Lethargic rant in general

[jembella-]

It all feels so mundane and crap really. I still live with my mum and stepdad, stepbrother with mental disability.

I should be somewhere else but instead I'm stuck feeling like a lost kid unable to kickstart any kind of motivation to change. I'm expected to well be an adult I guess, as adults should behave with proper responsibilities. I slack in that department.

Mostly I'm lonely in my mind, a bit selfish and not sure if I'm ever just going to end up with a normal sleeping pattern, a job that I can do without a mental breakdown and to just be brave and to get on with my life.

it's a constant fight and it wears me out. Only I can be that catalyst for change and yet I struggle each and every day to find a reason to get out of bed. It's stupidly infuriating.

I did 100 squats everyday for a month and just starting to fall back on that.

Mostly I game online to escape my head, it isn't much fun anymore but it stops me from far worse scenarios.

I have a boyfriend of 16 months now who is independent, supportive and in a much more secure mindset. I'm on 40 Prozac a day to stop me crying all of the time, in fact I mostly can't. More of a numb interchangeable mood that changes each and every day.

I'm on esa for now and on a waiting list for intensive CBT therapy / counselling with talking changes, the waiting list is 8+ months.

I've done more in the past 2 or so years that I've been with my boyfriend than I ever did in 10 years or so. (Left school at 15 with Gcse's before the Rules changed)

[Dolphin14]

You must be happy with your boyfriend if you have had two good years.

That means you can enjoy life.

Hopefully when you get into CBT it will help you.

[jembella- in reply to Dolphin14]

partly. some aspects are great others..insert a big abyss of hell lol. not relating to him just mentally tiring. its odd

[Dolphin14 in reply to jembella-]

I hope the cbt helps

[JohnPB]

You have and are going through so many difficulties. Good for you doing the squats to get some exercise. Being in our head can definitely be a lonely place.

[jembella- in reply to JohnPB]

Thanks. Yes especially when many just don't understand. It's not like I'm not thankful that I currently have a support system, I am just always continuously thinking about the past and what if's. Mostly down to a traumatic childhood but when is enough, enough... It just spirals really.