Shame

[Magicdreamer]

Hi All. I've been on top of something for a long time and haven't been able to quite put my finger on it so I've done some research and have being doing the work by Byron Katie and have been following my emotions and learning from Brene Brown and Teal Swan as well. This morning I woke up to a magnificent day here in Johannesburg, South Africa and felt a strong trigger of breath taking antagonism because my step Mom favours one of the cats. Antagonism is part of the aggression and defensiveness I've been feeling and it directly relates to my eczema. Her favouring the one cat over the other, triggered this emotion within me this morning. Shes has had eczema on her face for a while now and because I'm aware enough to see the mirror and understand her condition, it led me to understand that my eczema (which I've had since the age of 18 years) is antagonism which is a cover defense emotion for SHAME. It's born from internal criticism and perfectionism - I'm not good-enough... The need to be liked and worry about what other people think. I feel this underlying but strong neediness and desperation to reach out however, The Core Belief of this intense and horrible feeling is directly related to 'I don't deserve love'. This is how intense this lie is. I say a lie because when I feel this far away from who I truly am, I can recognise it's not true. I'm now looking into the biases I've had about other people to see how I've been bias against myself as well as the fear of humiliation as this leads me directly to a vulnerability which is the deep fear of putting myself out there and being seen as imperfect - being exposed (naked) and because of the intense fear of feeling vulnerable. Iive been super independent as an adult up until I've had no choice but to move back home so the opposite side of the part I've been rejecting is vulnerability. I am super grateful I have now pinned it and need to learn to be gentle and take one step at a time with this because this is really deep, to the core and I now see my caregivers and understand as much as I can in this moment about their pain... The more I learn about my own pain, the more I will understand their pain of shame. Talking about it on this site helps me as I'm allowing you to really see me and talking about shame really helps shine the light on it so it can't hide. I use to think shame was a dirty word but it's just a deep emotion of lack and lies and I can feel it's losing power even while I type this message. Now the freedom work begins. 😊 Love to All. 💚☀️❣️

[Hidden]

Hi.

Well done you, for all the research and learning. Some of what you say resonates with me around shame.

Certainly resonates that it helps to write things down here..and I feel knowledge ie research truly helps a lot...I wish you well, and love back at ya ❤️

[Magicdreamer in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Angel. 💚❣️

[Hidden in reply to Magicdreamer]

😊 x

[Mrspjsmom]

I am truly impressed by all the work you have done and thankful you shared what you have learned. Your post taught me many things about myself. I'm sure I will re-read it numerous times. Looking forward to your posts in the future. HUGS and BLESSINGS!!!

[Magicdreamer in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Thank you, Sunshine. ☀️ I appreciate your feedback. Xxx💚

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Excellent analysis in my not so humble opinion. I love Brene Brown and identify with the vulnerability and shame diagnoses. Although I can’t identify with what shames you, i can relate to the core feeling of not being good enough. I often ask myself “Good enough for who? Good enough for what?” What the heck am I thinking?

Thank you for posting.

[Tealribbon]

Hi magic.... being vulnerable is difficult for me too. I experienced a lot of shame. It makes it difficult for me to make decisions when my brain is screaming at me. Thanks for posting.