Coffee

[Earthmuffin]

First time writing. This is a strong TRIGGER WARNING, I am not ok today. But I need to share it.

I wake up to the sounds of birds singing on a beautiful plot of land, surrounded by woods, where I am usually most happy. The sun rises through my back window and I cry. I haven't slept more than an hour or two at a time in months.

It's like opening a flood gate. As soon as the tears start they go for hours and my mind races a mile a minute. "I am not ok and that's ok," I tell myself "It is ok to not feel ok. But I have to get up. I have to do something."

One foot after the other until I reach the coffee maker. I wash a round of dishes. Anything to distract my mind but the tears just won't stop.

"I should reach out to someone." I tell myself. But its 7am and they all have jobs. I don't want to ruin anyone's day and my therapist never called me back. Now my mind is screaming. 'You're almost 28 and you can barely even make a cup of coffee without shaking. You have $80 in your bank account and every time you try to apply for a job you cry for 3 hours straight. You're in debt 10k from college loans and you haven't worked in 8 months. What a pathetic, pitiful waste of space. Look at all of the other people with a mental illness, at least they're going through the motions of life. At least they're putting in an effort.'

But I am trying, I whisper.

I am trying SO hard.

I'm always tired. I can barely ever think straight. I cry at the smallest things. I've all but lost my ability to stand on my own two feet.

I feel like I'm drowning. Caught under a wave that just won't end.

I write constantly. I wish I knew what to do with it. I wish it could be more than just sad poems and descriptions of depression. I wish it could earn my living.

I wish that when I said "I'm trying my best" it looked like someone else's. But for now all I can manage is a pot of coffee.

I just want to sleep.

This is messy. I'm sorry.

[AlLeYkAt86-]

I find myself writing daily now in a journal, diary, commonplace book, whatever you want to call it. Most of it is descriptions of how I'm feeling, but some of it I'm trying to twist into little stories. Breaking down the different emotions into separate characters and even twisting the world they live in with the world I have to live inside my head and my heart.

[Earthmuffin in reply to AlLeYkAt86-]

Do you ever share them? I'd love to read one.

[AlLeYkAt86- in reply to Earthmuffin]

I don't. They just kind of sit in a book, changing or not changing as I do or don't.

[mrmonk]

Welcome to this HealthUnlocked community, Muffin; I'm glad you reached out here -- it takes a lot of strength to step forward and share in this way. It takes strength to get up, despite emotional pain. It takes strength to do some dishes, make coffee when all energy is siphoned by sleeplessness and depression.

It may not feel this way right now, but you are strong. You've nothing to be sorry for -- you are trying your best and that is enough.

For some, just to be still is enough.

Writing (in whatever form) is often a catharsis, so I suspect yours already serves such a purpose. I hope you'll continue to share posts like this one with the community, and (should you feel comfortable doing so) some of your poetry, too; I particularly love reading poems posted in the forum.

Take care and be well.

[Earthmuffin in reply to mrmonk]

Thank you so much for your kind words❤