We love

Thank you. I think my insecurities are taking over and Im trying to get it under control before I give up. Im so used to being able to fix things... hes in so much pain and I cant fix this 😢

I understand. It is. difficult to see the one we love in pain, but he knows you are there.

He knows I am here, but at what point does it go from appreciation to taking me for granted?

Oshgosh in reply to ForwardBound

It’s a really hard one.

You have to let him know you’re there,but give him loads of space

ForwardBound in reply to Oshgosh

I just miss him, and I hate feeling helpless and on the outside. It makes me feel like I was never significant enough to be trusted for comfort.

I don't think this is about taking you for granted. This isn't about you , focus on him and how he is feeling. There is give and take in every relationship. Time for you to give right now. You are being----------. You fill in the blank.

Im trying NOT to feel selfish. Honestly, im out of my element here. I dont know Im supposed to be doing. Please understand, Im just frustrated because i want to do everything right, and to be what my heart tells me I should be. I have no experience in this at all. Logic doesnt apply here and im really struggling with what to do with myself while he hurts. Im not a selfish person, im quite the opposite. I miss him so much, and even moreso now that I cant comfort him.

Well, I don't want to be hard on you, I can tell you want to do the right thing. There probably isn't anything you can do right now except to leave him alone. He will come to you when he's ready. It is very difficult to do nothing and say nothing. That in itself is doing something for him. He will appreciate it when he's had time to think about it. So be sweet and wait.

I’ve read this and read your replies and I have felt the exact same feelings as you but in a different context.

It was a different scenario but someone very close to me had something major happen and they completely shut me (and others) out. Like you, I so desperately wanted to help. I knew I couldn’t ‘fix it’ - I would have if I could but I knew that wasn’t possible. However, not being able to ANYTHING at all, was hard. I cried a lot - both crying for them and their suffering but partly just crying because I missed them.

As time went on, I started to worry that I hadn’t been supportive enough in the past for them to trust me with this. Deep down, I knew that wasn’t true, but your mind makes you wonder.

Ultimately, when you love someone, feeling helpless is so difficult. You know it’s not about you and you know what they are feeling is ‘worse’ than what you’re experiencing but we are human and if we care about people, we can’t stop ourselves from feeling things too.

This isn’t personal and his not wanting to talk is no reflection on you, he’s probably still in a state of shock if this is recent. He will talk to you when he is ready, you just have to be patient. Sometimes, the more we try to help, the more we push them away.

You’re allowed to have your own feelings and that isn’t selfish but you do have to keep in mind that this isn’t about you. Just be there as best you can until he is ready.

Thank you both. Im glad I was able to express the craziness going on in my head and heart right now. Your words make me feel much better. I will be as patient as I can because yes, what he feels right now is far worse than anything Ive ever been through in life.

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