I woke up this morning like on most days, wishing I could stay asleep. I really don't like waking up. I felt the sleep leave me and my conscious mind kick in and there was simultaneous melancholy for sleep's departure. I actually miss being unconscious. So, as I started to move and notice that I had wakened just before my phone chimed, I ran my feet back and forth under the sheets and felt that the changing weather had kept them cool around the warmth of my body. The morning light was passing into the room through the closed Venetian blinds like a backlight from a cell phone. Funny how these days that can be a description everyone understands. I've been out of work for a while because I was very close to breakdown some months ago and I've just checked out of the world basically. I'm just tired of living between caring too much and not giving a flying f**K. Still, I was grateful to be waking up with the sun. That was one of my goals, in my many attempts at internet success, but in my imagination, money was no object, and honestly sitting here now, it still isn't. It really isn't about money. It's about having peace of mind (which I rarely have), and we equate that with wealth. So yeah I'm pretty piss poor when it comes to cash flow right now, but I woke up with the light of day, so let's say two out of three ain't bad. I found myself just letting go and noticing things as I did them. Usually, I'm so wound up in my own head auto-correcting nearly every thought as it comes to me that it was a welcome change just to...well...live. The rub in that is that during life I think about death a LOT. I do things on a daily that will one day catch up to me. I thought about high blood pressure as I added salt to my eggs. I thought of diabetes as I added sugar to my tea. I thought of high cholesterol as I put "I can't believe it's not butter" on my day-old IHOP pancakes. Then thought that the ingredients in butter you can't believe in probably kills people. I literally watched the pot of water boil for my eggs. I noticed how the bubbles formed on the bottom from the constant heat of the burner from the electric stove and understood how writers liken it to anger. The concept of small pockets of energy suppressed under liquid, multiplying from the heat's intensity until they rise up and burst out to their freedom as vapors in the cool air; that made sense, as they left beautiful little streams across the water like a shower of tiny falling stars. I'm fortunate to live in a house in the suburbs, very near a protected piece of land so there's quite a bit of animal life around. As I opened the back door, I breathed in the brisk morning and smiled a little as I heard the birds singing and squirrels munching in the distance, and I closed my eyes to feel the sun touch my eyelids as it rose above the treeline. I sat in my rocking chair and ate my eggs in silence just noticing things around me. Like how the garden I had planted in the spring was now changing into it's ending phase. Once vibrant and bountiful, now wilted and closer to the color of the earth it would eventually go back to. I drank my tea and let the mix of gratitude, joy, and sadness work their way through me. I could feel the emotions welling up in my heart as the tears welled up in my eyes. I let them work their way up until a single tear I felt fall down my cheek and into my sweatshirt, and then I collected myself and cleared the table of the empty egg bowl and cold pancakes covered with unbelievable butter.
With Love Always...AU
Sleeping too much then nothing at all
Too much to list
It's becoming too much for me
My darkness is too much for most people
