DEBATING MOVING ON FROM A FRIENDSHIP AND WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR FEEDBACK

[MrZee]

Greetings all,

I’m vacillating back and forth with thinking of letting go of a long term friendship with someone.

A bit of some background... I’m a laid back person. With my social anxiety all my life I’ve never been a “joiner” yet I do have a handful of a few good friends. A good friend to me is someone who understands and lets me be myself and vice versa.

Two decades ago I was different and deeply struggled with my esteem and felt defective. I would compare my misgivings with people that seemed quite accomplished in life. But thanks to my years of therapy, I’ve learned there’s nothing wrong with what I am and feel good about that. I now have a lot of gratitude in life.

I have a “friend” of perhaps 20 years or so where we have occasionally stayed in touch. We would laugh a lot together and just shoot the breeze. Here’s my challenge, though he’s a nice person and means well, I feel like it’s time to move on. This person brags a lot about his accomplishments either materially or vocationally. Plus he’s very into The Holidays and for years always texted me pictures of his XMAS tree, wrapped gifts, and decorations around the house. Personally I find bragging to be a turn off and shallow. Once again like clockwork, this year a few days before XMAS he texts me his annual decor pix. Finally I kindly told him, “I need to let you know I’m not into the Holidays. Nothing against them...I’m just not into them. Please respect me for that.” Of course he had a flotilla of questions why and I kindly kept saying that I’m not into the Holidays and there are many others like me. He didn’t understand at all but indicated he respected who I am around that.

Today, my phone buzzes and he sent me a bunch more of XMAS pix and a video of his Christmas party. I just deleted them.

And here’s the challenge, I’ve changed over the years. I no longer care to mingle with shallow people nor be around those who brag. Which leads me to my quandary...do I let this friendship go? I’m leaning towards yes but at the same time I do not want to cause him any hurt. I’ve no judgements as to who/what he is, but we’re quite different now. I feel like I’ve grown out of the friendship.

Letting go sometimes is a difficult decision. Yet for my continued growth of self acceptance it feels necessary at times.

I welcome your feedback.

Thanks much,

-MZ

[mtnee]

I can see how this could be a hard decision. On the one hand, you've changed. On the other hand, friends are hard to find. Many of us on this site wish we had friends. My thought is if he isn't doing anything seriously wrong, what's the harm in keeping a friend? I had a friend once that sometimes didn't understand and seemed shallow. Another friend gave me some good advice: take the friendship for what it's worth. I did that. I knew not to expect better from that person. Yet I found I could still enjoy her company. So try taking the friendship for what it's worth? Maybe not a best friend, but still a friend?

[MrZee in reply to mtnee]

I hear you and thank you. Good advice your friend gave you.

If I choose to continue this friendship all it will be about is his bragging. When I’m around those that brag and have no depth whatsoever it both bores and depresses me. Why should I allow myself that? Getting together and always feeling worse afterwards? There just seems to be nothing left for me to cherish from this friendship.

I really care to be around those who mutually nourish a friendship.

Best,

MZ

[Downandout123 in reply to MrZee]

I think you just answered your own question MZ.

[Dolphin14]

If this person has been sending Christmas photos for years it's going to be a big change for him. It's going to be confusing for him. So, you have to give him time to adjust. Maybe he thought you enjoyed them? I had someone show me pictures of their 7 Xmas trees. I didn't take it as bragging, she was very excited about her decorating.

There has to be more he's doing wrong? What makes him shallow?

We do out grow friend ships. I would try cutting back on communication. But, I would also tell him you've changed a lot. That you look at life differently now. Give him the benefit of trying to understand that before you cut ties.

[MrZee in reply to Dolphin14]

Hi Dolphin14,

I hear you... and thank you.

I feel like I have been giving him some time to adjust. Over the years also aside from XMAS all he does is brag about the fancy trips to exotic places he’s gone (sends a ton of pix of that) or the latest house he and his partner have bought and restored or their latest new car and so on. No depth whatsoever. He never asks how I’m doing. Nor listens to anything that I share going on in my life. I don’t have anything to brag about. Nor do I care to. That’s just not my style. And so on. It’s always about him. It all seems unbalanced.

It’s so different from the few other good friends I have... with them we talk; listen to each other; and are a supportive shoulder for each other’s trials and tribulations. It’s very real and I like that a lot.

Anyway thanks again for your words and caring.

-MZ

[Dolphin14 in reply to MrZee]

Ok, I see a clearer picture now. Working on ourselves does change what we tolerate. I can't tolerate people putting others down, dysfunctional behavior. I tend to stay away from those people.

I have a friend that's " all about her" I just accept her as she is

You know the best thing to do. Follow your gut. It's ok to let go of people. Even as we get older relationships change, done just fizzle out.

[MrZee in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you Dolphin14 ... you hear me. I appreciate that. ❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14]

I agree, follow your gut, Mr. Zee.

[fauxartist]

This person is obviously more of an acquaintance, and certainly not listening to your request to respect you not being into the holiday extravaganza stuff. So...I don't think it's a great loss to just delete his photos and leave it at that. I don't think if he is really in your life much at all that it's just as easy to side stepping any interaction would be a big issue for this person.

[MrZee in reply to fauxartist]

Yes, well said. Aside from deleting the photos, I’m cooling my jets and just quietly keeping my distance. If he’s not in touch, no big loss on my end. On the other hand, if he remains in touch and constantly parades the boasting and bragging then I’ll kindly speak up.

[Billsfriend]

Some people just can't accept or benefit from Feedback- My wife is one.

Perhaps you could reframe his Bragging as trying to impress and attract you.

I have learned that my best course of action is not to take things personally, to reframe them, and not let them bother me in the first place.

It requires Belief that you can do it.

Practice when things come up

Acceptance of inevitable failures

Appreciation of your successes

I hope you can see that this will work, If you can, Then it WILL work.

[MrZee in reply to Billsfriend]

Thank you Billsfriend for the kind reply. That is wonderful feedback and helps to give me some thoughtful perspective. I truly appreciate that.

[bridder01]

Hey Z-Man! 😀. There are times we outgrow relationships. If the relationship is no longer beneficial, then it's time to move on. It's hard to be sure, but that's the nature of life. Things change, and we change along with them. Keep rockin ' ☺

Your pal,

Brian ☺

[MrZee in reply to bridder01]

Thank you for your support and truly listening to my post. I sincerely appreciate that.

[bridder01 in reply to MrZee]

Anytime! You're a cool dude, and we need more like you around here ☺

[Billsfriend]

Wow, so glad to hear that, I'm really struggling today, and was looking for a ray of Sunshine.

[UnderstandingMyPain]

Letting go is difficult. Have you ever talked to him about how he might come off sometimes?

[MrZee in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

For now I’m cooling my jets and keeping some distance. Next time we chat and he goes off on his non-stop bragging then it will be time for me to talk. If he doesn’t get at all where I’m coming from then that will be the sign to move in.

At this point I feel sorry for him. Obviously he has some deep rooted pain and masks that with material possessions. Makes me sad to know that. But I’m grateful to have the awareness of that without feeling any resentment.

Thank you for your reply ❤️ -MZ

[UnderstandingMyPain]

Oops Mr. Zee I did see you did talk with him sorry, I wouldn’t say let go of the friendship. Distance is okay. If he has been a great Friend don’t just end it bc of his personality. There was something there of his character that made the both of you friends to begin with