Would appreciate your thoughts

I think this is my third day on this site. I've found it helpful and appreciate the replies. I have been treated for depression for a very long time. For the most part, meds have allowed me to live a "normal" life. Getting to the root of the problem now and feel a need to explain myself to those around me - family, friends, acquaintances.

I'll try to make this short and easy to follow. I have very little memories of my childhood until age 11. I know that my family moved from state to state frequently - one year we lived in three states is what I've been told. I never went to the same school for more than a year, usually less. My father is the most unkind person I've ever met. I know my mother lived with us but have no memories of any kind of affection, attention, time spent together, no feeling loved. My brother is about a year younger and very much like my father. We always despised each other. We moved again soon after I turned 11. The street we moved to was a cul de sac, about 10 homes and there were three girls within a year of my age. They became my first friends. We did move about a year later but I would see them on occasion.

I don't have healthy relationships. Making friends, meeting new people, spending time with people, it was all awkward. It still is today. I have friends and family that I care for but have always felt alone, like I didn't belong. Over the past 10 - 15 years, I've become increasingly desperate to change. I have a niece who I adore and I can't bring myself to call her. When I run into friends, acquaintances, coworkers, I always say we need to get together some time soon. I never follow through. I have a dear friend who has been moved to a nursing home and I can't call or see him.

My need to explain, to change is always on my mind. I started with a new therapist in February, specifically to overcome my issues. We started digging into my past and not long after, I started becoming extremely emotional, crying easily, isolating more, no energy, no interest, feeling overwhelmed. Hospitalization and med adjustments helped briefly.

I feel so sad and fear dying before I become well. I want to text my feelings to my closest friends and family. I don't know what they think the reason is for my lack of connection. Most know that I've always been treated for depression. I want them to understand that I do care deeply about each of them, that I think of them often, and that I am working on this. I don't want anyone to think I'm being insincere or looking for sympathy. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Giraffe2]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this (and have been for some time).

I’m sorry I’m no expert, so I may be no help at all. But, I think even if your family and friends don’t know the reasons behind your actions, they still love you and worry about your well being. Could you write them a short (very short) letter? Or even a text? Saying just what you stated above. Say you care deeply about them, you think of them often, and you are working on yourself so that you can express that more/the way you’d like to? I think they’d love to hear from you and they would be very understanding, and probably helpful.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you can do it! Sending you hugs.

[Hidden in reply to Giraffe2]

Thank you. I appreciate your reply. Hugs back.