Having a terrible time but acting normal

[Kat63]

I haven’t been able to get here consistently because of work. I’ve been able to handle things (as in, pretending I’m OK) but I’m really not OK. I’ve been having all kinds of realizations about my childhood and my behaviors, and I feel terrible. A lot of it is grief over the way my life has gone (which might have been preventable) and there’s some shame about my past behavior, too. They say it’s good to get insights and realizations, but so far, it’s just making me feel worse. I just want these feelings to stop.

[jocie609]

Welcome back Kat63, I missed you! Anyway I can completely understand how you feel because when I work through my stuff after pretending for so long, I feel worse before I feel better. I am learning that I have to show myself some grace which is hard because I dont know how. I had a heated discussion with my "adopted daughter" and she shared with me some aspects of myself that I know are there yet it doesnt feel good to acknowledge that. Join the club hunny!

[Starrlight]

This is strange, I too have been thinking that way, about what has become of my life what I was like in the past, all different angles of reality I’m shifting through to try to get direction, peace, something. I don’t really talk much to people about my struggles either; trying to be ok. Depressed yet I’m hanging onto that anxiety as well. I think to myself Kat and I should make sure we don’t beat up on ourselves. I know I do that to myself. I feel for you. It hurts but I’m thinking well it may seem better as we heal more. I think it will taper off, the things we are thinking about now, Hopefully there are sunnier days ahead. And then there’s the worrying about that future. Trying to make some sunshine 🌞 ❤️

[Hidden]

I get that way sometimes after meditating. The awareness that I gain from doing it is nice but I usually end up becoming a little more cynical about myself, my behaviors and wondering why I am the way I am. Grief is a good word to use because I often feel like my life could be so much more than what I've let it turn out to be. Hope you're able to feel more positive about things soon.

[stanislavski66]

I think that highly anxious people often mix up cause and effect. In many cases it's not old memories, feelings of shame and guilt that bring on your anxiety (though they do intensify it) It's the other way around: feeling tense and progressively more anxious causes our mind to dwell on and ruminate on negative emotions. - be they from the past or be they fear of the future. You'll notice that as soon as your anxiety lifts, those thoughts either disappear or lose their potency and threatening content

[Need2feelbetter2 in reply to stanislavski66]

I hope you dont mind that I jump in on this post. I find myself thinking about the past alot. Lost loved ones, relationships gone wrong, and a lot of guilt. I am worried and anxious about the future what if I never come out of this depression. And it just keeps going. I can think of one subject - doesnt matter what it is and al of a sud

Den I'm right back in the past. Somet

Something negative or fast forwarded to the future to something negative or

Scary. Has anyone ever felt this way

? I'm so tired of living in this

Dark place I've lost my purpose. People say it will come back when the depression lifts. But what if it doesnt lift?? I'm so tired

Of feeling so helpless and hopeless. I dont even know what life looks like without depression anxiety and then that scares me too. I'm so sick of this vicious circle and this hideous illness.

[Kat63 in reply to Need2feelbetter2]

I actually got a little respite. I felt pretty good from Friday night on through the weekend. It was a good weekend.

Then I found out Ric Ocasek died. That hurts. It hasn’t totally dragged my mood back to the dark place it was in when I wrote the original post. But it has dampened my spirits.