5 days

[sarahmcf]

I had five straight days of feeling good. I had five straight days of feeling loved, cared for, helpful, and useful. I’m currently laying in bed not being able to sleep because I can’t shut my mind off. I try to think of something else but then that turns negative. Everything I try to think about to distract myself ends up being another saddening or stressful thing.

I had previously mentioned my husband being bi polar and not treating his illness for the last few years. We have been together almost 11 years. We started dating when we were 15 and 16. In those 11 years inappropriate things with 11 different women have happened. This ranges from inappropriate or “too close” of friendships, sexting, kissing, and sleeping with two of them. Now most of this honestly happened in high school. A lot of the things I didn’t know when they happened, I’d find out later. He wasn’t diagnosed with bi polar till he was 20. I mentioned it to him when he was 17 and he got really upset and I never brought it up again until after we were married and had our first son.

After being diagnosed we went five years with no “inappropriate relationships” with others. We had our share of problems with being a young broke married couple with a baby living with his father but nothing like before.

Then we bought our house and had our daughter. That following 10 months we lost 7 loved ones. Grandparents and friends. I lost my last grandparent and two friends. One was someone I’ve known since I was a kid, we had grown distant but I still cared for him greatly. He bing himself. The other friend was apart of my wedding. She was one of my best friends for years. She moved across the country and we started talking a lot less. I talked to her 21 days before she died. She was shot in the face by police. There was a lot different components involved with her death. A lot of psychological issues. Her death actually broke me for awhile. It still hurts to think about her. That is what drove me to ever start therapy.

Back to the original story: He lost people. Has never really dealt with death of loved ones before. His grandfather died the day our daughter was born. It was a real mixed up time. In that time he stopped treating his mental illness, became severely depressed, and took up a very close relationship with a woman from work. He talked very frequently with this woman. In the middle of the night. Hid it from me. I could go on. The drama around this started in July and technically went on till February. Nothing physical ever happened. She never had eyes for him. I even reached out to her at one point. But he wouldn’t stop the behaviors even though they were hurting me until he simply did. We started to try and work past it.

Now his most recent indiscretion. Same time of thing. Started as a friendship at work, led to immense phone usage and hiding from me. Started talking about our marital issues(we were about to have our third kid). After our son was born I discovered this. Aired my feelings that it felt inappropriate as I had no idea who this woman is he only talked to her via Snapchat(which erases stuff) etc. then it ended up becoming like a little flirty relationship with talking about sexual things. Blow up fight 2 days before our 6 year anniversary. Stated he wouldn’t speak to her anymore and was remorseful. He went 5 days. We had gotten into an argument about helping with the kids(I was still 3 weeks post partum and we have 3 kids) I left the house and he immediately messaged her and it was different this time. Like it had progressed flirting became “I can’t wait to see you” and sexual innuendos went to borderline flirty sexting(not directly stating things but eluding that he was thinking about dirty things about her), he lied and left for work early one day but was really trying to see her for an hour before work but she didn’t end up showing. They recognized what they were doing was wrong but were going to do it anyway but still only thought it was a friendship. That’s not friendship. They painted me as a controlling manipulative shrew but they were doing wrong the whole time. 😔 Anyways.

Even bigger blow up fight. I left him with the kids and left for the whole day and went and talked to his mother who I am close with and she knows about our previous issues. I came home and we couldn’t talk. I couldn’t calmly talk to him. I simply just told him. It ends. He gets help. Or the kids and I leave. And since then half of that has been accomplished. He doesn’t talk to her and he is remorseful and all of that but he won’t go back to the doctor. He says he doesn’t have time(we have three kids he works third shift) but he needs to make time.

Sorry this is so long I just need to get this all out.

There is a women’s retreat that my sister wants me to go to. I am not going to go because the woman he cheated on me with in high school(who married my best friends brother and has spread numerous lies about me to my friends and family to cover up that she had sex with my boyfriend in HS- she has done all of that post high school) and he sisters will be there. Every girl that’s been involved in an unflattering relationship with him is always around. There is no escaping triggers or reminders to all the trauma. I see these people regularly around town or my sons school, or they are related to or friends with my friends. How do you move past terrible things that have been done to you when your consistently reminded of it. 😔

[BonnieSue]

Hi sarahmcf,

I'm so sorry that you're having these husband troubles and betrayals. I know it's very difficult and painful. Especially with 3 children, all fairly young. I wonder if you're still living with your husband right now? It sounds like you are. If so, I think you can see the results of your ultimatum: he's dropped the woman but hasn't resumed medical help. Great on the first count but not okay on the second.

Have you thought about this: how long will you remain in the home while he isn't complying with your requirements for staying? This is critical because his bipolar disorder is an instigator of his problem behavior...along with a lack of personal values. He needs to get it under control by a medical doctor and a counselor/therapist. Only then can he, if he's willing, reign in his sexual impulses and a whole host of other behaviors you probably don't like. If he thinks you won't stick to your ultimatum he will take advantage of you and you lose credibility forever. I am serious...he'll always remember that you didn't mean what you said.

You and he also need to go to couple's counseling to try to mend your relationship...when you're ready. Even if you think you can't afford this, you can't afford not to go. I can give you info on finding someone with reduced rates. But probably none of this will work if his bipolar disorder isn't under control. I am bipolar and I do know what I'm talking about. You can pm me if you want to talk more. I'll definitely get back to you as soon as I can.

Please take care of you, don't let yourself get lost in the confusion. You matter and being respected matters. How you feel is important here. Be firm with him but be loving and gentle with yourself, ok? This is a hard thing to do, a hard situation to be a part of.

Hugs, Love, and Blessings...🌿💝😋🦋🙏🥀🐬🍦💜

[Hidden]

How can you move past when it keeps happening and always will because, don't take this wrong, but you allow it. He gets to do it, gets caught and you are still there. Been there. I left. So much happier now and remarried.

[sarahmcf in reply to Hidden]

I’ve asked myself hundreds of times why I stay. I don’t feel trapped. I know I have options. I know I have places to go until I figure things out. I have just never reached my breaking point. I have never reached the point of this is it I can not be with him a minute longer. I know if I would have left in high school or after any other time I could have avoided so much pain but with the pain came love, passion, life experience and most importantly my three children. All of them were made from two people being in love. I think until now I thought love was enough that we could keep going and make it if there was still Love there that I had or could fix him. But now it is clear that I can’t fix him. I can support him but I can’t fix him. And love isn’t enough. We have been together 11 years and have 3 kids. They are still pretty young now but I know I don’t want them to experience these issues when they get older to understand what’s happening and to think it’s okay. I wouldn’t want my kids to act like my husband has or to be me and let them be treated like this as well.

[BonnieSue in reply to Hidden]

Oh, Mel, I'm so sorry that you went through what you did. AND...I'm sooo glad for you that you've found happiness!!! 🥰👍🙏🎶🐳🌹🏆💜

[Hidden in reply to BonnieSue]

Thank you. It was God's way of making me wait until my husband was available to meet me. Everything happens for a reason.

[BonnieSue in reply to Hidden]

OMGosh!! That's just like JEG and me! You are so right about God's timing! And it's perfect. We both had to be free and ready or it wouldn't have worked. I had given the whole business of finding someone over to God, and he did a fantastic job. Blessings to you and yours...

[Hidden in reply to BonnieSue]

Thx. That's why we walked down the isle to God Blessed the Broken Road, a country song you should check out if you haven't heard it.

[BonnieSue in reply to Hidden]

Will check it out! Thx.