Extremely Rough Morning

I woke up before my alarm this morning and watched the minutes tick by. All I could think about was what I've done with my life, and the things I haven't done. The things that make life easier to life and the things that make life incredibly difficult to live. I think like this all the time, but this morning seema to be a little different. It's like I've opened my heart like a front door and I am welcoming a dark grim character...death to walk on into my life. And though I know I have my family and music to live for...it doesn't seem worth it anymore. With all my financial frustrations, sexual intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, pain, grief, and so much more, I just don't want to do it any longer. I truly hate my existence...I have no one as far as friends to physically turn to...to speak to...nothing. I am nothing

[Hidden]

That's not true, GuitarPlayer. You aren't nothing. You are someone that I care about and someone who God loves! I've been where you've been. Wishing that i could wish myself to death. But that's not the way to live. I am struggling to. The intrusive thoughts are still owning my mind. But you are here for me and I am here for you. We have each other. Please message me, friend. I am here if you want to talk.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Please, do not preach God to me anymore. This spooky and invisible being has been absent in my life for as long as I can remember, so unless he knocks at my door with all the answers of my prayers that I have literally screamed to him for for years now...he is irelevent to me and how I get through real pain and real suffering the rest of my life...however long that I allow that to be at this point.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I am sorry. I was just trying to help.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I understand that...and I do appreciate the effort. But if I wanted that help, I would have drove to a church and asked for someone to jam it down my throat like a door to door Bible salesman. I am sorry for being so abrassive... But my life is falling apart at the seems right now...pretty sure my kids and family leaving me because of something that I said in this mood, I can't stand myself anymore, and I just don't want to be around to watch it all. And the last thing I need is someone telling me some imaginary figure is going to solve all my problems right now...when this guy has stood by my entire life and watched me suffer as I screamed for him. If he is so good...than religion must be all sorts of confused...praying to a person who allows you to suffer and hoping you don't end up in a place where you do suffer. Sounds like a lose lose situation to me.

[privypaige]

Hi, your “goodbye” post is no longer showing but I am worried about you. We may not know each other, we aren’t friends. But I am here to talk. Please message me before turning to self harm.

[Hidden in reply to privypaige]

Do you think he is okay? I am worried about him.

[privypaige in reply to Hidden]

Yes, people contacted him and he’s okay

[Hidden in reply to privypaige]

I prayed so hard for him. I am so glad that he is alright.

[pink318]

Hello- I’m very sorry you are going through such a tough time.

We are here for you, so please keep sharing. Please know that you are not alone. I hope you will stay in the forum and feel the support you need to remain hopeful.

I pray for peace as you go through this, you will stay strong and you will not give up. I hope to hear from you again. Take care, please keep us posted.