I had five straight days of feeling good. I had five straight days of feeling loved, cared for, helpful, and useful. I’m currently laying in bed not being able to sleep because I can’t shut my mind off. I try to think of something else but then that turns negative. Everything I try to think about to distract myself ends up being another saddening or stressful thing.
I had previously mentioned my husband being bi polar and not treating his illness for the last few years. We have been together almost 11 years. We started dating when we were 15 and 16. In those 11 years inappropriate things with 11 different women have happened. This ranges from inappropriate or “too close” of friendships, sexting, kissing, and sleeping with two of them. Now most of this honestly happened in high school. A lot of the things I didn’t know when they happened, I’d find out later. He wasn’t diagnosed with bi polar till he was 20. I mentioned it to him when he was 17 and he got really upset and I never brought it up again until after we were married and had our first son.
After being diagnosed we went five years with no “inappropriate relationships” with others. We had our share of problems with being a young broke married couple with a baby living with his father but nothing like before.
Then we bought our house and had our daughter. That following 10 months we lost 7 loved ones. Grandparents and friends. I lost my last grandparent and two friends. One was someone I’ve known since I was a kid, we had grown distant but I still cared for him greatly. He bing himself. The other friend was apart of my wedding. She was one of my best friends for years. She moved across the country and we started talking a lot less. I talked to her 21 days before she died. She was shot in the face by police. There was a lot different components involved with her death. A lot of psychological issues. Her death actually broke me for awhile. It still hurts to think about her. That is what drove me to ever start therapy.
Back to the original story: He lost people. Has never really dealt with death of loved ones before. His grandfather died the day our daughter was born. It was a real mixed up time. In that time he stopped treating his mental illness, became severely depressed, and took up a very close relationship with a woman from work. He talked very frequently with this woman. In the middle of the night. Hid it from me. I could go on. The drama around this started in July and technically went on till February. Nothing physical ever happened. She never had eyes for him. I even reached out to her at one point. But he wouldn’t stop the behaviors even though they were hurting me until he simply did. We started to try and work past it.
Now his most recent indiscretion. Same time of thing. Started as a friendship at work, led to immense phone usage and hiding from me. Started talking about our marital issues(we were about to have our third kid). After our son was born I discovered this. Aired my feelings that it felt inappropriate as I had no idea who this woman is he only talked to her via Snapchat(which erases stuff) etc. then it ended up becoming like a little flirty relationship with talking about sexual things. Blow up fight 2 days before our 6 year anniversary. Stated he wouldn’t speak to her anymore and was remorseful. He went 5 days. We had gotten into an argument about helping with the kids(I was still 3 weeks post partum and we have 3 kids) I left the house and he immediately messaged her and it was different this time. Like it had progressed flirting became “I can’t wait to see you” and sexual innuendos went to borderline flirty sexting(not directly stating things but eluding that he was thinking about dirty things about her), he lied and left for work early one day but was really trying to see her for an hour before work but she didn’t end up showing. They recognized what they were doing was wrong but were going to do it anyway but still only thought it was a friendship. That’s not friendship. They painted me as a controlling manipulative shrew but they were doing wrong the whole time. 😔 Anyways.
Even bigger blow up fight. I left him with the kids and left for the whole day and went and talked to his mother who I am close with and she knows about our previous issues. I came home and we couldn’t talk. I couldn’t calmly talk to him. I simply just told him. It ends. He gets help. Or the kids and I leave. And since then half of that has been accomplished. He doesn’t talk to her and he is remorseful and all of that but he won’t go back to the doctor. He says he doesn’t have time(we have three kids he works third shift) but he needs to make time.
Sorry this is so long I just need to get this all out.
There is a women’s retreat that my sister wants me to go to. I am not going to go because the woman he cheated on me with in high school(who married my best friends brother and has spread numerous lies about me to my friends and family to cover up that she had sex with my boyfriend in HS- she has done all of that post high school) and he sisters will be there. Every girl that’s been involved in an unflattering relationship with him is always around. There is no escaping triggers or reminders to all the trauma. I see these people regularly around town or my sons school, or they are related to or friends with my friends. How do you move past terrible things that have been done to you when your consistently reminded of it. 😔
Getting a rhinoplasty (nose job) in 5 days. Anything I can do to tell myself I’ll be OK?
some days are easier than others 
Day before Yesterday 
Just gonna lay it out there…been crying all day. Bad depression.
My Husband died 5 months ago, and took the wind out of my sails
