My life up to this point...

Last night I had a dream where I was in some kind of building I've never been to before and there i was sitting in a chair with this room filled with people,but they wouldn't just any people, to my left where I was sitting was my best friend from 6th grade to freshman year in high school before he moved away, but he became more popular in freshman year then me but his friends picked on me from time to time I don't know if he noticed or not so I don't want to make him sound like a bad guy, because he may think he was just joking with them towards me but they weren't joking they where dicks. I wasn't picked on everyday by them, just once in a while. But I didn't find it funny I couldn't say anything to him because my anxiety got the best of me, and he was a great guy when I knew him in middle school. Then I saw a girl I liked when I was in middle school in my dream she walked passed me and asked how I've been and then she walked away. This girl knew I liked her because my best friend was friends with her,and he asked me if I like her I said yes so he turned to her and told her. She smiled. Nothing ever came from that after. I think she smiled to be nice, not because she was happy it was me. Yea I mean what girl wants to be with me. Whatever anyway this dream had more people but I can't remember their faces now idk. I have been reflecting on my life up to this point,because I'm turning 28 on the 24th of this month. And I look back and I have nothing to show for it. I'm kinda calm with anxiety at the moment let's see how long that lasts,but I'm feeling kinda down. I always wish I met someone, I suppressed that feeling in me. Because how can I be in a relationship. I know I'd try my best to make her happy. But it's just not possible for me. I'm not trying to sound pathetic or attention seeking because I have intrusive thoughts with anxiety among other things. And my mind gets thoughts that make me feel bad. And a thought pops in my head saying "I just want attention." When all I want to do is get my feelings out but then the bully in my head messes with me,damn over thinking it takes a toll on you all these years. Thank you to anyone who read my story. God Bless.

[Hidden]

You’re so mean to yourself, there’s no specific age where we’re supposedly have to accomplish things it’s different for everyone some people don’t find themselves until they’re 40, a lady graduated college at 70 and me well I’m still trying to find my purpose. Try to see the good things about yourself we all have it put effort into that instead of feeding the negative feed the positive. I’ll start with the positive,based on your replies and post you’re a great listener you’re caring and compassionate

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Wow that was really nice for you to say. I always pick out my flaws and I kinda don't really notice the good about me,if any. Because I start thinking positive about myself and then all these negative thoughts hit me out of nowhere. But thank you! Seriously!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

can you tell me something positive about yourself something that you like, I listed mine now it’s your turn

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

OK I like about my self that I'm really understanding about anything I like to believe I have a big heart. I also like i want to try to help others.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

🤗 🌻💛 you did great, having a big heart, being understanding and not selfish are qualities of an amazing human being

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I think your an amazing human being too. For taking the time to talk to me. I really do appreciate that!

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Unfortunately, before I could have a loving relationship with another, a number of changes had to be made. First I had to get to know myself (positive and negative) and talk those thing out, honestly, with another person. Then I had to learn to like myself. Then learn to love myself. Once I learned to love myself, I was able to love someone else. It was a BIG effin job, but worth it. You are worth it. Acceptance of who and what I am today, is very important. And if I am thinking I’m all negative traits, I’m lying to myself and can’t see Forrest for the trees.

[Hidden in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Your right I have to try to love myself I'll really start to try to do that. But it's hard with all the darkness in my head with anxiety and over thinking and picking out my flaws. Sometimes my emotions feel numb idk if that's a good or bad thing. But I have to love myself I know. Thank you!

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Hidden]

What I call my “default mode” goes something like this:

Wake me up from a sound sleep and ask me what are my defects. I’ll give you 25 without a breath. In the same scenario, ask me what my assets are and I’ll have to have a cup of coffee, sit and ponder for an hour and then maybe come up with two.

Like I said, it’s a process of self honesty, learning to accept and like me before I could love me. I wanted to skip that process and go immediately to self love. Affirmations didn’t work for me. I couldn’t think my way into good results, I have to act my way into good results.

[Hidden in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Yea it definitely is a process. I have to work on. It's tough because I'm not that consistant when the thoughts get to much I kinda give up I don't want to give up it just kinda happens with stuff idk. But it's something I have to stick with and try. But thank you for taking your time with helpful advice!

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Hidden]

I know how hard it is to change when nothing in you gives a damn. Sometimes the best I can do is breathe.