Looking for guidance... lacking support

[TopGunGiraffe]

Some days feel like things are getting better and like I can take the world. Then, another day comes along and reminds me that I have mood and personality disorders that are taking over my life, with no one to talk to. My family doesn't believe in anything I am going through and believes I should be reprimanded or put in jail for my past use of alcohol and weed (which was legal where I was living nor did I touch any hard drugs). What they didn't realize is that I was drowning in sadness and depression. What they didn't realize was that I was practically crying out for help. I would just drink at the bar after work and Uber home. At the time, I was living with my parents who would call the police if I had any kind of mental break. I would go into panics (I took myself off high dosage meds once, then my dad took me off the insurance plan and I could no longer afford my meds) and my mother thought it would be a good idea to record my behavior, as proof of my "misbehaving." Instead of realizing that I was having panics and breakdowns. They often used this as leverage against me. I was 21 years old and alcohol had just become extremely accessible. I found something (not a healthy decision but my impulses did not care) that would make me forget, not only my sadness, but everything. I found something that made me funnier, carefree, and more open to making friends. I didn't think I was doing myself any harm. After a few episodes that I am not proud of, I took a break from drinking. This wasn't hard. My parents continued to harass me about getting into an in-patient program for alcohol. I had a 40-hour job, was saving up to move, and wanted to live a normal life WHILE getting the help i actually needed. I chose an out-patient program, Mon-Fri, 8am-2PM. It was our responsibility not to drink on the weekends, which I could accomplish since I worked these days and went straight home. My social life was deteriorating already, which didn't make it hard. My entire family decided that if I didn't enter a program for alcoholics, that they didn't want to help. My therapist told me she didn't think a program like this would be helpful for me, as they focus more on detox and a healthier lifestyle, and a little less on the CBT and DBT I needed. I wasn't going to put a band-aid on the troubles I was going through. I wasn't going to act like alcohol was my only problem. I was drinking for a reason. I wanted to find the reason behind that so I could tackle the bigger picture. All in one. This was viewed as me, "ignoring my problems" and not wanting to accept responsibility. I am fully responsible for the decisions I made and how I chose to cope. It was unhealthy and I had to get away from that mechanism. But it is also my responsibility to do what is best for ME, as I am the one whose mind is in constant disarray. I wanted help, but I wanted the right help. The full-extent. Not a band-aid. I moved across the country with my boyfriend and I'm not sure that was the smartest thing to do as we both have a LOT of things we need to work on. My friends back home are fading. My family has their own ideas of what my life should look like. One of my brothers tells me that I'm not going through anything I have not put myself through. As if every one of my traumas came out of the womb with me. They don't get to know me or the things I have been through. My parents won't open their eyes to see that my bring-up was not normal or conventional. I don't blame them because they did the best they could, but the least they could do is admit they could have done better emotionally and mentally. I am now actively trying to create a better life for myself but I am in a constant dark mindset. I preach positivism but I swear my brain is just black, dark, and foggy, with no light in sight. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone and so empty. My bones feel hollow and the blood running through my veins feels cold. I am constantly anxious and vomiting. I eat about once a day, maybe twice. I lack energy and my personality.I lack a lot of love for myself. I am lacking hope. Looking for guidance..

[BonnieSue]

Wow.

Hi TGG,

You seem to need help with your depression most of all at this time. Do you agree? You've told about a lot of problems but you have to start somewhere, not everywhere. Healing will take time, plenty of time. And you have my sympathy because I do know what it's like for other people to not understand your depression or anxiety.

I'm sorry that you don't seem to have any solid support from family or friends. Here is a place you WILL find us able to understand you. There will be other people here who will listen to you, not think you're real weird or crazy. Just dealing with depression and anxiety. And maybe alcohol still, idk.

Are you seeing a doctor for anything? Are you on any meds? I can recommend that you take any meds and vitamins that you are on. Try to eat as best and healthy as you can. Vomiting daily sounds like an issue for a doctor. But if the cause is psychiatric, that doctor needs to be a psychiatrist. Do you have any way to see a doctor?

If you need to talk you are welcome to pm me. I'll do my best to listen without prejudice. I'm here for you and there will be others who say or do the same. You can always ask. Take care...you are worth the trouble of working to feel better!!

Hugs, Love, and Blessings...🌿🌝👍🕊💕🐬💜

[Weirdgorl]

I understand that feeling. Toxicity in your environment has a lot to do with the way you feel. Are you safe do you feel safe? Are you getting enough protein and drinking enough water that’s really important too it will help. Good luck. 🦋 sending prayers

[Faithandhope4]

Hello TGG,

Don't know if it helps, but I can relate to the vomiting and having difficulty eating part. I have MDD, GAD, and PTSD (like you). The not eating part lasted about 4 months, then I all of a sudden thought about what I was told that I needed to nourish my brain to help myself. It was still difficult, and I started off eating spoonfulls of peanut butter since it had protein and calories. Then I just ate anything I could get down like a shake or candy bar; its like it prepped my stomach to get ready for real food. Then I started eating again and slowly added healthier options. However, on those dark days, i don't fight myself , I just eat whatever I can and don't worry about the type of food. If I vomit I vomit, then I seem to be able to move on and feel a little better and can usually eat at the next meal even though it can be difficult.

Your sentence " I lack energy and my personality.I lack a lot of love for myself. I am lacking hope. " seems like you read my mind on most days. The days I do better is when I realize this is just me, all of our personalities change regardless of who we are. It is more drastic and magnified for us no doubt, but it helps when I reinforce that and stop trying to "be who I was".

You seem like a care giver, who wants to help people, and cares so much about others. Our personalities make it difficult to be okay with being the ones receiving help. However, we would do the same thing for anyone else, so its okay for us to receive help in any capacity. That help doesn't always feel like its making a difference, but in time it will. With you in pushing through hourly. Thank you for sharing openly.