I used to hide in my closet

[maggief9812]

One time I spent 3 days in there, only coming out to use the bathroom. No one ever said or did anything about it.

It was dark, and safe in there. The clothes on the floor of the closet made a comfortable sort of nest. The large metal desk in front of the doorless closet made it impossible to get in there without climbing over the desk. For an arthritic drunk that was just not achievable. My closet nest was safe. If I was quiet, no one would ever notice me. It was too dark to read, so I made up stories inside my head.

When I hear any door close a little harder than usual, when I hear a man walk the floorboards of my house, when I hear a car door shut... all these things and more make my heart race. When my husband is frustrated and cranky I feel vibrate-y, cagey and nauseous even though he’s never hurt me. If i get mad or upset towards him I get diarrhea and dry heaves. He told me I act like I’m lying to him and he doesn’t trust me because of my behavior, when it’s really just that in my blind panic I forgot the thing he asked me about ever even existed. He says he will try and understand that my brain isn’t working right. He says he will try to believe me when I tell him about something WAY after the fact when we were discussing important matters.

I want to go in the basement and lock the door behind me and curl on the floor with my back against it. I want my childhood closet back to go hide in. My adult closet is looking pretty attractive right now, if I’m being honest.

[Agora1]

maggief, whatever you hid from as a child seems to have followed you into adulthood.

At least the way you address your fears by hiding in a closet. I do understand how your

anxiety is severe causing you to react to sounds that accelerate your heart. I use to be

that way at one time. You seem to be in a very bad situational environment. Is it just

you and your husband? Is he the arthritic alcoholic? Maggie, hiding in the closet may

make you feel physically safe but emotionally your fear stays in a heightened state.

Looking over your posts I see that you were put on medication but are you in therapy

as well? I'm glad you have reach out to us but you do know that you need to talk with

a professional who can direct you. xx

[maggief9812 in reply to Agora1]

Agora, thank you.

I am seeing someone. A session today brought out a lot. I am raw, and want to hide from the world, but I will be okay.

The arthritic alcoholic is my dad. My husband and I are both sober for over a decade. My husband is good, and not in any way abusive. I just respond to him in ways that are disproportionate and difficult for us both. He has his own trauma, profound social anxiety, and depression that he struggles with. At times it’s hard to find the balance we need to support one another and take care of ourselves/make our needs heard.

I’m less raw than earlier, but still feeling many things that I can’t quite name.

[Agora1 in reply to maggief9812]

Maggie, congratulations on both you and your husband being sober for such a long

time. That is a huge step. x Thank you for sharing it helps us understand more where you are coming from. It must be very difficult for both you and your husband

struggling with former trauma as well as the mental health outcome. I'm glad to hear

he is a good man.

Therapy is always tough because it brings out what we want to hide from. But you are

right in that you WILL be okay. The beginning stages of healing are always the hardest.

Sending love to you and know that we are but a message away. I care. xx

[mrmonk]

I heard echoes of my own childhood trauma and refuge in your recollections. I am so sorry. 😿

[maggief9812 in reply to mrmonk]

I’m so sorry it’s familiar to you. No child should be subjected to that. Thank you for your response. It’s a comfort to know you understand. 💛

[mrmonk in reply to maggief9812]

You're welcome. For me, it's like I internalized the childhood chaos such that I no longer seek the closet, I am the closet and the darkness and the comfortable cushion of piled clothes. Please feel free to reach out anytime if you need to talk. It may take me a bit, but I always respond.