Ramblings.

[ohgeeitsme]

Life is strange these days. I don't really feel connected to it anymore. It's not entirely derealization, just an altered reality. Of course, one could argue that reality doesn't even really exist, and is merely agreed upon hallucinations or interpretations, but we'll not get into that now. It's not disassociating either, as I still feel connected to myself, maybe even more so. I'm now living 90% of every day with my perception visually distorted. Often, trying to focus on images and people is like being in a Hitchcock shot. It feels like my eyes should be bloodshot, but they only are if I've been without sleep for days. It's both unsettling, yet intriguing. I haven't detached from what we call reality, but I have detached from the world around me, mainly the people. I don't hate people, or feel better than. In fact, especially one on one, I actually like most people I talk to. Group settings are becoming more unbearable, though. It's not because I feel awkward, it's because it's when that feeling of detachment is at its strongest. When the thoughts and ideas of others and group conversation causes an even stronger sense of isolation. Not always. But often. I care for people, genuinely love them, but it's almost impossible to get truly close to anyone, and yes, it does get lonely, and I am alone, just not how people think. It's frustrating, because people are always trying to get close to me, and always feel more close to me than I do them. People like me, they want me around. But I just don't know how to let them in. So it's a fault within myself, not others. Most wouldn't even know I'm depressed or anxious. I'm always laughing and making jokes, and seem to be friends with everyone. And when I'm not in a good mood, people just assume it's my usual bout of sleep deprivation.

Every day is a series of waves, but come on like clockwork. Same emotions, same time. It's like the sun has complete control over every thought and whatever emotion accompanies it. Fleeting moments of almost euphoric gittiness, followed by anxiety laced dysphoria and suicidal ideation. If I seem like I'm in a good mood, I'm not faking it, I am. If an hour later, I seem distant, you're seeing me at my current baseline.

As much as I hate going to work, and want to leave when I'm there, it forces me to leave my mind half of the week, therefore giving me just enough human interraction to not completely lose my mind. I rarely hang out with anyone anymore, even though I somehow still get invited regularly after years of not following through. Guys still ask me on dates all the time, but I've completely stopped dating, stopped looking. I simply can't spend a lot of time with anyone, no matter how much I enjoy their company. There is a very specific kind of relationship that suits me, and I don't have the energy to seek it out. Casual, but with depth, but not the kind of depth that complicates nor smothers. I know it exists but I have absolutely no energy to search for it anymore. I've tried, but every guy I've tried to only casually date wants to spend every second together and although I'm very honest from the beginning that I don't want anything serious, it always becomes a problem early on. I guess I've always used sex and men's attraction toward me as a fun escape, and one that worked, but now I don't even have the strength to keep that part of my life going. I haven't had sex in over a year, and often times the desire is so uncomfortably strong, that I can't even sit still.

I don't know. I'm more exhausted than usual these days. Stress is crippling. Years of anxiety induced avoidance has made the obstacles in front of me incredibly overwhelming. My own pain has reached such an intensity, I often times feel like I cannot live with it anymore. Breathing is difficult and the pressure on my chest is painful. I have tried, for years, to do all I can. I started eating healthy, exercising, meditating, all of it. Does it help? Yes, but it doesn't cure it. My anxiety is what fuels most of my pain, the avoidance it causes is what has created this unfulfilled life I'm now living, which started a depression that is battling with the anxiety over which is going to kill me first. I avoid what makes me anxious, this includes responsibilities and social interactions. I then get so far behind on everything, it gets so overwhelming that it makes me more anxious, and I avoid it even more. I've been miserable for 8 years now, unhappy for even longer. The isolation keeps growing worse. If it weren't for work, I would never leave my apartment. I want to die. I know this. Recently, I've lost my mother, uncle, and grandfather so I feel like suicide is currently out of the question. I simply can't do that to my family right now. The thing is, about a year ago, I made the decision to die, and the peace and euphoria I felt from that was out of this world. I no longer felt anxious. I felt good, calm, happy. Then I got the call that my mom had cancer, a week later, my grandmother found my uncle dead. She moved in with him after my grandfather died. I knew I couldn't end my life anymore. It would just be too much for my family. When I realized this, all those negative feelings came rushing back times a million because now I lost even more people in my life. There's so much I want to say, but I've already written enough. I've learned not to bother those I know with these problems. Keep your pain to yourself, or you will drive people even further away. People say they want you to reach out if you ever need anyone, but it's rare that it's actually true. I reached out so many times in the past but it's always made me feel worse, for various reasons. So I'm turning to this online community instead. I'm not looking for help necessarily. Honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for. Anyway, sorry for the length. I haven't talked about this in a very long time.

[Hidden]

If you consider your life and any expectations you have etc to deep, you will question yourself what needs you can settle down with. Life in general can sometimes be a soap opera where life and its concerns become more problematic than what they are. Life is not like a film or Soap Opera it is a living breathing thing where we make decisions to pass us down the line, if we question to much our lives become problematic and we have problems addressing our concerns and expectations.

You do not explain what your expectations are in life, we all have plans of things we want to achieve, to deny them causes problems and we fail to achieve any wishes and then become remorse as we stumble around in the dark.

What are your expectations, marriage, family with a good man by your side. Or is it that dream job where you spend your time travelling and meeting new people, if that is the case the problem is most people have deep thoughts and dream about what they really expect of life. Personally I feel at my later years, memories, many negative, some positive brings about a wry smile and my expectations are not as demanding.

Try not to think to much regarding life events, all you will do is lower your mood. Make a list of your needs and expectations, that is what I did when younger when you complete one challenge go to the next that is what I did in the past, my interest became travelling and I did plenty of that over the years. Eventually you will meet like minded people who have the same interests as yourself, it does not mean go travelling take part in your interests in life. Try not to overthink things, it will just make you ill