New here, at my lowest.

[Johnny_Cocoon]

I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago. I wish that I knew back then what I know now. I have depression and unfortunately I had depression while we were dating, I just didn't know it at the time. I made stupid decisions in our last year of dating that I now know were influenced by my depression and the cognitive distortions that go along with depression. For months, she wanted to get back together but I was too scared, even though I was still in love with her. A couple weeks ago we talked and she told me that she is now dating someone and moving away. Can't help feeling like I've ruined both of our lives and all I want is to go back in time and do things differently.

Every morning and night I'm sobbing, wishing I did things differently and wishing I had another chance with her.

[hypercat54]

Hi that's tough and I am sorry. However you haven't ruined her life as she is moving on now. You are in danger of ruining yours though if you continue to live in the past. No matter how much you wish it you have to recognise that you need to start looking forward rather than backwards. You can't change the past, only learn from it so the same thing doesn't happen again.

Allow yourself some time to grieve and set a time limit on it eg 10 minutes once/twice a day then turn your mind to doing other things to distract yourself. Not easy I know but it does get a lot easier with practice.

If you live in the past you live with regrets, in the future and you live with anxiety. But if you live in the present you live with balance. x

[Johnny_Cocoon in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks so much for your response. One day at a time.

[hypercat54 in reply to Johnny_Cocoon]

I day or 1 hour just take your time to grieve. Losing this type of relationship is a bit akin to someone you love dying, so you need time to grieve.

The good news is that you know yourself a lot better now so are more likely to find someone else to love in time. I know it's a clique but time really is a great healer. x

[lillyofthevalley37]

Tell her if it doesn't work out you will be here for her and that you love her

[Survivor84]

Hi I'm so sorry. Does she know any of this have you tried contacting her or do you think it's best to just let her go?? You might still be able to salvage your love for her?

[Johnny_Cocoon in reply to Survivor84]

Thank you for your support. She knows how I feel about her, but it's been so long since we've actually met up and talked that it's hard to explain everything to her in one conversation. Besides, I don't want to make her departure any harder than it already is.

[Survivor84]

I would try and make it work! Go for it!!

[richw612]

As I read in another reply. Don't live in the past. I destroyed over 20 years of my life in a failed marriage and constantly putting my head in different times points saying only if. Can't go back you have to take that time one day at a time and work on a better tomorrow.

[Lulububs]

This horrible crippling mind desease makes u do and say stupid things...

Is there no way u can explain to her what was goin on at the time u were together and that u have been diagnosed now and ur getting help and that u made a big bad decision but u want to make it up to her and u love her!

It mayb she was telling u that she had new partner and all that as she wanted u to stop her and step up and make her change her mind?

[Survivor84 in reply to Lulububs]

I agree with lulububs. just make a decision and tell her how you feel.

[Lulububs in reply to Survivor84]

Do u get feeling were the romantics on this page!!!

All a women wants is a man to step up and show they care

[Survivor84 in reply to Lulububs]

I know exactly what you mean hun! What happened to fighting for who you love and believe in.

[Lulububs in reply to Survivor84]

Yeh people give in to much now a days !

I very much believe that when u meet the person u want to b with u fight ..

Relationships arent easy!

I have been with my partner for 28 years this year and its hard!!!

He puts up with my mental issues and anxiety and i put up with his moodiness 😂😂😂between us we do alot of putting up with each other 😂 but we wouldnt put up with anyone else

[RiderontheStorm]

I made a relationship mistake also that caused me high anxiety issues, I picked the wrong person when I had two to chose from. But I am in a even better relationship now after moving on. Learn from your experience and move forward. You will be better for it. Good luck

[Johnny_Cocoon in reply to RiderontheStorm]

Thank you for your perspective and support, my friend.

[Freedom31]

everything in life happens for a reason! find your happiness, love yourself first

[BeansWife]

I just think how brave you were to take that step to be honest with yourself about what you deal with. I am learning from you that my negative cognitive distortions get away with me sometimes and I think they are true and don’t challenge them or take focus away from them. I wonder if, in this instance for you, you think that includes now you in thinking you’ve “ruined both your lives”?

[Johnny_Cocoon in reply to BeansWife]

Challenging my warped thoughts that defeat me is very difficult, and is something I have just recently started practicing. And you're right, I am likely blowing things out of proportion when I say that "I've ruined both of our lives", though that is how it feels most of the time. Thank you for that feedback.

[SirGrits]

Hey Cocoon there's quite a variety of advice for you to pick from here. First Iet me try and clarify one thing. You haven't ruined either of your lives. In fact, this may be a blessing in disguise. Generally relationship issues are only worsened by mental disorders like depression. Try and take advantage of this time and focus your energy on yourself. Once you feel balanced, maybe then put yourself on the market or yes, maybe even try & win her back. Just solidify your foundation first.

[Johnny_Cocoon in reply to SirGrits]

So true. Many of the mistakes I made during that relationship, I am now realizing, were due to my low self-esteem and addiction to approval/love. I hope my improved awareness and understanding of who I am will lead to better problem solving in my next relationship, whether it's with her or with someone else. Time will tell.